Sunday, June 27, 2010


Mia - 22nd June 2010 -

You know what?
Someday I'm just so tired with this life
I let the exhaustion get inside my restless mind
Then I keep making the happiness slipping away
Inviting the sadness to burden my droop shoulders
Making sure I let my self suffer with drooling pain
Forgetting how to remind my self with horrible angst
Then there's time where I let my tears drowned me
Stopping my hands from drying those bloody floods
Moments where I just sat alone in my square room
When the world outside has stop being fair and round
Playing my violin with fast track and tune of madness
Hurting my head with aching blows on the strings
Singing classic songs in the cold, frozen shower
Draining my self with storms and piercing rainwater
Writing nonstop on the same paper everyday
Ignoring the bleeding fingers that stench my cheeks
Staring hopelessly on the street at night of solitary
Dancing my feet on tap-tap like I'm so in love crazily
Letting the insomnia change it self
Becoming the unbearable insanity.

And then guess what?
I still can't stop motivating my own self
Telling my mind to calm down with starry stares
Caressing my own heart with my palms
Slowing it's beating with soft, begging words
Making sure my eyes can see beautiful, little light
At night where I don't have to feel so alone
Pulling a little smile on my face as to when I write
So my words are strong, lovely imagery poetic figure
Then forcing my self to greet every strangers
On the lonely street so I don't have to feel left out
Take one or two tissues to erase my tears
And let the rainwater be my inspiration instead
Asking each family to tell me what to do
Trying to do what they answered to that
Meeting the only true friend under the blue skies
Holding onto his arms telling him how much he means
Meeting the only light beside his eternal bed
Telling stories and remembering him of beautiful memories
Then try hard to escape from all this tragedies
Because there are tragical loneliness out there
So whilst I try to inhale an air so deep
That I'm able let it out slowly with care
And close my eyes with the intentions to sleep
Hoping that the next morning will be a better day.


Mia- June 22, 2010

It is just it is.

None of us human are born perfectly. But we shall never regret for everything has happen and it just happens. We all must have been through an ordeal differently, or get the same tragedy as long as we breathe. They just never stop and never beckons down as these tragedies will drown us to suffer pain and anger. It all seems so hopeless as we have no real control to that, as though life has no meaning anymore. Then there's the feeling of giving up, surrendering, exhaustion to the realization of waking up to the same events every morning and sleep through the same nightmares every night. Every time we go through the hardest part of life as for losing people, we'll ask a question that'll be unanswered. Why should we live if we'll be dead in the end? What's the point? What? Then when the feeling of butterfly-tickling love supposed to grow, instead the angst, ugly hate invented it self alone inside from the core of our heart. From all the solitary moment, the regret, the madness, the illogical preference of all that happen in our life makes us blind, turns us into a heartless man. Then there's another questions unanswered. Why had this happen? What did I do wrong? Why? Perhaps love is beautiful and loneliness is tragical. Whilst hate is ugly and pain is lovely. Then again, what about those times where we are suddenly happy and we forget how it feels to be sad? Even for that one moment in a day. Why do we always remembered the harsh, sadness memories whilst setting aside those happiest, warming memories? Stupid as it is, it is life. It's controlled by how we take things, how we act into each and every events, how we responded to one at a time. Fair or not, it's life. Is it not? Questions unanswered, love and hate, pain and anger, sadness and happiness, memories and moments, loneliness and friendliness. Such a perfect harmony so long gone just because of a single unfair events. Peaceful is gone. War to come. When a baby's born, so helpless and weak. Crying and screaming of the children, frightening and fearing. The cut and slash of the men, guns and pistols shooting of armies. Helpless women running, silence that continued to be deafening. The elders, handicapped people get all the discrimination. Heartless people laughter as loud as anything else, above everything else. Teenagers turn homeless, parents becoming ignorance. Stealing, fighting, slapping, stabbing, slaughtering, killing. Customs and beliefs becoming arguments, debated over the news, and such beautiful things can turn into an anger in the community and raised yet another democracy. Useless. Religions, supposed to be respected to each other, becomes one of the reason why stupid, useless, illogical war happened these days. Oh dear. As if it is all a daily basic affair. What a world. What a world, and what have we become? Funny thinking there's only about less than five percent of the world's population that honestly want to think about peacefulness in this era. If it's not too late that is. Does all this hopes, wishes and prayers enough? But then, as long as we're alive, breathing, we just can't give up. We just never give up. Hoping for the impossible, dreaming for the horrible. Because it's life.

It is just it is.


Mia - 20th June 2010 -

My, my, my, I wonder why
I can hear your dirty secrets in my mind
Haunting and ghostly like those red wine
Lusty as ever as your soft words rhyme
Begging on your knees like I'm doing crime
Whispering on my ears to show you what I am.

My, my, my, I wonder why
Your filthy mind claim to tell how easy I seems
Rabid thinking of owning me in your imaginary dream
Of touching my curves and feeling the sleek of my slim
The running of your fingers on my back and skins
You think I'm that smooth I'll melt like some hot ice-cream.

My, my, my, I wonder why
How can you be so stupid to judge my body easily
You get blinded from the lust you're losing to me
I may look soft but I don't think you know what I can be
A man can get crushed inside a woman's hands freely
And it looks like I'm going to do that to you baby.


Mia - 19th June 2010 -

Time's slowly fading away my dear
Leaving behind the story of us to be
Your smile will be in my heart forever
It'll erase all the loneliness inside me

I suddenly remember the moment
Where we were laughing together
It's still safe inside my heart's diary
One day it'll tell everyone our story

Once upon a time there's you and me
And we used to be together in harmony
Beautiful stories of those memories
For when we're sad, and when we're glad.

I miss you.

I'm Done.

Mia - 19th June 2010 -

At this time of night, where I sat alone in my room, my mind couldn't help but to begin thinking about everything that happened around me, rewinding the days back, the events that occurred, logically or not, and those hours I've just passed through. Didn't matter if they were useless. It seemed like I stayed, unmoved, whilst the world was spinning around me like the unstoppable ticking of the wall clock's needles. Where outside I could feel my self becoming number as the minute moved on, the chill crawling beneath my vulnerable skins, but the blood inside my veins were burning hot, still flowing through every cells just like the strongest waves of the ocean, the nonstop streaming of the river's head and the uncontrollable waterfalls.

I don't believe with whatever you give to me anymore. I'm done. I'm stranded here, cornered to the edge, waiting for the perfect momentum to fade. I don't believe about going to the bright, orange sun anymore. I'm done. It used to be able enlightened the dark corner of my heart, but it is my biggest fear now to let my iris catches it's rays. I stopped hoping and waited for the darkness to conquer me. There's just no more love here, so why should I live when there's only pain here. If ever the happiness is created before, I wasn't sure why there should be black, when white could be a better fun, a better joy. I'm done. See you all someday, until we meet again.

I'm just going to go home now, to where I originally come from. Without rancor, I'll accept my losing, the feeling of being defeated. Not wanting to call my self a coward, because I've tried. I've tried everything with all that I have, sacrificing everything I have left. Yet there's just no other way. This could be the last, could be the first. I just wanted to go home and be safe there, lying with all soils, dead plants and ashing animals around me. Without rancor, someday someone will salute my winnings. Because I'm done.

I'm done.


Mia - 16th june 2010 -

Please blow away the wind of the night
Let it take my song and pass it around
Far enough that I can't hear anything else
Just the wind blowing carelessly
I am an adventurer for now
Seeking for every meaning
Given for me with nothing free
I will try as long as I'm breathing
I'm like a violin without it's strings
If you don't complete me alone
I beg for you to stay here and never leave
Stretch of white sands waiting for me
Every reef on the sea cry with tears
If I really can't make you paralyzed
Please hug me tightly now
Touch every of my fingertips
Let your broken wings fly
High above with me in the sky
Across the clouds to the heaven
Take and lead me to your peaceful life
Fly, fly, fly with me.

Ways Of Life

Mia - 16th June 2010 -

I'm used to calmly keep
Even though my heart is
You're the certain special, secret
The I write with blood inside my
You will be there and never will be
As you're my beautiful light here
Forget everything leave them
When I will be calm and you are
I will hug you tight in your
You know now it's just the way of

Nightly Butterfly

Mia - 16th June 2010 -

Some of us hate her
Few of us needed her
Some of us knelt down to love her
But most of us heartlessly tortured her

The story line of the streetwalker's life
Seeking money to pay for her souls
Lips smile seducing with soft words begging
To each and every of those who came
Is it a sin what she is doing?
Are they holy enough those who ask?
Does it matter because there's nothing else
This is the story line of the Nights Butterfly's life

Sometimes she smiles in her tears
Sometimes she cries in her smiles
Then she said to herself :
Oh what happened, happened.
God helps when He wants to help.
Fair or not I don't have choice.
I only know how to continue my life.
As a Nightly Butterfly Woman.


