Mia - 10th May 2010 -
Little one; 'Till the time comes, I'll stand by you forever... :)
Hey Mario... :)
It's been five and a half years since we met each other right? Remember when first father brought you to meet us at the orphanage, the way you looked so frightened, hiding behind mummy, and squeezing daddy's hand. You looked so cute, and you still are. With your reddish-brown hair, bright, chocolate eyes and fair skin you came from the U.K. bringing us some delightful, lovely British scent. You are one of my most favorite adopted little brother, I am so, so lucky to know you Mario... :)
You're always silent all the time, and it's always alright with me. The first time I knew that, I quickly tried to search in the internet how to learn sign language so I would have a special way to talk with you, and when I did learn how, six months later, we began to talk. We began to have our long, deep conversations together on the swing. There was time where you didn't want to talk, instead you just kept looking to my hands movement, wildly, while your eyes smiled as you drank your milk from the baby bottle. You looked so fragile... So innocent, Mario... :)
I remembered all your first times with me. First time we talk with sign language and you smiled in excitement because I understood what you were saying, and the first time I took you out on a small trip within the Orphanage's area, where you hop eagerly up and down and told me the Orphanage is like a heaven. There was also the first time we saw rainbow after the rain together, the first time I read a book for you near the window while the rain was pouring heavily outside, the first time you came into my bedroom and slept in my bed, the first time you ate my pasta, the first time you and me sat together on your bed watching over my laptop showing you deviantART and the first time you told me you've never seen such a colourful works of drawing and pictures. And you even told me something I've never thought of, "I really want to be like them. I want to draw and to to have camera to color with such colorful colors." Mario... Did you remember that?
There was time, I was broken heart, and like every other weekend, I kept on coming to visit all my siblings in the orphanage. I was a little down, a little too caught up with my stupid, lame problems, but the first glimpse of your innocent, sweet face has already made me smile widely. Where you took my hands and asked me to play my violin for you, or the keyboard, or just played the words quizzes with you. By then, I've forgotten about my silly days, and it put me to realization, where I don't even have a reason to be sad, I have you and your other brothers and sisters, I have our family, and you have us all, it's just more than enough to light my day up the first thing in the morning. Thank you so much Mario, for bringing me happiness... :)
I also remembered the first time I knew about your sickness from our parents Mario... They've kept it a secret and only told me about 2 and a half years ago, where I was built up, and you too, grown up already like a big, little boy, already getting taller only a little thinner than the others. They told me about it...one night, where we were talking about you and your siblings in our kitchen. I couldn't help it, dear, but I had to cry... I didn't want to but I did.. I couldn't help letting my tears flow even though I knew you wouldn't ever like that. It's just that.. I want you to know I feel your pain, even though it must be harder for you, so young, and so vulnerable, yet you've been hiding all your pain behind that mask of a beautiful, smiling face. All those years you've went through alone... Mario... I am so so sorry... :')
Now, you're lying on the hospital's bed, your hair's all shaved off, living only little patch for the doctor to be able to wired inside from your head a little easier. And your head's bandaged all over to the forehead. But then you're still smiling, your face still lit up whenever you see us visiting you. I feel like I want to cry and kneed down in front of you and hold your hand and just ask your sickness to exchange it's place to me.. Really.. but nothing like that nonsense would ever happen right, Mario? There you go, not crying, still strong feature that kept lighting my days and nights... And me, the healthy one, I cried like I was going to die..when you were the one who suffer. Oh Mario... they told me you don't have much more time.. I want to go with you.. it's going to be so lonely without you sweetheart..but, but... Mario.. :)
I knew you didn't want me to bear that kind of situation, I knew you always want me to keep going, even when you're gone. You told me that the other day, you said, "If I am an angel... Like you said, then I will have to fly one day, free like a bird. That sounds fun! But, what about you? You cannot fly and you cannot follow me. So you're going to keep going here and live here with our brothers and sisters. Okay?" And those smile you gave me... I didn't know if you know about your pain, but it seemed like you ignore it, and it seemed like you know you're going to leave me one day. But until now sweetie, until now, I'm always here.. always be by your side. I love you so much Mario... :')
So 'till the time comes... I will stand by you. Try not to cry, little one. I will be there holding your hands, every day of every hour of every minute of every second, I will always be close to your heart, close to your side. If you feel the pain, I will squeeze your hands tight, and kiss your cheeks and whispers I love you. If it's time for you to rest...I will be singing beautiful song that you always love to hear and pray that you will be flying free like a bird and free with no pain at all. You deserve no pain at all, Mario, only happiness. Smile for me now sweetheart.
