Still I wonder if...

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

Then...

All my life I have been waiting, for you to bring me a real fairy that is talking.
I have been tired of living in a fake fantasy, a world without justice or symphony.
I do not feel the slightest bit safe, it feels like I am drowning inside a cave.

Still I...

Not opening my self towards anyone, hiding like a criminal on the run.
Nor looking or seeing, I am closing myself to anybody who is figuring.
Never showing the truths nor telling lies, I only wish for mercy in life.

Wonder...

Something is spreading it s way out, and screaming away that loud.
Something that gives me my greatest fear, and has my eyes in crimson tears.
Something that I want to forget about, when I try my best not to be proud.

If you know...

Do you know how it feels, when you are left alone and everything freezes?
How do you feel when it scratches inwardly, where your heart is beating silently?
Do you realize that time has stopped, how you stand there like a statue about to drop?

How it really...

Broken, empty, and in despair, want to breath free but I cannot find air.
Thinking that you are send from up above, you must have felt so loved.
It never feels safe here living like a prey, I think I really need to pray.

Feels...

Life has been cruel in it s own, playing these innocent souls like a ball thrown.
Always blaming this careless, little man, let us hope someday you might understand.
There is so much more for me to say, but I just really hope you find a way.

And Still I Wonder If You Know How It Really Feels...

Even The Rain Cry.

Written By : Mia Insomnia - January 10, 2010.

World oh world...

Can't you see?
Even the rain tries.
Though the rain dries.
Still the rain cries.
And do you know why?

Heaven oh heaven...

My heart was broken.
The flying soul was taken.
Though I stand up, in a life that was thrown.
How long can I endure this pain hidden?

Sorry I am sorry...

I understand that it's not what you planned.
I am sorry, I was the one who can't mend.
I apologize for not doing what I tend.
But know it's too late, isn't it?

Because...
Because...

This caused my life to break.
If I should write them down,
They will be more than the grains of sand,
Those things you desire in this world.

And even the rain cries
Even crying a river was not possible anymore.
For they cried an ocean for me.
For the rain cries, and they never will stop.

Elizabeth.

Written by : Mia Insomnia - January 10, 2010.

Elizabeth is,
The love story of two world,
Why do we meet each other,
When eventually we separate.
Daylight begin to lost,
Swallow by the darkness,
Separation of seasons,
Makes our story disappear.

Dreaming of your touches,
Where the snow burn for warmth,
The world was filled then,
With color of radiant love flowers.
Only we who were fading.
Until the season change.
The sun retreat.
There goes the fire of love.

She Elizabeth,
Symbol of broken love,
Separated because,
Unbroken different customs.
Hence, love fall together,
With the dried, dead leaves
Away... Away...

Direction of my life,
Separated by Elizabeth.
But I had to,
For my love Elizabeth.
Hoping for an opening,
A door for me in your heart.
There will be an unfold way,
If only you are faithful,
Oh Elizabeth....

No heaven Without You.

Written by : Mia Insomnia - January 7, 2010.

From a noble soul came the consciousness
Remembering mother who gave birth
Caressing with love and affections
Your high sacrifice mother
I invaluably appreciate

Now was time for me to repay
For you dear mother
As no heaven can compare to you
The fate of yours I will defend

Everyone know your loves are not separable
Where you own me with all your heart
Ignoring the decreasing of your health
You took care of me like one precious soul

Dear mother
Come and take me with you
For my home is where you are
And there's no heaven without you.

Only Yesterday.

Written by : Mia Insomnia - January 7, 2010.

It seemed like yesterday. Joshua came home from school with a big grin playing on his handsome face, and sparkles in his blue eyes. Where he knocked on the old, wooden door, but waited for no one to open it, he just barged into his house. The packed, dusty living room was the first thing he saw, but he took no notice of it. Instead, in strong spirits, he ran up the hall straight to his mother's bedroom. And as usual, he started calling for her. Like a five year old girl who had lost her mother, or like a ten year old boy who was hungry and came home seeking to be fed. It was all fresh in his mind, is if it were just five minutes ago. It was as clear as looking through glass.