Mia - 16th June 2010 -

Participating the leaves that gently flowing
Carried by the rivers to the end of the eyes
And I began to fear the born of losing
Inhaling a missing space it crushed my chest
Making my curved ways trying to touch you
Oh warmth did I feel inside my heart
I held it tight to me and stopped the time
Nevertheless it did not stop you walking away
Never did I doubt and always I remembered
The cast and warmth that your eyes gave
Though your touches were cold and frozen
I was at that time frightened to seek the meaning
Of growing alone within a space of missing
You came and went inside my mind
Just like that every day without a message
Accepting you and the way you behave
I did not cry when you came
Nor did I break into some kind of madness
But as soon as you decided to go away
Shutting my eyes with my heart whispering
I prayed we met each other in the space of missing

oh, help.

Mia - 16th June 2010 -

Oh, help me
I'm drowning
So broke up inside.

I have fought to struggle
Not to break or to fall down
While I must stand alone on my own.
Believe me, do you?

When I wander out lost
Wondering if I could survive the pain
I want to rain heavily that the world could sink
For the burden's too heavy on my shoulders.

Where I fell and I broke
Waking up by the desire of anger
I want to storm hard that the world could tear apart
For the scar's too deep inside my heart.

I have failed while I tried
Burning inside I wanted to scream
It kills me not being able to be strong for you.
Forgive me, will you?

Oh, help me
I'm drowning
So broke up inside.

June 15th, 2010.

Mia - 15th June 2010 -

Today was cloudy, windy, sad, dark and slow.

It had been thirty days since Mario went to heaven.

I was not surprised that no one in my siblings remembered today, I have had guessed that. Perhaps my parents, but they were busy in Paris for their Orphanage business, and maybe they prayed for him. Maybe. It had been thirty days, and ever since that, I still could never take Mario out of my mind for a single day. Each and every day that I passed through, he would always be running through my brain. His name would be repeatedly announced out of my lips, his memories would never stop replaying inside my mind. And every time he visited me like that, spiritually, tears would still pouring down my cheeks, and though I am happy that he is in heaven, away from all the pain, I could not stop begging for him to come back, begging silently. Hoping that he might listen to me, hoping that one day, I could watch him growing up into a man, still as my little brother, but a man of his own, success and happy.

But maybe he is happy, somewhere above there.

The cemetery where he was buried was only a few miles away from my home. It was dawn, early morning when I started walking from my house straight to the cemetery. I had to work today, but earlier yesterday, I called to announce that I would be late coming in. The morning was cold and raining lightly, the sun was not up yet. I used to take a bus from the bus stop near my village, but I decided I would take the one closer to the cemetery. I wanted to visit Mario today. I always passed by his cemetery and looked at his grave from far away inside the bus, but today, I want to sit beside him for awhile, and to tell him some stories... just like what I used to do every night he wanted to go to sleep. And so that was what I did. It was not long after I sat beside his grave and broke off.

The day was not black, it was not even raining. But I wish it was. I wish it was black so no one could see that I was crying. I wish it was raining so every one would mistaken my tears were actually the rainwater. But I did tell him some stories, as I sat there alone, kneeling beside him, and did not take the matter of anything around me. I told him about what have I did everyday, what was happening at the orphanage, I told him about the beauty of the sunset, and remind him our memories together and I sang his favorite song. I was not even scared with the empty cemetery like I used to be. With Mario in the middle of the crushing, dead corpse, I felt slightly brave. Though whenever the realizations hit me, that he was one of them, I was weak all over again that I could not stand.

When I sat on the nearest bench and let my eyes cried anymore tears that it wanted to, I heard footsteps from behind me. I turned around to find a mixture blood of English and Malayan guy climbing the stairs down from the upper cemetery. I was a little surprised with that, as I thought the cemetery was empty; he must have come earlier. And it seemed to me that he was so lost in his own thought that he did not see me as he sat on the bench. And like always, my own feeling was defeated and my heart broke whenever I saw a person who was alone, sad, crying, or even in silent, with a face that showed that he/she was lost, hopeless, alone, defeated and dying inside sitting on the street or anywhere. I had always have the urged to help to brighten up their days, even just for a few second to see their sincere smile, not a smirk, not a losing smile. A real smile. Taking a deep breath, I tried my best to forget about everything for awhile. If it was not for his helpless, pale face, I would not consider bringing a conversation up.

"Are you unwell?" That was the dumbest question ever right at that moment. My voice broke from all the crying, and I just sounded pathetic. His face did not show if he was surprised when he turned to me. His brownish eyes looked watery and hopeless, he did not smile, nor did he frown; his expression was flat.

"Who could ever be well in this kind of place?" Now that was formal, I thought. The voice was soft, and reasonable, I was just glad he was not mad. His eyes kept staring over the space in front of him, his hands clasped together under his chin, as if he was praying. I relaxed, glad that he did not see my red face.

"You look pale, is all."

"Probably because of the cold." He sighed. And I thought he must be in such situation like I did.

I was not sure what else to say, until I saw the special army bracelet he was wearing. "You're an army?"

He glanced at me, before looking down to his left wrist, and nodded. "Yeah. Physically." He unclasped both his hands and put it in his jacket's pocket as he leaned on the bench.

"You must have done a lot of help in your life for your country..." I smiled though my face seemed to be frozen as my tears dried.

He stared at me for a moment, and I was afraid I said something sensitive for him, so I looked everywhere but him, waiting. "Sometimes... But like I said, I'm only physically an army. What's your name, if I may be bold enough to ask?"

I smiled again, loving the way he spoke so formal. "A true army, a true soldier is always based upon what he aims honestly in his heart, so only he knows whether he is a true army, physically or not. And my name is Mia."

"You're... You're right. But I am not so sure what is it I aim for as a true soldier after seeing so many death in front of my eyes, so many bloodshed, so many innocent souls dying," he sighed again, "my name's Martin. I'm actually visiting Brunei for a few days now."

"But it's the risk of being a soldier, no? Plus, you're never alone in seeing people dying, we all do, we all will. And welcome to Brunei, sir." I smile again, trying to ease the tense moment growing around us because I could not believe we were talking about dying people in front of a cemetery.

"How old are you? You seemed... Very young. Forgive me." He suddenly spun and turned his body to face me. I was so taken aback I did not know what to do. I bit my lips as I stole a glance to my watch. 8.15 A.M.

"I'm seventeen." I replied shortly.

"Young yet wise, huh?" For the first time since I saw him, he gave me a slow, sincere smile. It fits him very well, he should smile more. I smiled back, unsure of what to say.

"I'm twenty-five old." He said, still smiling. I arched my eyebrow and smile politely. I did not think he could be twenty five, he looked younger than that, he looked like twenty. His face was all clean shaved but I could see a short scar on his left cheek.

"Ah, it's not that old. When you're still twenty, you're still teeny. I'm glad you could smile, I'm happy to see that." I smile again, and as per usual, anyone whose smile was sincere and light, that would already be enough for me to make me smile.

"Thank you. It has been a hell of a morning." He smiled again, this time with a pair of sad eyes.

"Same here, sire. Just like I told you, never alone." I smiled back, and stood up. "But... I think I have to go now, it's almost 9, and I have work to do." I looked at him apologetically.

"Oh well let me walk you. Where are you going?" He abruptly stood up too.

"To the bus stop just at the front. You don't need to do that-"

He stopped me from talking and bow slightly as to let me lead him to the front gate. I sighed and smiled at him before walking down to the gate and led us towards the main roadside. "I never actually asked you... Are you... visiting a friend?" I slowly pointed towards the cemetery that we were about to pass.

He was tall beside me, I envied him. "Yes, a former great army. My best buddy. After 3 years, I still couldn't forget him. He was a Bruneian, hence the grave is here." We were silent for awhile. Then he asked me, "What about you?"

I swallowed, telling my tears not to pour down once again as the thought suddenly strike me. "My little brother, not by blood. But he's my light, and he still is. He has only been gone for a month, so... it's not that long yet for me." I smiled as we walk towards the bus stop.

"I'm sorry for your loss..." He was almost whispering. We stood silently beside each other under the bus stop. Waiting for the bus to came and letting the sun dried our tears up. He shoved his hands in his pocket, shuffling his feet. The silence was uncomfortable for me, it made my mind kept thinking about Mario, and how he is holding up. I glanced back to where we walked from and saw the cemetery fading away. I whispered in my heart : Little one, I have to go for now. But like you already know, I would never leave you, you're always in my heart. I will come back soon, and tell you what I should tell you. I love you... I smiled for awhile and before Martin could spot it, I found the bus coming over. Martin finally looked down on me and smile sincerely.

"Time to go?"