'Till the time comes... I'll always be there for the rest of your life Mario.. :)
I love you, little one... :)
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Dear Diary...
Mia - 7th May 2010 -
Dear Diary,
I'm right here now sitting in front of my opened, glassy windows, my still-wide eyes are staring over the enchanting views outside as the wind blew my soft-coloured, green curtains lightly over my head, whilst my finger is gripping my favorite green inky pen and trying to write inside your body of whatever it is my working senses are feeling...
I see cottoned clouds are turning black and gloomy. Bright skies are falling down, tearing the world's ground apart. Separating the blues from the greens, I see the tall mountains over the waving oceans, the trees swaying roughly as the thunders and storms strike them. My eyes also see some beautiful flowers changing it's colours to yellow and then fall down limply to the Earth, and some wild animals in the forest running quickly with fear as if something is chasing them...
No wait, was it really happening before me, or was it just my eyes seeing all this darkness...?
Dear Diary, I haven't believe it yet but; Is it my time already?
I heard my mother's praying in her room, shutting her eyes tightly but those tears flow out nonstop. My father is on the sofa in the silent living room, hands covering his face like he is losing something over a fight, in shame and in regret. Then I heard my older sister next door, sobbing terribly loud over her muffled mouth, and rummaging around her bedroom, trying to take her mind off things. There's also my oldest brother, who's punching the walls in his own bedroom, kicking his bedside, throwing things around and fighting not to let any frustration get out in the public.
Dear Diary, are they afraid of it; Is it my time already?
I feel a little weak now, my friend. I'm already tucking my head on my arms safely now, still writing inside you of course. I let my senses worked still, even though they tell me they feel a little numb now, but of course they're strong. They just need some more time so I can write some more here... Am I right? Hey, I'm smiling now! Oh, these tears shows that I'm happy, I'm going to leave this beautiful world, but I'll be living in another type of world now, not too sure if it's going to be better or worst than Earth. But you know how tired I am, and I don't want to see my family like they are right now... Don't you agree with me?
Dear Diary, please answer me; Is it my time already?
I'm getting a little too tired now, dear diary. I just have another couple words to say. A poem for you to remember my friend.
Birds please tell people my painful yearning, my heart's aching in slow rhyming.
Winds please fly away all those sadness from me, it's just a short life to be.
Sun please give these happiness for them, they needs it better than I am.
Moon please take these scars high, in the dark, it's going to be my light.
Why is everyone crying? When I am always smiling?
Please wipe your tears away, I don't want to see sadness.
Dear God, it's all up to you now,
I'm obeying what you're wanting.
Dear God, I've finish my story now,
My dear Diary is keeping it for me.
Dear Diary... It's my time; I'm going now. I will miss you.
Dear Diary,
I'm right here now sitting in front of my opened, glassy windows, my still-wide eyes are staring over the enchanting views outside as the wind blew my soft-coloured, green curtains lightly over my head, whilst my finger is gripping my favorite green inky pen and trying to write inside your body of whatever it is my working senses are feeling...
I see cottoned clouds are turning black and gloomy. Bright skies are falling down, tearing the world's ground apart. Separating the blues from the greens, I see the tall mountains over the waving oceans, the trees swaying roughly as the thunders and storms strike them. My eyes also see some beautiful flowers changing it's colours to yellow and then fall down limply to the Earth, and some wild animals in the forest running quickly with fear as if something is chasing them...
No wait, was it really happening before me, or was it just my eyes seeing all this darkness...?
Dear Diary, I haven't believe it yet but; Is it my time already?