He was a lucky son. And Joshua wish for nothing else when he realized that that is everything he wishes. He knew it was more than enough for his mother to answer his call by the third time. It was always the third time, but he was relieved that she kept on answering him. She still replied him though she was weak, and sick. Never once had she turned him down, made him shed a tear. He felt like the luckiest son on earth, and no one could ever feel the same way he had.

"Mother," he called for the third time that day.

"Joshua dear…" She replied shakily. Her smile was visible though her entire part of body was covered with clothes and even her face was wrapped by bandages. Joshua's heart sang with happiness, he could never be happier. He went closer and kneeled down on the floor beside his mother's bed.

"I miss you already, Mother," the words came out softly from his lips. He felt the urged of sudden tears on the edge of his eyes. But he didn't let them flow; he had to be strong for her. He'd do anything for her even if it meant to risk his blood.

Her fingers moved but didn't try to reach him, "Me too, my sweet. I'm a dead corpse whenever you're not home." That sentence, however, was killing him; it felt as if a murderer had silently pierced a knife at his heart. He shook his head and uselessly swallowed for strength.

"Mother, please don't say those words. I don't like it," he pleaded. But she let out a low sigh and shook her head.

"It's a fact though, Joshua…" Joshua knew more than well that he had to close the topic and drive her attention on something else. And that was how the day went by. Everyday after school, he'd spent his entire free hours with her. It made them both happy, he realized. Joshua couldn't find anything else better to do than taking care of his mother, feeding her while she mumbled, telling her jokes while she complained, and sometimes he'd risk his self to kiss her eyes before she faded to her beauty sleep. When he knew her disease could always get to him anytime it wanted to. Then again, he didn't care.

The happiest moment of his everyday routine was the second he heard her answering his call. And he knew that nothing would ever make him happier than hearing his name formed from his mother's lip.

But today… Today everything had gone forever. Everything had changed. Nothing like yesterday had happened.. And it would never happen again. He had came home from his college with the same big grin and sparkling eyes he wore everyday, but it was already the sixth time he called for his mother.

Today, Joshuanever received an answer.

The beautiful, soft words of his mother weren't there to answer him anymore, to make him smile, to give him stronger spirits and to lift him up to continue his days of his meaningless life. Even when he reached her on the bed, kneeling down beside her like he used to do, she still didn't answer him. Not even making a move or a signal showing she would answer him eventually. She was there, lying on the same bed. With all her skins covered and her eyes closed, he still could see her smooth smile on her pale lips.

And for once, Joshua felt all the feelings he hadn't feel before. Suddenly, he was sad, he was hurt and he even shed not a tear but waterfalls of it. Suddenly… He felt like he was the unluckiest son ever.

Because he just wish more than ever to come peacefully together with his mother. Together in heaven.

© Copyright 2010.

Memorable Birthday.

Written by : Mia Insomnia - November 29, 2009.

Take my hands,
Take my whole life too,
For I can't help falling in love with you.

I kept singing the same lyrics over and over again since the midnight of 5th of March. I could still recall every second of details that had happened right after my 12 o'clock alarm went off. It was a night to remember and there wasn't a tiny bit intention in me to try to ease the memories off my mind. Even for a single precious ticking hour. I smiled as the moment began to revise... It was as fresh as it was yesterday.

***

"KRING KRING!!!"

The alarm from my cellphone rang loud enough for me to wake up. I did. And I stretched out while still lying down. The bed squeaked under me, but I didn't make an attempt to stand or sit up. My eyes adjusted slowly in the dim light of my bedroom. I knew even before peering to my bedroom clock that it was twelve in the middle of the night. And to top it off, it was already the 5th of March. The seconds needle in my clock ticked by and told me to get up and be ready for the day. It was the early first hour of 5th March, and I was suddenly nervous.

I bit my lower lip, felt cold for once and let the blanket wrap tightly around me.

"Honey...?" I heard the soft whisper clearly beside my right ear. I closed my eyes tightly. I did not answer, but lay taking in the silence. I heard the soft breathing closed to my neck. I smelt the male strong cologne, and I loved it. Not sure if my senses were working, but I felt the long, warm fingers were cupping my face. Heating me. Making me red, purposely making me blush.

"Happy 20th Birthday," he said.