"Yeap. You're not going to be lost right?" I grinned.

"I've been visiting Brunei for the past three years, Mia, don't worry," he chuckled. I smiled wider. The bus came to a halt in front of us and I took a few steps forward to the opened door.

"Wait. Mia, my personal card." Martin went up beside me and handed me the blue card as he shook my hand. I looked down on it before looking back up on him.

"Well thank you for this." I waved the card at him.

"Consider me a call anytime, will you?" He bend his head to the right slightly and grinned.

I chuckled, "Of course. Oh, and remember. He who stand, fight and save his country, his people, his family, his friends and himself is the truest warrior out there. So when you have fought, you have tried, you have saved, but there are still death, don't worry, the dead knew who you are, saw who you are, witnessed who you are, and if it makes your heart break, think of the one who are alive, and is still needed to be saved. They needed you, Mr. Army." I grinned quickly and waved at him before stepping up into the bus and quickly found a sit beside the window closer to where he stood.

We waved at each other before the driver drove us apart. He mouthed the words thank you and I smiled at him. And I was still smiling after he was long gone behind and thought about Mario. I wish I could tell him about how fortunate it was for me to meet a stranger and make a new friends again. Especially when I was able to help him smile. It had been awhile since I helped a stranger, and I missed doing it.

I missed the peacefulness that flew into my heart as soon as I saw a stranger smile sincerely.

I missed Mario. I missed how his smile had always brought a peaceful and calm state into my self, and brought me an endless inspiration. Since the first time I saw Mario's pure smile, I had always loved smiling, and loved everyone else to smile. And would always want to do everything I could to make them smile. Mario had taught me a lot of things, without him knowing it. If only he could be here longer, with me, I would be so much better than I am now. He would have told me little more than just this, and I could have witnessed how he grown up, how he matured easily, how he put a meaning into someone else's life. He was just so little...

So little that he did not deserve for the pain that he suffer.

How I wish to exchange his place to mine.

I wish...

I miss you Mario, little one. Yesterday, today, and forever. No one knows how much you mean to me, how much you have change my life after six years together. You have never spoke to me, but how great it was your impact that have gotten into my life. You are one brave boy, you have fought through your life in pain yet still you can make other small people just like me to be happy, and I know you are the real warrior out there. You never give up in your life though the pain was unbearable. You're so brave, so strong... I love you.

Drinks and Drugs

Mia -12th June 2010 -

Drinks and drugs are my things
Things that greatly inspire me
Inspire me with stunning words
Words that I can inked down
Down inside my scrap notebook.

Perhaps my addiction is getting stronger
Stronger like when it immersed me
Immersed me with my deeper emotions
Emotions in which I always wish to let out
Let out just to be creative or just to be
To be satisfied over my own feelings.

Cigarettes, beer or coffee in a hand
A hand while the other one is writing
Writing as fast and as much as possible
Possible enough to fill the empty paper
Paper that will be a proof to me one day
One day where I wake up and realize
Realize that it was my writing
My writing for when I am on
On my drinks and drugs.

Pitying over my self
My self while reading it
Reading it and smiling
Smiling because I feel
Feel satisfied over those
Those emotional words
Creativity with uniqueness
Uniqueness that makes me
Makes me proud on my own
My own drugs and my own drinks.


Mia - 12th June 2010 -

I keep walking without stopping.
And you even have gone leaving.
I pray in the middle of the beautiful world.
I pray for you that I will always miss a lot.

Begging for you to stay here.
And you will not leave me, ever.
Coated in the middle of the world's coldness.
Coated with you that I always miss ever since.

Begging for you to stay here.
And you will not leave me, ever.
Keep singing, na na na na na...
Keep singing for you that I miss so much.


Mia - 12th June 2010 -

Whenever I think of you,
Too far in the eyes,
Closer to the heart,
The thoughts about visiting,
Though there will be differences,
For the journey will be dangerous,
Because you are in heaven,
And I am in fantasy of hell reality.

Whenever I think of you,
Too far in the eyes,
Closer to the heart,
Will it be the same for you,
The desire of meeting again,
When you watch me from above,
As I smile beneath my tears,
And cry beneath my laughter.

If I am still able to speak now,
I have polite words to be spoken,
If people ever despise you for you,
I will stand by you and praise yourself,
Guardian will be me, angel will be you,
You were still young when you left,
So please forgive me when I beg,
Beg for you to come back.

Let Me.

Mia - 12th June 2010 -

The sky was so dark and the night was lonely. Neither the traffic nor the people stopped crowding the street. Droplets of rainwater poured down from the clouds, watering the dry earth. Standing drenched with open wounds, I had to watch my affection for you torn apart. Nothing else was spared, no. I wanted to reset the day, I wanted to fix it better. You were wrong when you said I could go on in life without you. You were wrong, and I knew it. I needed you, I always needed you. How dare you left me and never came back.

Where is that heaven? Let me changed your place with mine.
Is the heaven there? Let me entwined mine with yours.

But though it happened; I let my smile dancing in the moist, still air. I let every one know, and realized. That even death would never do us apart. Death would never stop my affection for you. Death would never change my opinion about you, about the fact that you have loved me from the very first day. And even if you were far away, up above in the sky, I would tell people, that you still love me. And that we would never forget each other.

Even though...
Even though there was no meaning for me to be alive anymore when you were not there beside me, like you used to be.

Where is that heaven? Let me changed your place with mine.
Is the heaven there? Let me entwined mine with yours.

The former.

Mia - 12th June 2010 -

I used to be the person that you praised
The person that you dear the most
As you said I was the best champion
That you would always love.

Now that the wheels spin around.

You began to despise me these days
Throwing me away from your life
Letting me suffer my own dirty blood
Inside the suffocation of forever.

Because now the wheels really spin around.

Where had your sweet promises gone?
Telling me you will always be loving me
Until the last second of my breaths.
Now you had really left me
When I was slumped alone
On the corner of the silent street.

There I was... The former.
There I was... Your ex.

Where had your sweet promises gone?
Willing to be loyal until my own death
Now you had really left me
When I was falling and I was alone.

There I was... The former.
There I was... Your ex.

Sick of the loneliness slicing
When all the love just vanish.

Where had your sweet promises gone?


Mia - 12th June 2010 -

You... It will always be you. I always think about you, there will never be an end to that. It is true, it is always you. I always ache for you, your little touch, your innocent smile and your graceful hands movement whenever you speak to me. Maybe it is only you, being my most beautiful light that I have ever had. During the journey of my life, that started ever since your heart beat slowly, to the day that you come into my life, until it was gone, and every day has change. Maybe it is only going to be you, your light is just different from others. I get thirsty from missing you so much.

I really want you to know my deepest message from the core of my heart. You are the only light that ever shine me as bright as the sun, and even brighter. You are the first, and you are the last. There is not a single person that can replace you as you are irreplaceable. There will be no one else exist. Only you. Will never exist. Only you are my brightest light in my life.

Six years from since you first smile to me, I still remember how much peacefulness it has pour into my heart. Your innocent, little face, when you angle it to the right to look up at me, and your eyes shine to me like a diamond in the sky. But you do not know how beautiful yours are. Your little fingers, plump and soft, holding and gripping mine so tight like you never want to let go. The way you play with me like you want to play with me until the end of time. You are so little, so innocent. So beautiful, so bright. Just like a little angel.

And even though you never tell me you love me from your voice, I know your sign language from your hands are just more than enough.

When I said : I love you, little one. You will always put your hands against your heart, only to tell me, that you love me too.

Maybe... You will be the only beautiful light I have ever had in my life. I love you.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Mia - 11th June 2010 -

Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...

I bit my lower lip hard as my forehead wrinkled and folded into hundred lines of late night phobias. I started to sweat, when it was cold at that moment, not as warm as I wanted it to be. Turning my shivering body to my right side, my half-shut eyes quickly captured the moonlight shadowing the darkness inside my bedroom from my window glass. I tucked both my hands on the underside of my favorite pillow and tried to comfort my head as much as I could. There was no wind inside, yet I felt as chilled as if I was standing outside in my garden in the middle of the night, with the breeze flying pass my body, and droplets of rain piercing through my pale skins.

I closed my eyes, shaking my head slowly, wanting the imagination to quickly escape from my exhausted mind. I still remembered a minute ago, I was washing my face and saw my own reflection on the mirror in my bathroom. I never looked so horrible in my life. My eyes were bloodshot red, black shadows covering on the bottom of it as if I was wearing mascara, except I was not. My face was pale, or maybe the whole of my skins were pale. I looked thinner, and for some reason I was sickly happy about it. My head ached so bad I wish I could slap it on a wall. Hard. Being afraid of my own reflection, I quickly went to the kitchen and took a bottle of warm water. Inside my room, I got my pills out from the cupboard. Before taking most of it into my hands, I sat on the edge of my bed feeling frustrated because I had to take these pills yet again to help me fight my own problem. But whether I fought or not inside my mind, debating about it, those pills were going to end swallowed in my throat and into my stomach. As always.

