Mia - 11th June 2010 -
Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...
I bit my lower lip hard as my forehead wrinkled and folded into hundred lines of late night phobias. I started to sweat, when it was cold at that moment, not as warm as I wanted it to be. Turning my shivering body to my right side, my half-shut eyes quickly captured the moonlight shadowing the darkness inside my bedroom from my window glass. I tucked both my hands on the underside of my favorite pillow and tried to comfort my head as much as I could. There was no wind inside, yet I felt as chilled as if I was standing outside in my garden in the middle of the night, with the breeze flying pass my body, and droplets of rain piercing through my pale skins.
I closed my eyes, shaking my head slowly, wanting the imagination to quickly escape from my exhausted mind. I still remembered a minute ago, I was washing my face and saw my own reflection on the mirror in my bathroom. I never looked so horrible in my life. My eyes were bloodshot red, black shadows covering on the bottom of it as if I was wearing mascara, except I was not. My face was pale, or maybe the whole of my skins were pale. I looked thinner, and for some reason I was sickly happy about it. My head ached so bad I wish I could slap it on a wall. Hard. Being afraid of my own reflection, I quickly went to the kitchen and took a bottle of warm water. Inside my room, I got my pills out from the cupboard. Before taking most of it into my hands, I sat on the edge of my bed feeling frustrated because I had to take these pills yet again to help me fight my own problem. But whether I fought or not inside my mind, debating about it, those pills were going to end swallowed in my throat and into my stomach. As always.
I could not feel warm, comfortable or safe whenever the night came. Every after midnight, I would need to find my self doing anything, just anything, so that I did not have any barriers to let my self think, especially not whilst alone. It could be dangerous if I had to sit alone in my room, lying on my bed and did nothing. I could even cry or shout so suddenly, out of nowhere. And I did not want to ever do that again, just to make people worried. It was so hard for me, so hard that I wish I had a friend, invisible or not, to stay inside my room during midnight until dawn just to accompany me and fought with me the traumas I had. I would not mind if the person was silent all the time, just be there and hold my hands, do tell me I am not alone. Please, somebody...
Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...
The clock showed it was 3:56 a.m. It was almost dawn. I shook my head, feeling my self was on the edge of crying. My tears were wet, still strongly not letting those tears to roll down off my cheeks. I swallowed, before slowly sitting up and crawled out of my blanket. Inside the darkness of my room, I went to take my phone at the table and decided to open the Music Gallery. My fingers quickly scrolled the button down to find a song that would always accompany me through my sleepless nights. I found the song and smiled alone like one crazy girl. Gripping the phone in my hands, I went towards my window and slowly looked outside the view. Dark, cold, and drizzles. I saw the moving trees, the moon, the stars, and I could not help but wish to be there with them. Sighing like some kind of lunatic, I closed the curtains in one swift movement and slammed my self down on the bed again. This time, I took the blanket to cover me, and laid on my back, facing the ceiling whilst the song still sang out lowly from the phones speaker.
I closed my eyes once more, starting to feel numb and exhausted everywhere on my body. I smirked, knowing how fast the pills worked on me. Then my favorite lyrics started to sing in the air. I sang it out together with the artist. Whispering like a demonic angel in the middle of the night, and at last feeling the hot, rolling tears on my cheeks. I did not open my eyes, instead shut it tighter, letting the song that accompanied me every night, sang me the lullaby that would make my heart in a perfect calming state.
As usual, for once, I felt like sleeping after a few minute of swallowing those pills. Killing me softly, I knew, but what could I do? I did not have anymore choice than to have eaten them all every time I had to sleep. I had to. I had to.
So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you will wait for me. Hold me like you will never let go. Cause I am leaving on a jet plane, dont know when I will be back again. Oh baby, I hate to go...
As frustrated as always, I found my self drifted slowly to my dreamless sleep... Even if it would take only a few hours before the sun is rising, this could maybe feel better. Maybe I would feel safer as soon as I went to sleep, after all... Another warm tears rolled down my cheek. I rolled to my side and buried my face onto my pillow.
Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...
Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...
I bit my lower lip hard as my forehead wrinkled and folded into hundred lines of late night phobias. I started to sweat, when it was cold at that moment, not as warm as I wanted it to be. Turning my shivering body to my right side, my half-shut eyes quickly captured the moonlight shadowing the darkness inside my bedroom from my window glass. I tucked both my hands on the underside of my favorite pillow and tried to comfort my head as much as I could. There was no wind inside, yet I felt as chilled as if I was standing outside in my garden in the middle of the night, with the breeze flying pass my body, and droplets of rain piercing through my pale skins.
I closed my eyes, shaking my head slowly, wanting the imagination to quickly escape from my exhausted mind. I still remembered a minute ago, I was washing my face and saw my own reflection on the mirror in my bathroom. I never looked so horrible in my life. My eyes were bloodshot red, black shadows covering on the bottom of it as if I was wearing mascara, except I was not. My face was pale, or maybe the whole of my skins were pale. I looked thinner, and for some reason I was sickly happy about it. My head ached so bad I wish I could slap it on a wall. Hard. Being afraid of my own reflection, I quickly went to the kitchen and took a bottle of warm water. Inside my room, I got my pills out from the cupboard. Before taking most of it into my hands, I sat on the edge of my bed feeling frustrated because I had to take these pills yet again to help me fight my own problem. But whether I fought or not inside my mind, debating about it, those pills were going to end swallowed in my throat and into my stomach. As always.
I could not feel warm, comfortable or safe whenever the night came. Every after midnight, I would need to find my self doing anything, just anything, so that I did not have any barriers to let my self think, especially not whilst alone. It could be dangerous if I had to sit alone in my room, lying on my bed and did nothing. I could even cry or shout so suddenly, out of nowhere. And I did not want to ever do that again, just to make people worried. It was so hard for me, so hard that I wish I had a friend, invisible or not, to stay inside my room during midnight until dawn just to accompany me and fought with me the traumas I had. I would not mind if the person was silent all the time, just be there and hold my hands, do tell me I am not alone. Please, somebody...
Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...
The clock showed it was 3:56 a.m. It was almost dawn. I shook my head, feeling my self was on the edge of crying. My tears were wet, still strongly not letting those tears to roll down off my cheeks. I swallowed, before slowly sitting up and crawled out of my blanket. Inside the darkness of my room, I went to take my phone at the table and decided to open the Music Gallery. My fingers quickly scrolled the button down to find a song that would always accompany me through my sleepless nights. I found the song and smiled alone like one crazy girl. Gripping the phone in my hands, I went towards my window and slowly looked outside the view. Dark, cold, and drizzles. I saw the moving trees, the moon, the stars, and I could not help but wish to be there with them. Sighing like some kind of lunatic, I closed the curtains in one swift movement and slammed my self down on the bed again. This time, I took the blanket to cover me, and laid on my back, facing the ceiling whilst the song still sang out lowly from the phones speaker.
I closed my eyes once more, starting to feel numb and exhausted everywhere on my body. I smirked, knowing how fast the pills worked on me. Then my favorite lyrics started to sing in the air. I sang it out together with the artist. Whispering like a demonic angel in the middle of the night, and at last feeling the hot, rolling tears on my cheeks. I did not open my eyes, instead shut it tighter, letting the song that accompanied me every night, sang me the lullaby that would make my heart in a perfect calming state.
As usual, for once, I felt like sleeping after a few minute of swallowing those pills. Killing me softly, I knew, but what could I do? I did not have anymore choice than to have eaten them all every time I had to sleep. I had to. I had to.
So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you will wait for me. Hold me like you will never let go. Cause I am leaving on a jet plane, dont know when I will be back again. Oh baby, I hate to go...
As frustrated as always, I found my self drifted slowly to my dreamless sleep... Even if it would take only a few hours before the sun is rising, this could maybe feel better. Maybe I would feel safer as soon as I went to sleep, after all... Another warm tears rolled down my cheek. I rolled to my side and buried my face onto my pillow.
Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...
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