I bit my lip harder, held my blanket tighter. I didn't let my eyes open, though I was fighting it off. I didn't want to let the tears from my eyes fall like a waterfall in front of him. I didn't want him to think that he was making me sad, because truth was he didn't. But I could never let my natural way of being happy; which was having unstoppable tears while the smile was playing wildly on my face. I fought not to cry and struggled to breath easy.

And I felt his warm, full lips on mine. For a second. Or maybe half. Softly with a noise. I didn't know if he could already feel me trembling now.

"It's your special nigh, honey. And yet, here I am. Doing nothing but this... But you do know I love you so much," he whispered.

Without meaning to, I exhaled slowly. Loud enough for him to hear it. I opened my eyes, one by one second. Letting the precious moment come to me. With curiosity and affections at the same time, I began to lock my eyes with the person I had loved the most since five years back.

There he was. My hero, my one and only true lover. My knight and my embraces. He was my sword, yet he didn't let the sharp end cut me even for a slight. There he was, leaning to me on my bed. Wearing his full black suit and a red tie with loosened white shirt inside. The smart-cut, copper hair hang out loosely in front of him, the green, hypnotizing eyes and not to mention his tempting, red-lust lips. My heart beat quickly. My tears began to flow out uncontrollably. I didn't move even a bit to let a sob or sniff conquer me. I just laid there beneath him, watching him. Staring at him for the whole five minutes.

Nathaniel had been there with me for five whole years. Yet it seemed I had known him forever. We had been through a lot together and lately, things were rough between us. It wasn't that we had been through a lot of hard times because of our relationship, but the condition surround us didn't seem to support our bond. Sometimes, things were too busy for us to even be able to meet once a week. And to top it off, I hadn't meet him for a whole month due to some intolerable reasons. Nathan had to go to his work in Paris, leaving me behind in Southampton. It wasn't far, I knew. I could just withdraw all my money in the bank to book a ticket to Paris and hugged my way over to him. But nothing was even more ill-feeling and hurt than to be away with your loved one. I had lost my parents since two, and it was a different feeling because I was a kid. And this time... This time that I had grew up, it was a whole stabbed-deep-to-the-heart kind of thing. In addition, I was with him all these years, always together. Then suddenly... he just had to go.

And Nathan had just came home tonight. And tonight was my birthday. And tonight I let him to take the key to my bedroom. And tonight was the first time I let him to enter my room during the night. And tonight was the first time we had ever been in one bed together. I was nervous, I was pale, I was trembling. But I had been waiting for my whole life for this precious moment.

"Do I have to kiss you again to get you fully woke up, beautiful moon?" He cracked my favorite smile. I had to struggle not to crash my lips to him. So to answer him, I just shook my head defensively.

"Well, do something to me. I'm waiting..." he whispered again in the silence. Letting all his warmth inside me. I inhaled silently and let the seconds passed by for one to two.

Then, looking up at him, I let my lips to form a smile. His favorite smile.

"Thank you... Nathaniel Ricardo," I said. And without hesitating anymore, I took his hands from my cheeks and held it tightly to my heart. He was frozen for a second. And when I let him exhaled again, he smiled warmly. I saw his eyes stinging. His worried lines gone away fully from his beautiful eyebrows. I was happy to see his lit up face even in the darkness of my room.

It was as if I saw his halo around the room.

And before I realized it, Nathaniel was singing softly for me in the middle of the night. In the night where my birthday had just started, where our unforgettable moment had just came. He had just sang a momentum song for me to make the whole scene perfect.

"Take my hand, take my whole life too... For I can't help falling in love with you..." As soon as he finished the short, lovely song, his tilted his head and looked down right to me. Our hands were still tight holding to each other, and our gazes locked passionately.

"Th-th-that's beautiful, Nathan..." I stammered. He smiled again, but came a heavy sighed afterward.

"I had come. I had took your key. I had unlocked your door. I had climbed your bed. I had greet your birthday. I had kiss your lips. I had confess my feeling. And then all you was just taking my hand but still it was already persuading me to give all my life to you? You don't even need to kiss my lips back. You just took my hand and already my life is for yours. Now tell me, my love. What had you done to this weak soul?"

He was so focused, and so unreadable. And his words had let my tears even more stronger than the strongest wave. But he didn't wipe it away. Instead, holding on me tightly, he leaned down and planted his lips slightly at first on my cheek.

