Exhaustion.

Mia - 22nd June 2010 -

You know what?
Someday I'm just so tired with this life
I let the exhaustion get inside my restless mind
Then I keep making the happiness slipping away
Inviting the sadness to burden my droop shoulders
Making sure I let my self suffer with drooling pain
Forgetting how to remind my self with horrible angst
Then there's time where I let my tears drowned me
Stopping my hands from drying those bloody floods
Moments where I just sat alone in my square room
When the world outside has stop being fair and round
Playing my violin with fast track and tune of madness
Hurting my head with aching blows on the strings
Singing classic songs in the cold, frozen shower
Draining my self with storms and piercing rainwater
Writing nonstop on the same paper everyday
Ignoring the bleeding fingers that stench my cheeks
Staring hopelessly on the street at night of solitary
Dancing my feet on tap-tap like I'm so in love crazily
Letting the insomnia change it self
Becoming the unbearable insanity.

And then guess what?
I still can't stop motivating my own self
Telling my mind to calm down with starry stares
Caressing my own heart with my palms
Slowing it's beating with soft, begging words
Making sure my eyes can see beautiful, little light
At night where I don't have to feel so alone
Pulling a little smile on my face as to when I write
So my words are strong, lovely imagery poetic figure
Then forcing my self to greet every strangers
On the lonely street so I don't have to feel left out
Take one or two tissues to erase my tears
And let the rainwater be my inspiration instead
Asking each family to tell me what to do
Trying to do what they answered to that
Meeting the only true friend under the blue skies
Holding onto his arms telling him how much he means
Meeting the only light beside his eternal bed
Telling stories and remembering him of beautiful memories
Then try hard to escape from all this tragedies
Because there are tragical loneliness out there
So whilst I try to inhale an air so deep
That I'm able let it out slowly with care
And close my eyes with the intentions to sleep
Hoping that the next morning will be a better day.

Judgement.

Mia - 20th June 2010 -

My, my, my, I wonder why
I can hear your dirty secrets in my mind
Haunting and ghostly like those red wine
Lusty as ever as your soft words rhyme
Begging on your knees like I'm doing crime
Whispering on my ears to show you what I am.

My, my, my, I wonder why
Your filthy mind claim to tell how easy I seems
Rabid thinking of owning me in your imaginary dream
Of touching my curves and feeling the sleek of my slim
The running of your fingers on my back and skins
You think I'm that smooth I'll melt like some hot ice-cream.

My, my, my, I wonder why
How can you be so stupid to judge my body easily
You get blinded from the lust you're losing to me
I may look soft but I don't think you know what I can be
A man can get crushed inside a woman's hands freely
And it looks like I'm going to do that to you baby.

Story.

Mia - 19th June 2010 -

Time's slowly fading away my dear
Leaving behind the story of us to be
Your smile will be in my heart forever
It'll erase all the loneliness inside me

I suddenly remember the moment
Where we were laughing together
It's still safe inside my heart's diary
One day it'll tell everyone our story

Once upon a time there's you and me
And we used to be together in harmony
Beautiful stories of those memories
For when we're sad, and when we're glad.

I miss you.

Paralyzed.

Mia - 16th june 2010 -

Please blow away the wind of the night
Let it take my song and pass it around
Far enough that I can't hear anything else
Just the wind blowing carelessly
I am an adventurer for now
Seeking for every meaning
Given for me with nothing free
I will try as long as I'm breathing
I'm like a violin without it's strings
If you don't complete me alone
I beg for you to stay here and never leave
Stretch of white sands waiting for me
Every reef on the sea cry with tears
If I really can't make you paralyzed
Please hug me tightly now
Touch every of my fingertips
Let your broken wings fly
High above with me in the sky
Across the clouds to the heaven
Take and lead me to your peaceful life
Fly, fly, fly with me.

