Exhaustion.

Mia - 22nd June 2010 -

You know what?
Someday I'm just so tired with this life
I let the exhaustion get inside my restless mind
Then I keep making the happiness slipping away
Inviting the sadness to burden my droop shoulders
Making sure I let my self suffer with drooling pain
Forgetting how to remind my self with horrible angst
Then there's time where I let my tears drowned me
Stopping my hands from drying those bloody floods
Moments where I just sat alone in my square room
When the world outside has stop being fair and round
Playing my violin with fast track and tune of madness
Hurting my head with aching blows on the strings
Singing classic songs in the cold, frozen shower
Draining my self with storms and piercing rainwater
Writing nonstop on the same paper everyday
Ignoring the bleeding fingers that stench my cheeks
Staring hopelessly on the street at night of solitary
Dancing my feet on tap-tap like I'm so in love crazily
Letting the insomnia change it self
Becoming the unbearable insanity.

And then guess what?
I still can't stop motivating my own self
Telling my mind to calm down with starry stares
Caressing my own heart with my palms
Slowing it's beating with soft, begging words
Making sure my eyes can see beautiful, little light
At night where I don't have to feel so alone
Pulling a little smile on my face as to when I write
So my words are strong, lovely imagery poetic figure
Then forcing my self to greet every strangers
On the lonely street so I don't have to feel left out
Take one or two tissues to erase my tears
And let the rainwater be my inspiration instead
Asking each family to tell me what to do
Trying to do what they answered to that
Meeting the only true friend under the blue skies
Holding onto his arms telling him how much he means
Meeting the only light beside his eternal bed
Telling stories and remembering him of beautiful memories
Then try hard to escape from all this tragedies
Because there are tragical loneliness out there
So whilst I try to inhale an air so deep
That I'm able let it out slowly with care
And close my eyes with the intentions to sleep
Hoping that the next morning will be a better day.

Idk.

Mia- June 22, 2010

It is just it is.

None of us human are born perfectly. But we shall never regret for everything has happen and it just happens. We all must have been through an ordeal differently, or get the same tragedy as long as we breathe. They just never stop and never beckons down as these tragedies will drown us to suffer pain and anger. It all seems so hopeless as we have no real control to that, as though life has no meaning anymore. Then there's the feeling of giving up, surrendering, exhaustion to the realization of waking up to the same events every morning and sleep through the same nightmares every night. Every time we go through the hardest part of life as for losing people, we'll ask a question that'll be unanswered. Why should we live if we'll be dead in the end? What's the point? What? Then when the feeling of butterfly-tickling love supposed to grow, instead the angst, ugly hate invented it self alone inside from the core of our heart. From all the solitary moment, the regret, the madness, the illogical preference of all that happen in our life makes us blind, turns us into a heartless man. Then there's another questions unanswered. Why had this happen? What did I do wrong? Why? Perhaps love is beautiful and loneliness is tragical. Whilst hate is ugly and pain is lovely. Then again, what about those times where we are suddenly happy and we forget how it feels to be sad? Even for that one moment in a day. Why do we always remembered the harsh, sadness memories whilst setting aside those happiest, warming memories? Stupid as it is, it is life. It's controlled by how we take things, how we act into each and every events, how we responded to one at a time. Fair or not, it's life. Is it not? Questions unanswered, love and hate, pain and anger, sadness and happiness, memories and moments, loneliness and friendliness. Such a perfect harmony so long gone just because of a single unfair events. Peaceful is gone. War to come. When a baby's born, so helpless and weak. Crying and screaming of the children, frightening and fearing. The cut and slash of the men, guns and pistols shooting of armies. Helpless women running, silence that continued to be deafening. The elders, handicapped people get all the discrimination. Heartless people laughter as loud as anything else, above everything else. Teenagers turn homeless, parents becoming ignorance. Stealing, fighting, slapping, stabbing, slaughtering, killing. Customs and beliefs becoming arguments, debated over the news, and such beautiful things can turn into an anger in the community and raised yet another democracy. Useless. Religions, supposed to be respected to each other, becomes one of the reason why stupid, useless, illogical war happened these days. Oh dear. As if it is all a daily basic affair. What a world. What a world, and what have we become? Funny thinking there's only about less than five percent of the world's population that honestly want to think about peacefulness in this era. If it's not too late that is. Does all this hopes, wishes and prayers enough? But then, as long as we're alive, breathing, we just can't give up. We just never give up. Hoping for the impossible, dreaming for the horrible. Because it's life.

It is just it is.

Judgement.

Mia - 20th June 2010 -

My, my, my, I wonder why
I can hear your dirty secrets in my mind
Haunting and ghostly like those red wine
Lusty as ever as your soft words rhyme
Begging on your knees like I'm doing crime
Whispering on my ears to show you what I am.

My, my, my, I wonder why
Your filthy mind claim to tell how easy I seems
Rabid thinking of owning me in your imaginary dream
Of touching my curves and feeling the sleek of my slim
The running of your fingers on my back and skins
You think I'm that smooth I'll melt like some hot ice-cream.

My, my, my, I wonder why
How can you be so stupid to judge my body easily
You get blinded from the lust you're losing to me
I may look soft but I don't think you know what I can be
A man can get crushed inside a woman's hands freely
And it looks like I'm going to do that to you baby.

Story.

Mia - 19th June 2010 -

Time's slowly fading away my dear
Leaving behind the story of us to be
Your smile will be in my heart forever
It'll erase all the loneliness inside me

I suddenly remember the moment
Where we were laughing together
It's still safe inside my heart's diary
One day it'll tell everyone our story

Once upon a time there's you and me
And we used to be together in harmony
Beautiful stories of those memories
For when we're sad, and when we're glad.

I miss you.

I'm Done.

Mia - 19th June 2010 -

At this time of night, where I sat alone in my room, my mind couldn't help but to begin thinking about everything that happened around me, rewinding the days back, the events that occurred, logically or not, and those hours I've just passed through. Didn't matter if they were useless. It seemed like I stayed, unmoved, whilst the world was spinning around me like the unstoppable ticking of the wall clock's needles. Where outside I could feel my self becoming number as the minute moved on, the chill crawling beneath my vulnerable skins, but the blood inside my veins were burning hot, still flowing through every cells just like the strongest waves of the ocean, the nonstop streaming of the river's head and the uncontrollable waterfalls.

I don't believe with whatever you give to me anymore. I'm done. I'm stranded here, cornered to the edge, waiting for the perfect momentum to fade. I don't believe about going to the bright, orange sun anymore. I'm done. It used to be able enlightened the dark corner of my heart, but it is my biggest fear now to let my iris catches it's rays. I stopped hoping and waited for the darkness to conquer me. There's just no more love here, so why should I live when there's only pain here. If ever the happiness is created before, I wasn't sure why there should be black, when white could be a better fun, a better joy. I'm done. See you all someday, until we meet again.

I'm just going to go home now, to where I originally come from. Without rancor, I'll accept my losing, the feeling of being defeated. Not wanting to call my self a coward, because I've tried. I've tried everything with all that I have, sacrificing everything I have left. Yet there's just no other way. This could be the last, could be the first. I just wanted to go home and be safe there, lying with all soils, dead plants and ashing animals around me. Without rancor, someday someone will salute my winnings. Because I'm done.

I'm done.