I could not feel warm, comfortable or safe whenever the night came. Every after midnight, I would need to find my self doing anything, just anything, so that I did not have any barriers to let my self think, especially not whilst alone. It could be dangerous if I had to sit alone in my room, lying on my bed and did nothing. I could even cry or shout so suddenly, out of nowhere. And I did not want to ever do that again, just to make people worried. It was so hard for me, so hard that I wish I had a friend, invisible or not, to stay inside my room during midnight until dawn just to accompany me and fought with me the traumas I had. I would not mind if the person was silent all the time, just be there and hold my hands, do tell me I am not alone. Please, somebody...

Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...

The clock showed it was 3:56 a.m. It was almost dawn. I shook my head, feeling my self was on the edge of crying. My tears were wet, still strongly not letting those tears to roll down off my cheeks. I swallowed, before slowly sitting up and crawled out of my blanket. Inside the darkness of my room, I went to take my phone at the table and decided to open the Music Gallery. My fingers quickly scrolled the button down to find a song that would always accompany me through my sleepless nights. I found the song and smiled alone like one crazy girl. Gripping the phone in my hands, I went towards my window and slowly looked outside the view. Dark, cold, and drizzles. I saw the moving trees, the moon, the stars, and I could not help but wish to be there with them. Sighing like some kind of lunatic, I closed the curtains in one swift movement and slammed my self down on the bed again. This time, I took the blanket to cover me, and laid on my back, facing the ceiling whilst the song still sang out lowly from the phones speaker.

I closed my eyes once more, starting to feel numb and exhausted everywhere on my body. I smirked, knowing how fast the pills worked on me. Then my favorite lyrics started to sing in the air. I sang it out together with the artist. Whispering like a demonic angel in the middle of the night, and at last feeling the hot, rolling tears on my cheeks. I did not open my eyes, instead shut it tighter, letting the song that accompanied me every night, sang me the lullaby that would make my heart in a perfect calming state.

As usual, for once, I felt like sleeping after a few minute of swallowing those pills. Killing me softly, I knew, but what could I do? I did not have anymore choice than to have eaten them all every time I had to sleep. I had to. I had to.

So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you will wait for me. Hold me like you will never let go. Cause I am leaving on a jet plane, dont know when I will be back again. Oh baby, I hate to go...

As frustrated as always, I found my self drifted slowly to my dreamless sleep... Even if it would take only a few hours before the sun is rising, this could maybe feel better. Maybe I would feel safer as soon as I went to sleep, after all... Another warm tears rolled down my cheek. I rolled to my side and buried my face onto my pillow.

Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...

A gift in a gift

Mia - 9th June 2010 -

It is his day!

We stop breathlessly and flop ourselves on the old, colorless bench together. I giggle, tucking my hair behind my ears and toss my head back, shutting my eyes as I do so and smile towards the calming, blue skies. He grin casually, beads of sweats are still covering most of his forehead but he ignored them. Fanning himself with his shirt, he leans down on the bench, one leg folded up as the other one hang down loosely.

"Manage to win, didn`t I?" He says, grinning over at me as I open my eyes and stare at him.

"That was just a tiny running competition, lets try some marathon next time. Deal?" I wink.

"Deal," he winks back non-chalantly. We laugh out loudly for awhile.

The southern, little park is not as crowded as usual, there are just some people, who seems to be teenagers and less than old, talking to each other, wildly ignoring whatever is happening around. Probably the same with us, but it is important for me to see what is the surrounding like before I can do my plan.

Yes. I have a secret plan. And I am just about to reveal it.

"What are you thinking about?" Both his eyes are still looking over something in the distance when I looked at him.

"Aging. Lol." He rolled his eyes.

"Oh dear. Best not be, not a pleasant thing to think about, you know..."

"Well why dont you tell me what is pleasant?"

Its always like this. He is just a genius in twisting people minds with his words. He is also one of the best writer whose works I always adore. Poems or proses, he keeps on doing something with such a unique style of his own and tells us the message he wanted to tell. Likewise, now, he is probably just testing my knowledge. I mean, what is there so pleasant enough to think about right now? What should I say? And have I mention that he is an amazing writer? Well, he is.

"You know what.... I got something for you." I am suddenly impatient for my plan. He has this teasing smirk on his face when he turns to me.

"Yeah? Pleasure thing, or painful one?" He asks. Twisting minds again.

"I... Im not sure," I shrug, taking out my small, plain notebook from my bag, "for you." I smiled sincerely.

"Me?" He hesitates in taking the notebook from my hands.

I nod eagerly, smiling cheekily, "Read it."

He confusingly smirks again and glances at me before turning back towards the notebook and opening it slowly. The first page begin to come into view. And I hear his little gasping before he starts reading every words I scribble down in that notebook.

First page :

"Hey Tom Slogrove. Happy Birthday!"

Second page :

"Happy birthday Tom, I really wish youre having a day
A day that youll cherish and an age that youll remember
Remember it and the first time I met you on deviantART
DeviantART that gives me lucky chance to read your writing
Writing thats so unique, photography and drawing so beautiful
Beautiful just like how you adore the wonderful Lady Gaga
Gaga that keep inspiring you with vodka and cigarettes
Cigarettes during rainy days and those days you talk to me
Me agreeing with you most of the time just to tell you
You are an amazing, developing artist in my opinion
Opinion that I would like you to know it today
[Because] Today is the day, is not that what you say?"

Third page :

"I talk a lot, did not I?
Well. In Short : You are one amazing friend.
And Happy Birthday Tom!"

I grin widely at him as soon as he finished reading it.
Wishing silently he get what I am saying and he knows how cool Mr. Tom is!

What have I done?

Mia - 9th June 2010 -

We have done and try it all, but there seems no hope at all.

Someday, these days, children, teenagers or adult, there are just no barriers to what differentiate us. When one falls down, two fall together. If you think you have been through so much in life, through the strongest waves of the ocean and the loudest strikes of lightning, you may as well listen to what others have achieved while they stand on the peak of the mountain, falling down, or sitting down in the middle of nowhere, broken heart. So when life treats you bad, you may as well listen to someone elses.

Remembrance to the past, strengthens the future.

Should we be blind for some reason, towards the wonderment that the world has yet to offer us and let it all takes us by surprise? Or shall we be the face without a name, and a soul without a breath towards each other? There are unopened doors with hidden keys thrown somewhere. These keys, eventually, are not only for the doors, but what leads us to behind the frame. The key for us to open our eyes, and give a chance to anything and anyone to come to ourselves, seeking for either pleasure or pain. But knowing that you would not be able to go anywhere because we are all living in one planet. Why cannot we hold each others, no matter young or old, sexualities or even religions. When things happen, it happens, and this will be our own book of history towards the eternity later.

Flames to dust; lovers to friends.

Everything just feels like breaking down. Of course, with you not letting your self to help or to be helped. What is the point of living when you keep telling yourself you are alone? And in heart whispering : If you go, then so will I. It is not our aim. Failing will always happen as long as we are alive, pain and cruelty will never leave us alone. They could even be our very close friend. But lets think of the opposite ways; these feelings, they are the one who will lead us to be able to choose what we wants, whether good or bad, positive or negative. From pain, cruelty, anger, leads to true friends, love and happiness. Blaming is only to be accused to your self whenever accidents happened. Do not point your finger to someones faces, instead, point it back to your self and ask your heart ; What have I done?

Hopeless Romantic

Mia - 9th June 2010 -

Being a hopeless romantic girl
she walks down the barren road alone
only to be accompanied invisibly
with the diamonds up on the sky
at a breezy night with droplets
where no one really know who she is.

The small boots of hers make a sound
too loud beneath her that she cringes
every time it attracts people s attention
and when she smiles at them sweetly
their sincere reply will always cool her down
but nothing is strong enough to freeze her.

Both her hands tight inside her pocket
the denim jeans and baggy shirt she wears
covered her body during the hot summer
where she suppose to have pub party
yet she cannot stop her exhausted mind
to keep thinking about her lonely heart.

How she wishes so badly right now
if only the man of her dream walks beside her
holding her soft yet cold hands in a grip
kissing her full lips that never been kissed
to trace the contour of her heart from her skins
and to tell her just how much she means to him.

Keep Singing...

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

hey hey hey...
its time to return, time to follow your heart
hey hey hey...
its time to sing, to intone your dreams today

let your hum colour the world
and allow the time to taste what you would offer

scatter the love and kept on singing
sing a song that will entertain their hearts
the lonely hearts that continues to grieve
sadness that still haunts them invisibly
life is short than most have thought
now temporarily forget everything
everything would have ended
where eventually we will return

hey hey hey...
its time to play with our wild dreaming
hey hey hey...
you dont need to confront all that bothers you

dont this life is one journey that never ends?

so sing my song
and sing your song
forever we kept singing
lets go na na na na...