I heard my mother's praying in her room, shutting her eyes tightly but those tears flow out nonstop. My father is on the sofa in the silent living room, hands covering his face like he is losing something over a fight, in shame and in regret. Then I heard my older sister next door, sobbing terribly loud over her muffled mouth, and rummaging around her bedroom, trying to take her mind off things. There's also my oldest brother, who's punching the walls in his own bedroom, kicking his bedside, throwing things around and fighting not to let any frustration get out in the public.
Dear Diary, are they afraid of it; Is it my time already?
I feel a little weak now, my friend. I'm already tucking my head on my arms safely now, still writing inside you of course. I let my senses worked still, even though they tell me they feel a little numb now, but of course they're strong. They just need some more time so I can write some more here... Am I right? Hey, I'm smiling now! Oh, these tears shows that I'm happy, I'm going to leave this beautiful world, but I'll be living in another type of world now, not too sure if it's going to be better or worst than Earth. But you know how tired I am, and I don't want to see my family like they are right now... Don't you agree with me?
Dear Diary, please answer me; Is it my time already?
I'm getting a little too tired now, dear diary. I just have another couple words to say. A poem for you to remember my friend.
Birds please tell people my painful yearning, my heart's aching in slow rhyming.
Winds please fly away all those sadness from me, it's just a short life to be.
Sun please give these happiness for them, they needs it better than I am.
Moon please take these scars high, in the dark, it's going to be my light.
Why is everyone crying? When I am always smiling?
Please wipe your tears away, I don't want to see sadness.
Dear God, it's all up to you now,
I'm obeying what you're wanting.
Dear God, I've finish my story now,
My dear Diary is keeping it for me.
Dear Diary... It's my time; I'm going now. I will miss you.
of :
2010,
Emotional,
General Poetry,
Life,
Short Stories,
Writing
You Will Always Win.
Miia - 7th May 2010 -
You are strong, and you will always win. No matter what happens...
I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and POTS (aka Postural Orthastatic Tachycardia Syndrome). CFS means that my body has trouble getting the rest that it needs, so I'm constantly tired (to the point of no movement). As for POTS, that is the part that I have trouble dealing with. Even the slightest movement can make the room spin in circles or set my heart to racing and sometimes I ponder...
Is it going to stop?
At night, when I'm staring up at my ceiling, praying for my heart to calm down...it is all that I can think about. When I get up in the morning, and still feel like I haven't slept for days...it is all I can think about. When sitting on my bed pondering, can I make it to the bathroom before I fall over...it is all I can think about.
Life for me means taking it one hour or one minute at a time. There is no such thing as planning ahead to do something, because...
I. Just. Don't. Know.
When my friends are out living their lives, and I'm stuck inside all the time...it is all I can think about. When my brother talks about marching band, and I internally begin to cry because I wish I was there...it is all I can think about. When the doctor told me that this might not go away...it was all I could think about.
I hope it goes away.
But let me assure you, I AM NOT GIVING UP.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and POTS may have a hold of my life at the moment, but that won't last forever...I won't allow it. There are things in this life that I want to do, and I will not sit around because I "can't." I will get up (heart racing and all) and LIVE. MY. LIFE.
Go to college.
Get a job.
Fall in Love.
Have Children.
Live.
God has blessed me beyond compare, even though sometimes all I can see is darkness. He has given me a Mom who refuses to stop fighting for me, who makes me breakfast because I can't and who holds me tightly when I'm crying. He has given me a Dad who refuses to stop teasing me (in a good way) just because I'm sick and makes me smile, just because he's being weird.
God has blessed me with a brother, who has put up with my yelling, crying, and all around mood swings for the past four months and still tries to make me smile. God has blessed me with a church family, who prays for me like they breathe. :)
So once again, I'll say it...I'm not giving up and I'm not backing down. With the help of God, I will fight this to the bone because...
I am NOT my illness.
I Love You. May We Meet One Day And I Can Hug You...
You are strong, and you will always win. No matter what happens...