Ways Of Life

Mia - 16th June 2010 -

_{I'm used to calmly keep
Smiling
Even though my heart is
Crying.
You're the certain special, secret
Story
The I write with blood inside my
Heart.
You will be there and never will be
Erased
As you're my beautiful light here
Forever.
Forget everything leave them
All
When I will be calm and you are
Gone.
I will hug you tight in your
Spirit
You know now it's just the way of
Life.}

Nightly Butterfly

<sub>Mia - 16th June 2010 -

Some of us hate her
Few of us needed her
Some of us knelt down to love her
But most of us heartlessly tortured her

The story line of the streetwalker's life
Seeking money to pay for her souls
Lips smile seducing with soft words begging
To each and every of those who came
Is it a sin what she is doing?
Are they holy enough those who ask?
Does it matter because there's nothing else
This is the story line of the Nights Butterfly's life

Sometimes she smiles in her tears
Sometimes she cries in her smiles
Then she said to herself :
Oh what happened, happened.
God helps when He wants to help.
Fair or not I don't have choice.
I only know how to continue my life.
As a Nightly Butterfly Woman.</sub>

Space.

Mia - 16th June 2010 -

Participating the leaves that gently flowing
Carried by the rivers to the end of the eyes
And I began to fear the born of losing
Inhaling a missing space it crushed my chest
Making my curved ways trying to touch you
Oh warmth did I feel inside my heart
I held it tight to me and stopped the time
Nevertheless it did not stop you walking away
Never did I doubt and always I remembered
The cast and warmth that your eyes gave
Though your touches were cold and frozen
I was at that time frightened to seek the meaning
Of growing alone within a space of missing
You came and went inside my mind
Just like that every day without a message
Accepting you and the way you behave
I did not cry when you came
Nor did I break into some kind of madness
But as soon as you decided to go away
Shutting my eyes with my heart whispering
I prayed we met each other in the space of missing

oh, help.

<sub>Mia - 16th June 2010 -

Oh, help me
I'm drowning
So broke up inside.

I have fought to struggle
Not to break or to fall down
While I must stand alone on my own.
Believe me, do you?

When I wander out lost
Wondering if I could survive the pain
I want to rain heavily that the world could sink
For the burden's too heavy on my shoulders.

Where I fell and I broke
Waking up by the desire of anger
I want to storm hard that the world could tear apart
For the scar's too deep inside my heart.

I have failed while I tried
Burning inside I wanted to scream
It kills me not being able to be strong for you.
Forgive me, will you?

Oh, help me
I'm drowning
So broke up inside.</sub>

Drinks and Drugs

Mia -12th June 2010 -

Drinks and drugs are my things
Things that greatly inspire me
Inspire me with stunning words
Words that I can inked down
Down inside my scrap notebook.

Perhaps my addiction is getting stronger
Stronger like when it immersed me
Immersed me with my deeper emotions
Emotions in which I always wish to let out
Let out just to be creative or just to be
To be satisfied over my own feelings.

Cigarettes, beer or coffee in a hand
A hand while the other one is writing
Writing as fast and as much as possible
Possible enough to fill the empty paper
Paper that will be a proof to me one day
One day where I wake up and realize
Realize that it was my writing
My writing for when I am on
On my drinks and drugs.

Pitying over my self
My self while reading it
Reading it and smiling
Smiling because I feel
Feel satisfied over those
Those emotional words
Creativity with uniqueness
Uniqueness that makes me
Makes me proud on my own
My own drugs and my own drinks.

Missing.

Mia - 12th June 2010 -

I keep walking without stopping.
And you even have gone leaving.
I pray in the middle of the beautiful world.
I pray for you that I will always miss a lot.

Begging for you to stay here.
And you will not leave me, ever.
Coated in the middle of the world's coldness.
Coated with you that I always miss ever since.

Begging for you to stay here.
And you will not leave me, ever.
Keep singing, na na na na na...
Keep singing for you that I miss so much.

Beg.

Mia - 12th June 2010 -

Whenever I think of you,
Too far in the eyes,
Closer to the heart,
The thoughts about visiting,
Though there will be differences,
For the journey will be dangerous,
Because you are in heaven,
And I am in fantasy of hell reality.

Whenever I think of you,
Too far in the eyes,
Closer to the heart,
Will it be the same for you,
The desire of meeting again,
When you watch me from above,
As I smile beneath my tears,
And cry beneath my laughter.

If I am still able to speak now,
I have polite words to be spoken,
If people ever despise you for you,
I will stand by you and praise yourself,
Guardian will be me, angel will be you,
You were still young when you left,
So please forgive me when I beg,
Beg for you to come back.

The former.

Mia - 12th June 2010 -

I used to be the person that you praised
The person that you dear the most
As you said I was the best champion
That you would always love.

Now that the wheels spin around.

You began to despise me these days
Throwing me away from your life
Letting me suffer my own dirty blood
Inside the suffocation of forever.