Be my friend...

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

it is not easy for us to confront ourselves
to the significant difference we have
and nor does it easy for us
to pass all the successive hurdles.

you are still standing
I am still here
showing the world
the meaning of friends.

you are a true friend
we are true friends
face the world
hold my hands.

it s never easy for us to realize
what our heart wants to share
never easy for us to understand
while we are listening to each other.

but you are...

where i share my story
where i give all my history
so be part of my life
whether you are perfect
or as imperfect as you think
please just be my friend
and together we face the world.

Before the Light...

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

I remembered the heart
Studded and coated with dreams
Oh, where did you go love?
The silent journey
That you traveled alone
Oh, strengthen your heart, love.
Reminding you to
Ostentatious morning dew
Who accompany you before the light
Tender wind that blows
Over your skins and through your heart
That will caress your love
Oh, caress you, love.
Forces which hold the promised heart
Do hold my hand, love
I was not going to leave you alone
Love accompany your hearts to remind you
The ostentatious morning dew
And the tender wind that blows
Who accompany you before the light.

Oh, before the light, love.

Until Next Time..

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

If you ever been afraid of death,
We are common.
If you ever feel broken heart,
That is also a common.

And often,
Bad luck comes and goes,
Without permission,
From your mood.

No matter,
Keep chasing your dreams,
And if you want to stop,
To start again later.

Keep the spirit,
And the firm heart,
Every day,
Until next time,
Where death comes.

Sometimes it is true,
Love split into two,
Because it is true,
Often dreams unfulfilled,

Fixed your steps.
Hardened your heart.
Until death comes.
Until next time.

Still I wonder if...

Mia - 8th June 2010 -


All my life I have been waiting, for you to bring me a real fairy that is talking.
I have been tired of living in a fake fantasy, a world without justice or symphony.
I do not feel the slightest bit safe, it feels like I am drowning inside a cave.

Still I...

Not opening my self towards anyone, hiding like a criminal on the run.
Nor looking or seeing, I am closing myself to anybody who is figuring.
Never showing the truths nor telling lies, I only wish for mercy in life.


Something is spreading it s way out, and screaming away that loud.
Something that gives me my greatest fear, and has my eyes in crimson tears.
Something that I want to forget about, when I try my best not to be proud.

If you know...

Do you know how it feels, when you are left alone and everything freezes?
How do you feel when it scratches inwardly, where your heart is beating silently?
Do you realize that time has stopped, how you stand there like a statue about to drop?

How it really...

Broken, empty, and in despair, want to breath free but I cannot find air.
Thinking that you are send from up above, you must have felt so loved.
It never feels safe here living like a prey, I think I really need to pray.


Life has been cruel in it s own, playing these innocent souls like a ball thrown.
Always blaming this careless, little man, let us hope someday you might understand.
There is so much more for me to say, but I just really hope you find a way.

And Still I Wonder If You Know How It Really Feels...

He said : One day, they will...

Mia - 6th June 2010 -

"Shh..." He held me tightly to his chest.

Wrapping my limp body with his arms so warm and comfortable like the thick layer of blankets during those cold, rainy nights. His chin rested lightly just above my forehead, and his fingers caressed my hair softly. All that he did is the only safety I could ever find in this cruel world. If he was not there, I could bet every last drop of my blood that not even a single peaceful day could be found on Earth.

I heard the slow rhythm of his heartbeat. My arms locked behind him, hugging him as close as possible. Burying my wet face on his left shoulder, letting my hot tears stained his dark blue, old shirt. I was sobbing and sniffing, but there was no sound of me crying in that middle of the night. I did not want to look weak in his eyes, or everyone else. But I could not manage, I was weeping like a baby.

"Shh..." He let his thumbs dried my cheeks.

I did not look up, I shut my eyes tightly. Kept holding onto him. My heart was not stable, it felt like I wanted to hide my self away from the bright light and showed my self in the dark. Even the moon outside was too bright for me. I was slightly afraid of everything. How stupid of me. How dumb I was. But even then, I could not help my self to stop; I kept crying, I kept weeping, I kept hiding.

Until he spoke to me with such a perfect, soothing voices and some choices of words that only assured and confide me that he was right all along. His long sentences and advices that made me the better me.

"Shh... There is no need of crying, Emilia. You do know that this world, it is temporary. Which means nothing will last forever..."

He stopped for a second or two. Letting me absorbing his words.

"Blood. School. Friends. Lovers. Jobs. Titles. Murders. Greed. Politics. Exams. Life. They are not permanent. There is also nothing best in those. Nothing is best when nothing is forever. So do not take those things for granted. When you succeed, do not feel over satisfied. When you failed, then do not give up too. This is our rise and fall through life. No one is better than one. Nothing is lovelier than a thing. Nothing is weaker, no one is stronger. We are all the same. Do not we share the same round planet called Earth and breath in through days brighten up by the same orange sun, and lighten by the same silver moon light?"

I did not flinch. But I stopped sobbing and sniffing. Only my tears did not stop flowing.

"Every man must found his own destiny. And so do you. It is alright if you fail now. It does not matter if you do. It will be your proof during that one day, where you will be asked, of what you have done to search the true you. Failure is the only path to the success. And you should be happy now, dear, that you have failed now, during this temporary life. That means when life is forever, you will be success..."

My head spin all around from his wise words. He just made me realized about a lot of things.

"Do not cry Emilia... Failure means you success. I am proud of you, and your mother loves you so much. We are not angry when you fail like this. When you believe you have done the efforts, hard works and everything that is needed yet you still fail, then that is just a small test for you. Everyone will be passing through a situation like that sweetheart. You are not alone there. It will make you better, not the best. But you will be able to find your true self within. Do not cry, do not give up... Keep trying until you can find the answer..."

He smiled, I could feel it above me. My tears flowed even stronger like the waves of the ocean.

"And do not worry when people look down on you, Emilia. For one day, they will seek for you, and they will recognize you. They will see the hardships in you, ask you how you do it, and beg for you to tell them what was the secret lies behind your successions. And with a smile. You, my daughter, will answer them the same answer I would have given to everyone. That the secret lies in between our own self, that flows in between our blood and veins, heart and mind, eyes and lips, nose and ears, and that it is the only reason why we should find our own path. And no one has their path straight, every path is a curve towards the straight, endless secrets."

I was stunned, and speechless. My heart beat calmly while he caressed me again.

"Did you listen to me? Or were you asleep all along, Emilia?" He chuckled inwardly. I felt his vibration when he laughed. And from the dim of light, I saw my mother approaching us at the sofa. With a smile on her beautiful face and an expression that would bring me to my happiest moment of life.

My tears flowed even faster as I shut my eyes tightly. As there was darkness that closed me, I heard the slow dripping sound of the raindrop outside.

My head repeated every of his word. I was amazed of how much I remembered every single of it. It flows like the river inside of me.

And my heart whispered : I love you, dad. Thank you for simply being my father. You have just changed my paradigm of life....

His Confused Confessions

Oh, dear Lord!
Why cannot you see it? Why cannot you feel it? Do not tell me you cannot sense it. It is everywhere in me. It is right in my eyes, inside of me. My own heart, my brain, in my words, in my movement, in every air I breath.

What happen to you? Why are you so blind? You are not even there yet, yet you have already been this blind? Who iss taking your heart? And who the hell managed to steal it when I have tried all my hardest to you and you are still not answering me, or looking at me the way I look at you?

Please. Just this once. Tell me you have the same feeling as this heart of mine are saying. I am begging you. I want to be yours. I want to be the guy that will be by your side when you are down and in pain. Or when you are smiling and high. I want to be there for you.

Please... You are the only girl, the only person, who is be able to change me to be a better guy. You help me in every way possible and there was no one who had been able to do that. With you, I feel safe and secure. I feel comfortable, I feel like my self. You have the impact of the person I was to become. Really, I do not want to miss a single thing you do, or even every breath that you take.

I do not care, if we are not going to be a lover, only the same, strong friendship. But please, tell me, before I get insane, and stupid, dumb, and crazy, and mad, please... Tell me that you do have those feelings for me too. I need to know. Yes or no. I do not care. I just want to know. Please...

I have love you from the start, ten years ago. When I am a toddler and dumb, until now that I am a guy and big. I still love you, I always do. And it is in every way possible. Whether lover, or friendship, or childhood mate, or a buddy. You must have think I am crazy, but just when I saw you with that guy, I knew I could not hold it anymore.

I love you. And please tell me you do too. For real. For once. In my ear. And see it in me.