I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and POTS (aka Postural Orthastatic Tachycardia Syndrome). CFS means that my body has trouble getting the rest that it needs, so I'm constantly tired (to the point of no movement). As for POTS, that is the part that I have trouble dealing with. Even the slightest movement can make the room spin in circles or set my heart to racing and sometimes I ponder...
Is it going to stop?
Hold on there my dear friend...
Here I am so take my hands...
Neither CFS nor POTS is stronger than you...
Because you're still standing and they see it too...
It will be hard, dear, but they know you are a strong person...
At night, when I'm staring up at my ceiling, praying for my heart to calm down...it is all that I can think about. When I get up in the morning, and still feel like I haven't slept for days...it is all I can think about. When sitting on my bed pondering, can I make it to the bathroom before I fall over...it is all I can think about.
Life for me means taking it one hour or one minute at a time. There is no such thing as planning ahead to do something, because...
I. Just. Don't. Know.
Dear you are never, never alone at night...
If they try to bother you, you know my spirit is at your side...
Do you realize the sun is shining only for you in the morning...?
Because it wants to give you light and keep you smiling...
Life is never forever, dear, but it is your life, it is your time... You do it as you will...
When my friends are out living their lives, and I'm stuck inside all the time...it is all I can think about. When my brother talks about marching band, and I internally begin to cry because I wish I was there...it is all I can think about. When the doctor told me that this might not go away...it was all I could think about.
I hope it goes away.
Honey even if the doctor told you it won't go away...
I wish you'd keep breathing even if you weakly sway...
Your true friends, they might not show it, but inside they keep it...
A never-ending love so deep for you, only waiting for time to reveal it..
And God, also, hideously loved you more than us... He just loved you too much...
But let me assure you, I AM NOT GIVING UP.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and POTS may have a hold of my life at the moment, but that won't last forever...I won't allow it. There are things in this life that I want to do, and I will not sit around because I "can't." I will get up (heart racing and all) and LIVE. MY. LIFE.
Go to college.
Get a job.
Fall in Love.
Have Children.
Live.
It's the best pleasure to know that you wont give up, never...
To know that you will live your life and be happy, forever...
For you need to know that you're an angel, deep inside...
And no evil nor demon may win, because they're trapped outside...
I will be one of the luckiest person to know you live dear, to smile at you when you smile at me...
God has blessed me beyond compare, even though sometimes all I can see is darkness. He has given me a Mom who refuses to stop fighting for me, who makes me breakfast because I can't and who holds me tightly when I'm crying. He has given me a Dad who refuses to stop teasing me (in a good way) just because I'm sick and makes me smile, just because he's being weird.
God has blessed me with a brother, who has put up with my yelling, crying, and all around mood swings for the past four months and still tries to make me smile. God has blessed me with a church family, who prays for me like they breathe. :)
So once again, I'll say it...I'm not giving up and I'm not backing down. With the help of God, I will fight this to the bone because...
I am NOT my illness.
Needless to say now, you are better than the luckiest...
God, He cares for you and gifted you with people and His lovers...
Those sickness' know they're already losing so bad, and panting...
You've known the deepest secret of life and they're just nothing...
Because you are strong, my dear... And you will always, always WIN...
I Love You. May We Meet One Day And I Can Hug You...
of :
2010,
Emotional,
Free and Blank Verse,
General Poetry,
Life,
Poems,
Writing
Hello Baby...
Mia - 2nd May 2010 -
Mum! Look at him... Oh, aren't you so cute...?
Hello baby,
Little boy that hasn't come out yet,
The one that everyone is waiting for;
Look here,
Mummy is now smiling with cheeks so wet,
And daddy tells us he want to see you more.
Do you know how precious you are, my little one...?
Listen here baby,
When the time has arrive for you to see the world,
You'll feel so much warmth from these people around;
And remember this always,
We will hold you tight even when you grew old,
But right now we want to hear your laugh and frown.
Your crying and laughter will be our music now, sweetie...
I've lots of things for you baby,
I will hold your hands, and teach you how to talk,
Those first, unforgettable moments will be my lifetime memories;
I've also remind my self baby,
That I'll capture a beyond-words picture of your first smile and walk,
Then I'll put it in a frame for you to look at when you lost your old theories.
