I'm more than a Bird...

Mia - 30th May 2010 -

I'm more than a bird.

I needn't to hold back. I didn't have to step down. I couldn't fail from winning. I wouldn't lose by fighting.

All my life up until now through those days and night that I breath in and out of my nose, I realized there were more times of falling down rather than standing up. I realized that I rise to fall again, that I was awake to sleep again and that I was breathing to freeze again. I didn't count how many times it had happened, but those tears in my eyes were starting to dry up now, my voice began to get soundless, my heart beat even stronger, and my own self had just grown fearless. These facts of life that made my colorless iris opened up like the King of Eagle, seeking down through the core of the Earth, to spot that ground of soils that was supposed to be the place where I'd sleep after my heartbeat stopped. Balling up my fists as when I saw that red, muddy, wet soils, imagining how it'd be to be buried deep inside it, in the dark and cold, alone like one little dying bird. Feeling all those anger, rage and exhaustion from falling down, I'd fly my self to that soil, not wanting to die yet, but instead kicking my own little feet at those soil to cover the unnecessary hole angrily and making sure no one, not even the Queen of the Sea would be able to dig it's teeth to open it up again. My own sweat would fall down there, these red blood of mine will stay boiling inside of me until I found the truth inside my self, to where I learn and study about my life, where I wanted to be, when I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. If life was not about planning, then nothing was to be planned. But I wasn't one who'd stop and cry down on my own shoulders shouting and regretting about failing. I would stand and be awaken, to rise and shine on my own, not for anyone, but my own and live this life of mine.



Was it so wrong of me to be like this?

I couldn't stand to fly, and I wasn't that naive. But it was these strong desires inside me that kept me flowing, where I had to go and go on. I wouldn't do suicide for I know I'd only regret it when I was buried deep down there and wasn't able to do anything. Killing my self and getting nil as an answer. Looking at a life of a man around me, with such different perspectives, I decided to find the story and journey of my own. No more weeping like a helpless baby, or crying like a loss of love person. No more asking questions to why things had happened, it just happened for a reason, and it wasn't about fining why. Instead I realized, it was about the matter of changing my own self. It happened for me to learn from my mistakes, and for me to pinpoint of a way to be able to have a better personality, for me to search the little meaning behind what happened and then found the hidden secret of life. It wasn't about being weak anymore, stronger instead. And until the heart beat had stopped beeping, never lose hope or being despair.

And just like I said :
I needn't to hold back. I didn't have to step down. I couldn't fail from winning. I wouldn't lose by fighting.

I'm not crazy. I'm not that naive. I can't stand to fly. I don't want to be locked up. I'm not yet free. But I'm just bound to find, the better part of me. In this life, I'm going to find my dream, and find a home of my own. And seek these lost, pretty smiles and search for those innocent, pretty faces. All that I'm going to say is that;

I'm more than a bird.