A Separation Of A Fraternity

Mia - 4th June 2010 -

We meet together on a special day. Being thankful for this fraternity that we always wish it will be developing with holiness and safety. Thanking everything that occurs inside our links, not regretting every one bit of it. Even after all that we have been through. But now all that occurred is a separation. All the allegations are against ourselves. Being patience throughout the storyline. Knowing nothing is permanent. We will still be gone.

I will send you greetings of my memory. Our still freshly made memories. During the time I have deepened my prayers, where I promised I will always remember you. Hoping that this heart will be safe from the lost. I will be seeking for some blessings, not caring where it comes from. Just searching for any, that will be able to help practicing my stubborn patience. Of accepting what have happened and what is coming. This separation. It hurts. The blessings that I need. It comes so slowly.

"I wonder how have people face the heartsick of a separation. From years to years. The eldest, the true believers, the fighters. Separations keep coming even when we did not ask for it. Those struggle tastes bitter-sweet, but still continuing to struggle. May someone will give this friendship and links such a blessing. A fraternity to hold on, a love that is called true."

The explicit smiles on your lips. It gives me a memory of a lifetime. Sending warmth inside my veins every time I recall our days back. Never liquid, always solid. It is to say that our friendship is true, and our love is real, even though we separate, you are never fail to be there in my prayers. Your name, will be in my heart, plastered with anything permanent. Forever. If it is not your body that is standing beside me, I believe it is your spirit.

Oh dear, please strengthen this heart. This separation, it has been unbearable.
But there will always be the bitter-sweet struggle, letting it becoming sour, and salty.

A separation of a fraternity, only a sign that tell us we will be forever, later.
May someone bless us.

I'm more than a Bird...

Mia - 30th May 2010 -

I'm more than a bird.
I needn't to hold back. I didn't have to step down. I couldn't fail from winning. I wouldn't lose by fighting.

All my life up until now through those days and night that I breath in and out of my nose, I realized there were more times of falling down rather than standing up. I realized that I rise to fall again, that I was awake to sleep again and that I was breathing to freeze again. I didn't count how many times it had happened, but those tears in my eyes were starting to dry up now, my voice began to get soundless, my heart beat even stronger, and my own self had just grown fearless. These facts of life that made my colorless iris opened up like the King of Eagle, seeking down through the core of the Earth, to spot that ground of soils that was supposed to be the place where I'd sleep after my heartbeat stopped. Balling up my fists as when I saw that red, muddy, wet soils, imagining how it'd be to be buried deep inside it, in the dark and cold, alone like one little dying bird. Feeling all those anger, rage and exhaustion from falling down, I'd fly my self to that soil, not wanting to die yet, but instead kicking my own little feet at those soil to cover the unnecessary hole angrily and making sure no one, not even the Queen of the Sea would be able to dig it's teeth to open it up again. My own sweat would fall down there, these red blood of mine will stay boiling inside of me until I found the truth inside my self, to where I learn and study about my life, where I wanted to be, when I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. If life was not about planning, then nothing was to be planned. But I wasn't one who'd stop and cry down on my own shoulders shouting and regretting about failing. I would stand and be awaken, to rise and shine on my own, not for anyone, but my own and live this life of mine.

Was it so wrong of me to be like this?

I couldn't stand to fly, and I wasn't that naive. But it was these strong desires inside me that kept me flowing, where I had to go and go on. I wouldn't do suicide for I know I'd only regret it when I was buried deep down there and wasn't able to do anything. Killing my self and getting nil as an answer. Looking at a life of a man around me, with such different perspectives, I decided to find the story and journey of my own. No more weeping like a helpless baby, or crying like a loss of love person. No more asking questions to why things had happened, it just happened for a reason, and it wasn't about fining why. Instead I realized, it was about the matter of changing my own self. It happened for me to learn from my mistakes, and for me to pinpoint of a way to be able to have a better personality, for me to search the little meaning behind what happened and then found the hidden secret of life. It wasn't about being weak anymore, stronger instead. And until the heart beat had stopped beeping, never lose hope or being despair.

And just like I said :
I needn't to hold back. I didn't have to step down. I couldn't fail from winning. I wouldn't lose by fighting.

I'm not crazy. I'm not that naive. I can't stand to fly. I don't want to be locked up. I'm not yet free. But I'm just bound to find, the better part of me. In this life, I'm going to find my dream, and find a home of my own. And seek these lost, pretty smiles and search for those innocent, pretty faces. All that I'm going to say is that;

I'm more than a bird.

I grow Among the Pink

Mia - 24th May 2010 -

-- I am just like the ordinary,
I don't stand out or try to be.

--I try to get involve in every way,
I pull my self back when I sway.

--I stop in the middle of the crowd,
I manage to smile like a fraud.

--I grow up so big until now,
I know my dignity isn't so low.

--I shake some hands and hug shoulders,
I kiss some cheeks and cry tears.

--I feel the love and feel insane,
I hold anger and hold the pain.

--I do my best to camouflage the green,
I then realize I grow among the pink.

--I am just like the ordinary,
I don't stand out or try to be.

She sings during the sunsets.

Mia - 24th May 2010 -

She sings during the sunsets.

I heard her signal in the faraway distance.
- - Too far to be touched, yet felt so close.
I listened to her singing in an instant.
- - A voice of an angel, so loud yet so soft.

She spread her wings wide open; Conquering.
- - Making sure she controlled the world.
Her eyes changed the tone of colours; Persuading.
- - Not liking the green but instead the gold.

Squeaking against the strong lapping wind.
- - She flew across the golden sun.
The shadow of a beautiful bird then rewind.
- - As she sang like she was having fun.

So black

Mia - 18th May 2010 -

On that particular day, everything and everyone was so black.

[ Sunday, May 17th 2010. ]

I opened my eyes again and there it was ;
There were black stones, black soils, black shirts, black skirts, black heels, black coats, black sunglasses, black cars, black umbrellas, black mascaras, black clouds, black skies, black roses, black leaves, black feelings and even black crows.

I could still feel the wet tingling coldly on my cheeks. I clutched the front, silver ribbon on my knee-long, black dress and shifted my legs on the ground, exchanged places. There was someone with long, black coat and shiny, white hair talking before us, some kind of prayer with such a sorrow and sad voice. Wasn't sure if I was becoming deaf at that moment, because I couldn't hear any words he said, I just lazily stared at his moving, wrinkling hands.

At my right side was my parents, hugging each other, my mother looked too pale under her thin scarfs that covered her hair, and father was always the tough looking one, not a single tear was seen beneath his brown-tinted spectacles. Looking to my left was my long line of siblings. There were my two older brothers, standing tall, hands folded at their back, legs apart, just like scouting boys. My older sister was sobbing on the corner, her boyfriend loyally stayed beside her, holding onto her tightly, giving him what I would like to call the best support for a situation like this. And a pain strike the core of my heart so suddenly.

I shut my eyes again quickly, clutching the ribbon tight, biting my lips as the sour tears flowed past my mouth. I heard silences when I stood there shutting my eyes. And felt the crowds began to gather around to the tombstones right a few feet in front of me. I heard their whispers, and their movement as they threw the black and white flowers towards the grave. Trying as hard as I could, I failed to stop from bursting. My legs were hurting now with the black heels my mother asked me to wear for this special day. I shook my head, sincerely not wanting to be here in this desolated, painful, scary place.

And I took my choice as everyone began to greet everyone and telling their non-chalant condolences. I hated it, I never would like to hear those fake words of pity and sorrow. And I hate those people saying that they knew how it feels because for real they didn't and they wouldn't. I felt sick here. Like my throat were hurting from not screaming. I felt the cold wind from my back, blowing my hair to the front. I backed off for a little, still shutting my eyes.

"Mia?" I heard my sister calling me. I kept my eyes on the ground, and smirked. I knew they could imagine what I was feeling inside, if there was any feeling left at all. My siblings were now lining up in front of me, blocking my views from the grave and everyone else that I hated to see. I felt glad. Still smirking over their worried faces, I quickly stepped out of my black heels and took it from the ground to hand it over to my sister. I smiled to each of them before pivoting around to quickly ran out of the frightening place and out of those dead bodies. I ran and ran until my feet were numb and I felt it was hard to breath. I stopped, and collapsed on the ground. Tears kept flowing from my eyes and when I turned around to my back, I saw that I was far away from his tombstones and grave.

But as I opened my eyes again, I still saw them;
There were black stones, black soils, black shirts, black skirts, black heels, black coats, black sunglasses, black cars, black umbrellas, black mascaras, black clouds, black skies, black roses, black leaves, black feelings and even black crows.

[ Sunday, May 17th 2010. ]

On that particular day, everything and everyone was so black.