I also want to see the wonders in your eyes when you first see the sun, baby...
So feel our heart beat baby,
We're going to be with you from the second you were born,
We will be by your side when you fall, or when you rise;
And we promise you baby,
Your innocent, beautiful smile won't ever be torn,
And we'll make sure you grow with pleasure, lovely lives.
I can't wait for those sweet moment to come now, little brother...
Hello baby,
Are you as impatient as us now?
Are you smiling inside at the moment?
Did you feel our excitement now?
Did you laugh at our eagerness at the moment?
When you come out baby, mummy and daddy will be so lucky, and I will be so proud... for you, Baby...
Mum! Look at him... Oh, aren't you so cute...?
Hello baby,
Little boy that hasn't come out yet,
The one that everyone is waiting for;
Look here,
Mummy is now smiling with cheeks so wet,
And daddy tells us he want to see you more.
Do you know how precious you are, my little one...?
Listen here baby,
When the time has arrive for you to see the world,
You'll feel so much warmth from these people around;
And remember this always,
We will hold you tight even when you grew old,
But right now we want to hear your laugh and frown.
Your crying and laughter will be our music now, sweetie...
I've lots of things for you baby,
I will hold your hands, and teach you how to talk,
Those first, unforgettable moments will be my lifetime memories;
I've also remind my self baby,
That I'll capture a beyond-words picture of your first smile and walk,
Then I'll put it in a frame for you to look at when you lost your old theories.
I also want to see the wonders in your eyes when you first see the sun, baby...
So feel our heart beat baby,
We're going to be with you from the second you were born,
We will be by your side when you fall, or when you rise;
And we promise you baby,
Your innocent, beautiful smile won't ever be torn,
And we'll make sure you grow with pleasure, lovely lives.
I can't wait for those sweet moment to come now, little brother...
Hello baby,
Are you as impatient as us now?
Are you smiling inside at the moment?
Did you feel our excitement now?
Did you laugh at our eagerness at the moment?
When you come out baby, mummy and daddy will be so lucky, and I will be so proud... for you, Baby...
of :
2010,
Emotional,
Free and Blank Verse,
General Poetry,
Life,
Love,
Poems,
Writing
Don't You Remember?
Mia - 27th April 2010 -
Sighing...
I looked around the green park, studying silently from under the blooming tree, staring heavily over the high, blue skies on the horizon, with the beautiful birds singing along the noisy blowing breezes. Hugging my knees, feeling so cold inside out, I tucked my chin in, squinting my watery eyes tightly. My lips trembled hard with deepest fear, and bleeding truths. When I felt a warm wind tingles my ears with your softest touches, I heard a soft, melodious whispers of your soothing words, and saw a fading shadow beside me without wanting to; I felt your friendship presence so close to me... Eoin.
I remembered it... I remembered you...
Sniffing...
I tried to sit up, to lean on the tall tree trunks, just like how we used to calm our self during darker days. I bit my lower lip hard, just praying to stay strong, to try not to make any sound came out of me, because if it happened, it'd be loud, and I wouldn't be able to stop. Now that the sweet and bitter memories came back, I didn't know how to react with it. Whether to be happy with the unbelievable way you sat beside me, a little too far that I protested so that you made a face that made me laughed, my face lit up with so much shine, my eyes twinkled with smiles, and those moments where you just pulled me into your embraces, lightly, tightly, and rubs my back softly, telling me how much I meant to you, and how hard it was for you to find a friend like me. Or to be sad with the memories where you cried hardly on my shoulder, whispering to me all your dark, little secrets, and when you stared back at me, all I could only feel was what you felt inside, the one heart that I always wanted to share with. The sorrow, the happiness, your life... Eoin.
I missed it.... I missed you...
Sobbing...
I couldn't stop the tears to flow now, Eoin, I am sorry.