"Would you let this weak soul to penetrate to your life for like ever, my heart?" His whispered stung deep into my heart. Leaving beautiful temptation inside the cage rib. I was too stunned to say a word, but without wanting him to wait, I nod my head. Wishing he'd knew how much he meant to me.

And he did.

What happened next was out of our reach. Yet it was there. It was real. And there were only us both who knew and cherished the moment together. Since that night, it had become my most memorable night ever, not forgetting my unforgettable birthday gift. I loved him in the past, in the present and in the future.

Nathaniel had truly became half of me.

***

My beautiful daydreaming was suddenly disturbed as I felt safe and strong arms embracing me from behind. A peck planted on my cheek and I smelt the familiar, strong male scents. Smiling, I wrapped my hands around.

"Someone missed me?" I asked.

He nodded. Not saying a word, kept hugging me. Kept kissing me.

"Escaped from the meeting again?" I joked.

Nodded again. Still affectionately grazing my face.

"Not afraid of being fired?" I giggled.

Shaking this time. His hands moved up.

"So what about the promise you made to me then?"

For once, he let me go and turned me around. Looked at me with confusion. I pouted.

"You forgot?" I asked.

"What...?" He scratched his head. Looking childish. I gasped and punched his chest weakly.

"Nathan! You can't-" But Nathan cut me off by kissing me passionately on the lips. When he let me go, he was laughing hard. I blushed.

"Baby... I could never forget my promise. Not any promise that I made to you anyway," he smirked. "So... Where do you want to go to our honeymoon?"

By that time, I felt the song of Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling In Love was becoming our faded song in the background. And our smile entwined together. I felt like flying off in the air. I felt like living in cloud number nine. But yet, I was that and more. More than anything else.

Take my hands,
Take my whole life too,
For I can't help falling in love with you.

Disappearing Past.

Written by : Mia Insomnia - November 29, 2009.

I was the crooked claws,
holding securely...
the wheel of earth,
calming despite the panic,
taking all the knocking senses of mine.

Here smiling gently,
though on one side I daydream,
lit my amorous dark side,
thinking...
where did the direction led me.

Aware of my stumbling paces,
in between the crack of the earth,
I froze then...
trying to find the meaning of my life,
a new determined one,
exhaling my breath at last.

I bide for the light, the light,
thus let the darkness disappear, disappear,
was helping my self alone to wait, to wait,
and then somebody just wheel me, wheel me.

Then let it be,
let the past disappear,
and without the burden, or forces,
I left behind, left it behind.

Then let it be,
let the past disappear,
without load, or hesitancy,
I left behind, just left it behind.

Perfect Dream of Mine.

Written by : Mia Insomnia. November 29, 2009.

Could it be,
When I asked the twilight stars,
And when I start to feel,
The language of the silences.

Woke me up who was walking by,
In the hopeless vacuum,
Silent, stunned, stammered,
All are just in doubts.

I and all,
Who were wounded because of us.

I was lost in the dark night,
After all I was drifted in the cold air,
Let me asked to the twilight stars again,
About the meaning of our wordless ship,
In the perfect dream of mine.

I and all,
Who were wounded because of us,
Because of us.

The World and Us.

Written by : Mia Insomnia. November 29, 2009.

For a moment,
Dear friends please try to understand,
The meaning of all this,
Too many tears of sadness grieve our fallen,
Maybe this is a reminder for us human,
Which has changed its nature and forget about the power.

All this is not going to stop if arrogance is still held,
If miracles are neglected,
Actually, a friend was prostrate before them in vain,
That's the best .. for our lives.

After all,
Maybe this is a reminder of all human,
That has changed its nature and forget about the power.

All this is not going to stop if arrogance is still reigning,
If miracles neglected,
Prostrate comrades immediately my friends,
before all we did becoming futile, wasted,
The best .. that was the best.

Life is like a book,
Open and clearly visible,
Finding the light like a stray.

That's the best,
That is the best,
For out life.

A Ship Of A True Friend.

Written by : Mia Insomnia. November 26, 2009.


Never in her life had she expected to abide such a friend like Alexander, whom she described as a true-blue, kind-hearted and loving to every friends he had. Tania didn't know what he'd describe her, but she was sure he knew her well by now and that they had been through a lot during the last memorable, precious three years. She saw him munching his usual Corntos, looking attractive and as self-composed as usual.