Mia - 17th May 2010 -

I stood in the middle of the green, empty meadow. The strong breeze blew my long hair back from covering my front face. I looked up to the high, blue sky that seemed darker in sorrow. There was water on the edge of my eyes, something that I couldn't taste. My small violin sprawled on the dry grasses beside me, untouched. My hands crumpled in fist on my side. The sweater I wore was too loose for me to clutch. There was nothing for me to hide my lost pride.

They whispered in the wind.
They stared from the cloud.
I covered my ears from the scream.
I shut my eyes from the glare.

Frightening as it might be, I couldn't help my self from opening my heart for it to be closed. I let the nature brought my feelings away, giving only my blood and me to hold onto. People kept saying that I would feel like the dead if I let my senses lost. Now that it happened, it did feels like that, like I was a fallen angel standing on invisible toes. My breathing stopped at the same time the lightning strike the ground leaving behind black memories. As sweet and tempting as it could be, the rains were as sharp as needles piercing on my skins. Something promised me that I left so many untold stories. And so I smiled between my living and my death, knowing this was the end.

Now I got to fly so high to my will,
I went this far to wait for this time,
You called this a nightmare and a thrill,
But I could only feel nothing but numb.

You're Fading Away...

Mia - 15th May 2010 -

I can feel you fading away...

Days keep going on and on,
But I have not left your side,
We never stop holding on,
Through this life that we ride.

Never had you show me tears,
Nor did you give me a sign,
Of how much pain and fears,
That you put in one line.

But I can feel you fading away...

I can see it in your eyes,
That you are thankful for everything,
I can see it in your smiles,
That you never will regret anything.

I realized that one day I will,
Miss your innocent face,
And hoping that memories will,
Accompany you with traces.

Because I can feel you fading away...

Ya Selfish Peeps.

Mia - 12th May 2010 -

Ooh, hey there people of the damn rich,
how i wish ya trip over the ugly ditch,
ya face on the screen like dogs so tame,
feelin' so powerful when ya walk in fame,
smilin' like ya own the world eh, God?
smirkin' shit showin' off that money load?
how fake are ya doin' ya're responsibility,
ya don't even care a damn about us in pity.

honestly yeah..
we aint scare shit with your greetin' 'sup,
stop that shitty talk and get your coat off,
now ya get Shut The Fuck Up,
and ya go Get The Fuck Off.

ya know, we people got our dignity too man,
we're not bunch of cowards loser like ya! shame,
ya're stupid gold-digger droolin's over diamonds,
come 'ere and we'll give ya pisses like lemons,
with 'em shiny limousine and sparklin' mercedes,
oh you thought we're gonna get ooohh, imma impress,
just ignore us never show ya face again eh,
fuck 'em whore and get ya hands off us ey.

honestly yeah.. really!
we aint scare shit with your greetin' 'sup,
stop that shitty talk and get your coat off,
now ya get Shut The Fuck Up,
and ya go Get The Fuck Off.

'Till the time comes.

Mia - 10th May 2010 -

Little one; 'Till the time comes, I'll stand by you forever... :)

Hey Mario... :)
It's been five and a half years since we met each other right? Remember when first father brought you to meet us at the orphanage, the way you looked so frightened, hiding behind mummy, and squeezing daddy's hand. You looked so cute, and you still are. With your reddish-brown hair, bright, chocolate eyes and fair skin you came from the U.K. bringing us some delightful, lovely British scent. You are one of my most favorite adopted little brother, I am so, so lucky to know you Mario... :)

You're always silent all the time, and it's always alright with me. The first time I knew that, I quickly tried to search in the internet how to learn sign language so I would have a special way to talk with you, and when I did learn how, six months later, we began to talk. We began to have our long, deep conversations together on the swing. There was time where you didn't want to talk, instead you just kept looking to my hands movement, wildly, while your eyes smiled as you drank your milk from the baby bottle. You looked so fragile... So innocent, Mario... :)

I remembered all your first times with me. First time we talk with sign language and you smiled in excitement because I understood what you were saying, and the first time I took you out on a small trip within the Orphanage's area, where you hop eagerly up and down and told me the Orphanage is like a heaven. There was also the first time we saw rainbow after the rain together, the first time I read a book for you near the window while the rain was pouring heavily outside, the first time you came into my bedroom and slept in my bed, the first time you ate my pasta, the first time you and me sat together on your bed watching over my laptop showing you deviantART and the first time you told me you've never seen such a colourful works of drawing and pictures. And you even told me something I've never thought of, "I really want to be like them. I want to draw and to to have camera to color with such colorful colors." Mario... Did you remember that?

There was time, I was broken heart, and like every other weekend, I kept on coming to visit all my siblings in the orphanage. I was a little down, a little too caught up with my stupid, lame problems, but the first glimpse of your innocent, sweet face has already made me smile widely. Where you took my hands and asked me to play my violin for you, or the keyboard, or just played the words quizzes with you. By then, I've forgotten about my silly days, and it put me to realization, where I don't even have a reason to be sad, I have you and your other brothers and sisters, I have our family, and you have us all, it's just more than enough to light my day up the first thing in the morning. Thank you so much Mario, for bringing me happiness... :)

I also remembered the first time I knew about your sickness from our parents Mario... They've kept it a secret and only told me about 2 and a half years ago, where I was built up, and you too, grown up already like a big, little boy, already getting taller only a little thinner than the others. They told me about night, where we were talking about you and your siblings in our kitchen. I couldn't help it, dear, but I had to cry... I didn't want to but I did.. I couldn't help letting my tears flow even though I knew you wouldn't ever like that. It's just that.. I want you to know I feel your pain, even though it must be harder for you, so young, and so vulnerable, yet you've been hiding all your pain behind that mask of a beautiful, smiling face. All those years you've went through alone... Mario... I am so so sorry... :')

Now, you're lying on the hospital's bed, your hair's all shaved off, living only little patch for the doctor to be able to wired inside from your head a little easier. And your head's bandaged all over to the forehead. But then you're still smiling, your face still lit up whenever you see us visiting you. I feel like I want to cry and kneed down in front of you and hold your hand and just ask your sickness to exchange it's place to me.. Really.. but nothing like that nonsense would ever happen right, Mario? There you go, not crying, still strong feature that kept lighting my days and nights... And me, the healthy one, I cried like I was going to die..when you were the one who suffer. Oh Mario... they told me you don't have much more time.. I want to go with you.. it's going to be so lonely without you sweetheart..but, but... Mario.. :)

I knew you didn't want me to bear that kind of situation, I knew you always want me to keep going, even when you're gone. You told me that the other day, you said, "If I am an angel... Like you said, then I will have to fly one day, free like a bird. That sounds fun! But, what about you? You cannot fly and you cannot follow me. So you're going to keep going here and live here with our brothers and sisters. Okay?" And those smile you gave me... I didn't know if you know about your pain, but it seemed like you ignore it, and it seemed like you know you're going to leave me one day. But until now sweetie, until now, I'm always here.. always be by your side. I love you so much Mario... :')

So 'till the time comes... I will stand by you. Try not to cry, little one. I will be there holding your hands, every day of every hour of every minute of every second, I will always be close to your heart, close to your side. If you feel the pain, I will squeeze your hands tight, and kiss your cheeks and whispers I love you. If it's time for you to rest...I will be singing beautiful song that you always love to hear and pray that you will be flying free like a bird and free with no pain at all. You deserve no pain at all, Mario, only happiness. Smile for me now sweetheart.

'Till the time comes... I'll always be there for the rest of your life Mario.. :)
I love you, little one... :)

Dear Diary...

Mia - 7th May 2010 -

Dear Diary,
I'm right here now sitting in front of my opened, glassy windows, my still-wide eyes are staring over the enchanting views outside as the wind blew my soft-coloured, green curtains lightly over my head, whilst my finger is gripping my favorite green inky pen and trying to write inside your body of whatever it is my working senses are feeling...

I see cottoned clouds are turning black and gloomy. Bright skies are falling down, tearing the world's ground apart. Separating the blues from the greens, I see the tall mountains over the waving oceans, the trees swaying roughly as the thunders and storms strike them. My eyes also see some beautiful flowers changing it's colours to yellow and then fall down limply to the Earth, and some wild animals in the forest running quickly with fear as if something is chasing them...

No wait, was it really happening before me, or was it just my eyes seeing all this darkness...?

Dear Diary, I haven't believe it yet but; Is it my time already?

I heard my mother's praying in her room, shutting her eyes tightly but those tears flow out nonstop. My father is on the sofa in the silent living room, hands covering his face like he is losing something over a fight, in shame and in regret. Then I heard my older sister next door, sobbing terribly loud over her muffled mouth, and rummaging around her bedroom, trying to take her mind off things. There's also my oldest brother, who's punching the walls in his own bedroom, kicking his bedside, throwing things around and fighting not to let any frustration get out in the public.

Dear Diary, are they afraid of it; Is it my time already?