I couldn't help it. Didn't you feel it too, what I was feeling at the moment, at that particular second, the particular hours, the particular day? Did you forget it...? Did you just go and really leave me behind? What happened to your promises Eoin...? You told me to keep waiting, to be strong, to be independent. But, how could I Eoin? When you were the one who build me up and the one who broke me down? How? Looked at the green grass now; it turned yellow, deadly. Looked at the tall, blooming trees; it died, even if it was spring. Look at the blue, bright sky; it was dark with black clouds. Looked at those beautiful birds; it was hiding and praying in loneliness Eoin. It was lonely, just like me. Hiding from taking in a friendship again, a friendship just like yours. Just like what you gave to me.
You were the one who told me the meaning of Friendship.
But now I've lost it.
You crushed it down.
You were also the one who made it lost it's meaning.
I remembered it.... I missed it....
"Mia...it's 23rd April tomorrow... What shall we do?"
"What's so special about 23rd April, Eoin? What are you-"
"Silly. Don't you remember? It's our friendship day, Mia. My very best friend..."
I remembered Eoin.. I remembered.
I wanted to greet you, to tell you that I haven't forget, and I never would.
But where are you now?
Where...?
Shall I repeat something for you, dear Eoin...?
"Silly. Don't you remember? It's our friendship day, Eoin. My very, very best friend..."
Sighing...
I looked around the green park, studying silently from under the blooming tree, staring heavily over the high, blue skies on the horizon, with the beautiful birds singing along the noisy blowing breezes. Hugging my knees, feeling so cold inside out, I tucked my chin in, squinting my watery eyes tightly. My lips trembled hard with deepest fear, and bleeding truths. When I felt a warm wind tingles my ears with your softest touches, I heard a soft, melodious whispers of your soothing words, and saw a fading shadow beside me without wanting to; I felt your friendship presence so close to me... Eoin.
I remembered it... I remembered you...
Sniffing...
I tried to sit up, to lean on the tall tree trunks, just like how we used to calm our self during darker days. I bit my lower lip hard, just praying to stay strong, to try not to make any sound came out of me, because if it happened, it'd be loud, and I wouldn't be able to stop. Now that the sweet and bitter memories came back, I didn't know how to react with it. Whether to be happy with the unbelievable way you sat beside me, a little too far that I protested so that you made a face that made me laughed, my face lit up with so much shine, my eyes twinkled with smiles, and those moments where you just pulled me into your embraces, lightly, tightly, and rubs my back softly, telling me how much I meant to you, and how hard it was for you to find a friend like me. Or to be sad with the memories where you cried hardly on my shoulder, whispering to me all your dark, little secrets, and when you stared back at me, all I could only feel was what you felt inside, the one heart that I always wanted to share with. The sorrow, the happiness, your life... Eoin.
I missed it.... I missed you...
Sobbing...
I couldn't stop the tears to flow now, Eoin, I am sorry.
I couldn't help it. Didn't you feel it too, what I was feeling at the moment, at that particular second, the particular hours, the particular day? Did you forget it...? Did you just go and really leave me behind? What happened to your promises Eoin...? You told me to keep waiting, to be strong, to be independent. But, how could I Eoin? When you were the one who build me up and the one who broke me down? How? Looked at the green grass now; it turned yellow, deadly. Looked at the tall, blooming trees; it died, even if it was spring. Look at the blue, bright sky; it was dark with black clouds. Looked at those beautiful birds; it was hiding and praying in loneliness Eoin. It was lonely, just like me. Hiding from taking in a friendship again, a friendship just like yours. Just like what you gave to me.
You were the one who told me the meaning of Friendship.
But now I've lost it.
You crushed it down.
You were also the one who made it lost it's meaning.
I remembered it.... I missed it....
"Mia...it's 23rd April tomorrow... What shall we do?"
"What's so special about 23rd April, Eoin? What are you-"
"Silly. Don't you remember? It's our friendship day, Mia. My very best friend..."
I remembered Eoin.. I remembered.
I wanted to greet you, to tell you that I haven't forget, and I never would.
But where are you now?
Where...?
Shall I repeat something for you, dear Eoin...?
"Silly. Don't you remember? It's our friendship day, Eoin. My very, very best friend..."
of :
2010,
Free and Blank Verse,
Friendship,
Life,
Short Stories,
Writing
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