"You know it's rude to stare, Tania," he said while still munching, a lop-sided grinned shown on his face. For me, he never failed to make people smiled altogether with his sly personality.

"I'm not staring, Mr. Handsome. Just checking," Tania chuckled as she joined him sitting on the long bench under the tree at their college's park ground. The summer sun was shining directly at them and hundreds other students who were gathering around the park for their lunch.

Tania still found it hard to believe that it was their last day. Tomorrow by the early sunrise, they'd graduate and be holding their own certificates. She didn't know what would happen in the future and she was afraid to find out about their friendship. He offered her the snack and being sticky, she hesitated to pick one.

"Tania! It's not poisoned godforsaken!" Alexander laughed loudly as she pouted and took three of the delicious snack sticks altogether. Defensive, she looked away, acting sulky.

"Hey," he nudged her on the ribs, "having problems are we?" As she suspected, Alexander turned his attention entirely to her, though he still munched.

"No." Stalling, Tania shook her head and grabbed the whole pack of Corntos from his hand, turning away again.

"Lies," he hissed, sulking now. Not wanting to pick an argument, Tania sighed enviously and turned her head to face him. 'Losing as always, am I?' she thought weakly.

"Don't laugh, but I'm being honest here, Alex..." she hesitated, biting her lips and fighting the tears emerging on the shallow of her eyes.

"Tell me then, bubbly face," he pushed, elbowing her again. Blushing, Tania bravely stared at him in the eye.

"So as our senior year comes to an end. I want to say, thanks for being a true friend," she whispered, almost whimpering.

He saw the glistening tears prickled down her soften cheeks. As usual, at once Alexander felt pity and sadness overwhelmed his heart as he saw her crying softly, sobbing and sniffing as she sat there, hands down and head lowered. Being a guy, and growing, he found it was hard to cry easily except probably in occasion where he'd lose his mother. But now, unbelievably, he felt as if his eyes couldn't contain no longer now, and that his heart wanted to burst in a second if he didn't outburst what he felt now.

"God! Is this a crying day or what?" Ferdie, a famous redhead, skaters and basketball player of the college passed by them laughing insensitively. Alexander gave him a warning look as Tania tried to control her sniffing.

"Mind your business, mate," harshly, he signaled him to just go away. Ferdie laughed again while putting both his palms up, resigning.

"Alright, alright hero. I'll go now. Oh and Tania?" he called, spoke up after Tania snapped her head up at him, "don't weep again now, a hero's beside you," he laughed loudly and cheerfully walked away leaving them behind. Alexander found his rage burning and as he wanted to follow him up, he felt Tania's smooth hand on his arms.

"Be it," she said softly, still as usual, telling him not to start a fight that he usually did. Sighing, he slumped down back on the bench but this time, he moved closer to Tania. She looked so pale and sad it was heart-wrenching.

"Tania?" he called her softly, holding her fingers, "whose quote is that?"

"Rochelle Blue," she whispered, still head down. He smiled, found that Tania would never changed her obsession for poetry. He was sure she'd been checking all the resources for every poems she could get to find the suitable line to tell him today. He doubt if he'd be able to do that, and her line was so touching that he wanted to sweep her off the floor now and high into the air.

"That is so lovely, Tania," he smiled again, this time making sure Tania was looking at him. Her eyes glittered with awe as he pulled her in a tight, protective embrace.

"You want to know a secret?" he said in a secretive voice.

She nodded, too stunned to say a word.

"Well," he started, caressing her soft hair, "I always thought that best friend kind of thing was girl's stuff, you know. I always thought that I'd never had a true friend and that everyone else before you, those boys and girls around me were just... friends. Not best friend, no true friend. Like there was no such thing in my life before. But... as you came into my life, you were the one who taught me about friendship. I was lost before you came, Tania. But you came, and you pulled me up to the correct pathways. Promised you, our ship will stay strong even though the waves are moving wrong," he kissed the top of her hair as he felt her sobbing uncontrollably. He knew she knew he meant it, and they knew together that they wouldn't lose their best friendship ever. Whatever goes in between them.

Evalena.

Written by Mia Insomnia - November 26, 2009.