I feel a little weak now, my friend. I'm already tucking my head on my arms safely now, still writing inside you of course. I let my senses worked still, even though they tell me they feel a little numb now, but of course they're strong. They just need some more time so I can write some more here... Am I right? Hey, I'm smiling now! Oh, these tears shows that I'm happy, I'm going to leave this beautiful world, but I'll be living in another type of world now, not too sure if it's going to be better or worst than Earth. But you know how tired I am, and I don't want to see my family like they are right now... Don't you agree with me?

Dear Diary, please answer me; Is it my time already?

I'm getting a little too tired now, dear diary. I just have another couple words to say. A poem for you to remember my friend.

Birds please tell people my painful yearning, my heart's aching in slow rhyming.
Winds please fly away all those sadness from me, it's just a short life to be.
Sun please give these happiness for them, they needs it better than I am.
Moon please take these scars high, in the dark, it's going to be my light.

Why is everyone crying? When I am always smiling?
Please wipe your tears away, I don't want to see sadness.

Dear God, it's all up to you now,
I'm obeying what you're wanting.
Dear God, I've finish my story now,
My dear Diary is keeping it for me.

Dear Diary... It's my time; I'm going now. I will miss you.

You Will Always Win.

Miia - 7th May 2010 -

You are strong, and you will always win. No matter what happens...

I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and POTS (aka Postural Orthastatic Tachycardia Syndrome). CFS means that my body has trouble getting the rest that it needs, so I'm constantly tired (to the point of no movement). As for POTS, that is the part that I have trouble dealing with. Even the slightest movement can make the room spin in circles or set my heart to racing and sometimes I ponder...

Is it going to stop?

Hold on there my dear friend...
Here I am so take my hands...
Neither CFS nor POTS is stronger than you...
Because you're still standing and they see it too...

It will be hard, dear, but they know you are a strong person...

At night, when I'm staring up at my ceiling, praying for my heart to calm is all that I can think about. When I get up in the morning, and still feel like I haven't slept for is all I can think about. When sitting on my bed pondering, can I make it to the bathroom before I fall is all I can think about.

Life for me means taking it one hour or one minute at a time. There is no such thing as planning ahead to do something, because...

I. Just. Don't. Know.

Dear you are never, never alone at night...
If they try to bother you, you know my spirit is at your side...
Do you realize the sun is shining only for you in the morning...?
Because it wants to give you light and keep you smiling...

Life is never forever, dear, but it is your life, it is your time... You do it as you will...

When my friends are out living their lives, and I'm stuck inside all the is all I can think about. When my brother talks about marching band, and I internally begin to cry because I wish I was is all I can think about. When the doctor told me that this might not go was all I could think about.

I hope it goes away.

Honey even if the doctor told you it won't go away...
I wish you'd keep breathing even if you weakly sway...
Your true friends, they might not show it, but inside they keep it...
A never-ending love so deep for you, only waiting for time to reveal it..

And God, also, hideously loved you more than us... He just loved you too much...

But let me assure you, I AM NOT GIVING UP.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and POTS may have a hold of my life at the moment, but that won't last forever...I won't allow it. There are things in this life that I want to do, and I will not sit around because I "can't." I will get up (heart racing and all) and LIVE. MY. LIFE.

Go to college.
Get a job.
Fall in Love.
Have Children.


It's the best pleasure to know that you wont give up, never...
To know that you will live your life and be happy, forever...
For you need to know that you're an angel, deep inside...
And no evil nor demon may win, because they're trapped outside...

I will be one of the luckiest person to know you live dear, to smile at you when you smile at me...

God has blessed me beyond compare, even though sometimes all I can see is darkness. He has given me a Mom who refuses to stop fighting for me, who makes me breakfast because I can't and who holds me tightly when I'm crying. He has given me a Dad who refuses to stop teasing me (in a good way) just because I'm sick and makes me smile, just because he's being weird.

God has blessed me with a brother, who has put up with my yelling, crying, and all around mood swings for the past four months and still tries to make me smile. God has blessed me with a church family, who prays for me like they breathe. :)

So once again, I'll say it...I'm not giving up and I'm not backing down. With the help of God, I will fight this to the bone because...

I am NOT my illness.

Needless to say now, you are better than the luckiest...
God, He cares for you and gifted you with people and His lovers...
Those sickness' know they're already losing so bad, and panting...
You've known the deepest secret of life and they're just nothing...

Because you are strong, my dear... And you will always, always WIN...

I Love You. May We Meet One Day And I Can Hug You...

Hello Baby...

Mia - 2nd May 2010 -

Mum! Look at him... Oh, aren't you so cute...?

Hello baby,
Little boy that hasn't come out yet,
The one that everyone is waiting for;
Look here,
Mummy is now smiling with cheeks so wet,
And daddy tells us he want to see you more.

Do you know how precious you are, my little one...?

Listen here baby,
When the time has arrive for you to see the world,
You'll feel so much warmth from these people around;
And remember this always,
We will hold you tight even when you grew old,
But right now we want to hear your laugh and frown.

Your crying and laughter will be our music now, sweetie...

I've lots of things for you baby,
I will hold your hands, and teach you how to talk,
Those first, unforgettable moments will be my lifetime memories;
I've also remind my self baby,
That I'll capture a beyond-words picture of your first smile and walk,
Then I'll put it in a frame for you to look at when you lost your old theories.

I also want to see the wonders in your eyes when you first see the sun, baby...

So feel our heart beat baby,
We're going to be with you from the second you were born,
We will be by your side when you fall, or when you rise;
And we promise you baby,
Your innocent, beautiful smile won't ever be torn,
And we'll make sure you grow with pleasure, lovely lives.

I can't wait for those sweet moment to come now, little brother...

Hello baby,
Are you as impatient as us now?
Are you smiling inside at the moment?
Did you feel our excitement now?
Did you laugh at our eagerness at the moment?

When you come out baby, mummy and daddy will be so lucky, and I will be so proud... for you, Baby...

Don't You Remember?

Mia - 27th April 2010 -

I looked around the green park, studying silently from under the blooming tree, staring heavily over the high, blue skies on the horizon, with the beautiful birds singing along the noisy blowing breezes. Hugging my knees, feeling so cold inside out, I tucked my chin in, squinting my watery eyes tightly. My lips trembled hard with deepest fear, and bleeding truths. When I felt a warm wind tingles my ears with your softest touches, I heard a soft, melodious whispers of your soothing words, and saw a fading shadow beside me without wanting to; I felt your friendship presence so close to me... Eoin.

I remembered it... I remembered you...

I tried to sit up, to lean on the tall tree trunks, just like how we used to calm our self during darker days. I bit my lower lip hard, just praying to stay strong, to try not to make any sound came out of me, because if it happened, it'd be loud, and I wouldn't be able to stop. Now that the sweet and bitter memories came back, I didn't know how to react with it. Whether to be happy with the unbelievable way you sat beside me, a little too far that I protested so that you made a face that made me laughed, my face lit up with so much shine, my eyes twinkled with smiles, and those moments where you just pulled me into your embraces, lightly, tightly, and rubs my back softly, telling me how much I meant to you, and how hard it was for you to find a friend like me. Or to be sad with the memories where you cried hardly on my shoulder, whispering to me all your dark, little secrets, and when you stared back at me, all I could only feel was what you felt inside, the one heart that I always wanted to share with. The sorrow, the happiness, your life... Eoin.

I missed it.... I missed you...

I couldn't stop the tears to flow now, Eoin, I am sorry.
I couldn't help it. Didn't you feel it too, what I was feeling at the moment, at that particular second, the particular hours, the particular day? Did you forget it...? Did you just go and really leave me behind? What happened to your promises Eoin...? You told me to keep waiting, to be strong, to be independent. But, how could I Eoin? When you were the one who build me up and the one who broke me down? How? Looked at the green grass now; it turned yellow, deadly. Looked at the tall, blooming trees; it died, even if it was spring. Look at the blue, bright sky; it was dark with black clouds. Looked at those beautiful birds; it was hiding and praying in loneliness Eoin. It was lonely, just like me. Hiding from taking in a friendship again, a friendship just like yours. Just like what you gave to me.

You were the one who told me the meaning of Friendship.
But now I've lost it.
You crushed it down.
You were also the one who made it lost it's meaning.

I remembered it.... I missed it....

"'s 23rd April tomorrow... What shall we do?"
"What's so special about 23rd April, Eoin? What are you-"
"Silly. Don't you remember? It's our friendship day, Mia. My very best friend..."

I remembered Eoin.. I remembered.
I wanted to greet you, to tell you that I haven't forget, and I never would.
But where are you now?

Shall I repeat something for you, dear Eoin...?

"Silly. Don't you remember? It's our friendship day, Eoin. My very, very best friend..."