Because now the wheels really spin around.

Where had your sweet promises gone?
Telling me you will always be loving me
Until the last second of my breaths.
Now you had really left me
When I was slumped alone
On the corner of the silent street.

There I was... The former.
There I was... Your ex.

Where had your sweet promises gone?
Willing to be loyal until my own death
Now you had really left me
When I was falling and I was alone.

There I was... The former.
There I was... Your ex.

Sick of the loneliness slicing
When all the love just vanish.

Where had your sweet promises gone?

Hopeless Romantic

Mia - 9th June 2010 -

Being a hopeless romantic girl
she walks down the barren road alone
only to be accompanied invisibly
with the diamonds up on the sky
at a breezy night with droplets
where no one really know who she is.

The small boots of hers make a sound
too loud beneath her that she cringes
every time it attracts people s attention
and when she smiles at them sweetly
their sincere reply will always cool her down
but nothing is strong enough to freeze her.

Both her hands tight inside her pocket
the denim jeans and baggy shirt she wears
covered her body during the hot summer
where she suppose to have pub party
yet she cannot stop her exhausted mind
to keep thinking about her lonely heart.

How she wishes so badly right now
if only the man of her dream walks beside her
holding her soft yet cold hands in a grip
kissing her full lips that never been kissed
to trace the contour of her heart from her skins
and to tell her just how much she means to him.

Keep Singing...

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

hey hey hey...
its time to return, time to follow your heart
hey hey hey...
its time to sing, to intone your dreams today

let your hum colour the world
and allow the time to taste what you would offer

scatter the love and kept on singing
sing a song that will entertain their hearts
the lonely hearts that continues to grieve
sadness that still haunts them invisibly
life is short than most have thought
now temporarily forget everything
everything would have ended
where eventually we will return

hey hey hey...
its time to play with our wild dreaming
hey hey hey...
you dont need to confront all that bothers you

dont this life is one journey that never ends?

so sing my song
and sing your song
forever we kept singing
lets go na na na na...

Be my friend...

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

it is not easy for us to confront ourselves
to the significant difference we have
and nor does it easy for us
to pass all the successive hurdles.

you are still standing
I am still here
showing the world
the meaning of friends.

you are a true friend
we are true friends
face the world
hold my hands.

it s never easy for us to realize
what our heart wants to share
never easy for us to understand
while we are listening to each other.

but you are...

where i share my story
where i give all my history
so be part of my life
whether you are perfect
or as imperfect as you think
please just be my friend
and together we face the world.

Before the Light...

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

I remembered the heart
Studded and coated with dreams
Oh, where did you go love?
The silent journey
That you traveled alone
Oh, strengthen your heart, love.
Reminding you to
Ostentatious morning dew
Who accompany you before the light
Tender wind that blows
Over your skins and through your heart
That will caress your love
Oh, caress you, love.
Forces which hold the promised heart
Do hold my hand, love
I was not going to leave you alone
Love accompany your hearts to remind you
The ostentatious morning dew
And the tender wind that blows
Who accompany you before the light.

Oh, before the light, love.

Until Next Time..

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

If you ever been afraid of death,
We are common.
If you ever feel broken heart,
That is also a common.

And often,
Bad luck comes and goes,
Without permission,
From your mood.

No matter,
Keep chasing your dreams,
Stronger,
And if you want to stop,
Remember,
To start again later.

Keep the spirit,
And the firm heart,
Every day,
Until next time,
Where death comes.

Sometimes it is true,
Love split into two,
Because it is true,
Often dreams unfulfilled,
Often.

Fixed your steps.
Hardened your heart.
Until death comes.
Until next time.

A Separation Of A Fraternity

Mia - 4th June 2010 -

We meet together on a special day. Being thankful for this fraternity that we always wish it will be developing with holiness and safety. Thanking everything that occurs inside our links, not regretting every one bit of it. Even after all that we have been through. But now all that occurred is a separation. All the allegations are against ourselves. Being patience throughout the storyline. Knowing nothing is permanent. We will still be gone.

I will send you greetings of my memory. Our still freshly made memories. During the time I have deepened my prayers, where I promised I will always remember you. Hoping that this heart will be safe from the lost. I will be seeking for some blessings, not caring where it comes from. Just searching for any, that will be able to help practicing my stubborn patience. Of accepting what have happened and what is coming. This separation. It hurts. The blessings that I need. It comes so slowly.