"Do you think we'd survive our relationship, Evan?" he heard Lena's soft, melodious voice asking him close to his right ear. Eventually, noticing her fear and painful breathing, he wrapped his arms tighter around her waist, letting her lean on his tough, muscular chest.

"Of course we will," without knowing he was either assuring himself or her, he let the summer night wind to blow his hopeful words away. As they sat against the exuberant tall trees under the moonlight, he rest his chin on her head smelling her powerful feminine scents. Unlike the rest of the nights, the Greenstone Park wasn't as crowded as it used to be. He saw only few walking couples, who didn't seem to mind them, having their romantic scene on the famous site. Lena then picked a nearby twig and moved her head to peer at her dreaming boyfriend.

"A penny for your thoughts?" she whispered, trying to give him his favorite smile.

"I thought that was old-fashioned stuff," he let out a low chuckle and kissed the tip of her nose. When he saw her pouting, he laughed harder. Remembering that she was three years younger than him, he noticed how innocent she was, how vulnerable she was.

"Well..." she said, "two pennies for you then, Mr. Smarty," she mumbled and turned to the tree's trunk and started to scribble some unintelligible words on it. Evan didn't stop his laughs immediately but slowly turned it into an envious sigh as he finally saw what she was writing.

"I'll make it free for you," his grinned was half-hearted, "Us. I'm thinking about us, Lena," he read the words she scribbled on the trunk.

"Look here," Lena pulled his sleeves and made him turned to the tree, "I had wrote your name there, now I want you to write mine beside it," obviously not listening to whatever Evan had said, she was lost into the idea of hers to write their love-life name on the brown, thick trunk. Evan made a face and scratch his head.

"But sweetheart, you missed an 'N' on my name there. You wrote E-V-A and no 'N'," without waiting, Evan began to finish his incomplete precious name. But as quick as the speed of sound, Lena slapped his hands away. The thin, one-pieced twig fell and he let out a single gasped.

Sighing heavily, she rubbed her boyfriend's front hand softly before speaking, realizing he was shocked and that she was overacting.

"I want our name to be put together, Evan," she whispered again, softer than ever. Her voice seemed to chill him more than the night's cold breeze.

"Tell me something I could understand then, honey," he cupped her face between his palms and kissed her forehead. As always, Lena's heart beat unevenly whenever he gave her some romantic action. Not that she didn't like it, but she wasn't used to it; shy was her nature. He ignored her redden cheeks, and kept planting kisses on her face.

"EvaLena," she said simply, with a determined voice and a shaky lips, she said the words she always dreamed about. According to her working senses, she realized that Evan had stopped kissing her now, but was looking at her with awe and amazement in his blue, sky eyes.

"What did you say, my love?" he whispered hoarsely. Feeling like he was flying in the air, so glorious to know that his one and only love was actually thinking about him all this time. And eventually even invented a divine, enchanting and unbreakable name for the two of them. He felt like he was about to collapse when she didn't say the words once more.

"EvaLena," she repeated, "I want you and me to be together, forever and always, Evan. I want to live my life with you, and the rest of it only with you. There isn't much I can give you, my soul, but take whatever is in me. My life, my love, my breath... Everything I have, I give it for you. You and only you, Evan," without meaning to, a single tear trickled down her soft, blooming cheeks. And faster than a struck of lightning, the others began to follow like a waterfall. Evan saw it, as his undivided attention was only for Lena. Without hesitating, he cradled her in his strong, protective arms. A feeling of love and more had just conquered him and he didn't want it to let go, he let it flow inside Lena's small, delicate body.

"My love, my heart... Be mine and be mine for ever, EvaLena," he said in an awed whispers. She heard it clearly and knowing that he loved the words, she came to a conscious feeling of relieved. How she hoped so much for Evan to love the precious nickname she made for them.

As they parted away from the tight, lovely embraced, Lena took the twig back and gave it to Evan with a sincere smile. He replied her without hesitation and kissed her lips shortly. She blushed away but still staring at him in the eye.

"L-E-N-A," he spoke the divided letters slowly as he drew their name on the tree trunk. From that night on, the exuberant tree in Greenstone Park was the only trees that they loved and shared with. As if understanding, they didn't find anyone trying to sit or camp at their memorable, precious site. With love and blooming feeling, the tall, posh tree was their spectator of their love story, EvaLena.