"I wonder how have people face the heartsick of a separation. From years to years. The eldest, the true believers, the fighters. Separations keep coming even when we did not ask for it. Those struggle tastes bitter-sweet, but still continuing to struggle. May someone will give this friendship and links such a blessing. A fraternity to hold on, a love that is called true."

The explicit smiles on your lips. It gives me a memory of a lifetime. Sending warmth inside my veins every time I recall our days back. Never liquid, always solid. It is to say that our friendship is true, and our love is real, even though we separate, you are never fail to be there in my prayers. Your name, will be in my heart, plastered with anything permanent. Forever. If it is not your body that is standing beside me, I believe it is your spirit.

Oh dear, please strengthen this heart. This separation, it has been unbearable.
But there will always be the bitter-sweet struggle, letting it becoming sour, and salty.

A separation of a fraternity, only a sign that tell us we will be forever, later.
May someone bless us.

I'm more than a Bird...

Mia - 30th May 2010 -

I'm more than a bird.

I needn't to hold back. I didn't have to step down. I couldn't fail from winning. I wouldn't lose by fighting.

All my life up until now through those days and night that I breath in and out of my nose, I realized there were more times of falling down rather than standing up. I realized that I rise to fall again, that I was awake to sleep again and that I was breathing to freeze again. I didn't count how many times it had happened, but those tears in my eyes were starting to dry up now, my voice began to get soundless, my heart beat even stronger, and my own self had just grown fearless. These facts of life that made my colorless iris opened up like the King of Eagle, seeking down through the core of the Earth, to spot that ground of soils that was supposed to be the place where I'd sleep after my heartbeat stopped. Balling up my fists as when I saw that red, muddy, wet soils, imagining how it'd be to be buried deep inside it, in the dark and cold, alone like one little dying bird. Feeling all those anger, rage and exhaustion from falling down, I'd fly my self to that soil, not wanting to die yet, but instead kicking my own little feet at those soil to cover the unnecessary hole angrily and making sure no one, not even the Queen of the Sea would be able to dig it's teeth to open it up again. My own sweat would fall down there, these red blood of mine will stay boiling inside of me until I found the truth inside my self, to where I learn and study about my life, where I wanted to be, when I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. If life was not about planning, then nothing was to be planned. But I wasn't one who'd stop and cry down on my own shoulders shouting and regretting about failing. I would stand and be awaken, to rise and shine on my own, not for anyone, but my own and live this life of mine.



Was it so wrong of me to be like this?

I couldn't stand to fly, and I wasn't that naive. But it was these strong desires inside me that kept me flowing, where I had to go and go on. I wouldn't do suicide for I know I'd only regret it when I was buried deep down there and wasn't able to do anything. Killing my self and getting nil as an answer. Looking at a life of a man around me, with such different perspectives, I decided to find the story and journey of my own. No more weeping like a helpless baby, or crying like a loss of love person. No more asking questions to why things had happened, it just happened for a reason, and it wasn't about fining why. Instead I realized, it was about the matter of changing my own self. It happened for me to learn from my mistakes, and for me to pinpoint of a way to be able to have a better personality, for me to search the little meaning behind what happened and then found the hidden secret of life. It wasn't about being weak anymore, stronger instead. And until the heart beat had stopped beeping, never lose hope or being despair.

And just like I said :
I needn't to hold back. I didn't have to step down. I couldn't fail from winning. I wouldn't lose by fighting.

I'm not crazy. I'm not that naive. I can't stand to fly. I don't want to be locked up. I'm not yet free. But I'm just bound to find, the better part of me. In this life, I'm going to find my dream, and find a home of my own. And seek these lost, pretty smiles and search for those innocent, pretty faces. All that I'm going to say is that;

I'm more than a bird.

I grow Among the Pink

Mia - 24th May 2010 -

-- I am just like the ordinary,
I don't stand out or try to be.

--I try to get involve in every way,
I pull my self back when I sway.

--I stop in the middle of the crowd,
I manage to smile like a fraud.

--I grow up so big until now,
I know my dignity isn't so low.

--I shake some hands and hug shoulders,
I kiss some cheeks and cry tears.

--I feel the love and feel insane,
I hold anger and hold the pain.

--I do my best to camouflage the green,
I then realize I grow among the pink.

--I am just like the ordinary,
I don't stand out or try to be.