Insomnia With Machine Pens & Papers... ©

Back up to life.

2010-07-25T16:35:00.001+08:00

Mia - 25th July 2010 -

You found me when I was as fragile as an old, cracking glass, marooned silenced on the empty street, abandoned like an invisible dust. The sun didn't seem to be able to illuminate anymore sunshine for the crying, broken heart.

You found me when I stumbled down the folded grasses, crashed quietly into the full bushes, hidden perfectly as I was coated with red, dried blood showing no mercy towards my painful suffering. It was true, the sun no longer seemed to be able to illuminate anymore bright light to the darkening, blackness of the lonely heart.

The wound was too long to be there, pasted permanently into my heart, like an invisible scar unable to be washed away, became my most loyal friend throughout the rest of the journey of my life. But you have caught me, Gave me those vanished loves, gave me back my losing senses, so that I could turn my face to you, to give my heart for you and sworn my life for you.

There was nothing I could do, to shake my head while our eyes locked into each other, when you touched me, gave me the tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach, and kissed me your breath while our hands grasped each other tightly, and gave me the meaning of my life back into the reality.

Somehow in the dark, you turn on a candle light to shine the heart, who had died for such a long time, you gave spirit towards the broken, flying soul, and woke it up from all the hallucination of eerie nightmares.

You woke me back up into life. My precious life...

Realization.

2010-07-25T16:05:00.002+08:00

Mia - 25th July 2010 -

Without me realizing it...

I fell in love for the countless time again. When our gazes unified on one target of view to the clear, blue sky, painting every bright smile, sprinkling color full of rainbows, spreading the unreadable reasons of life. And I know I was born for you, whilst you sculpt a beautiful world, beyond every little watercolors, knowing that you were my guiding light, the pair of eyes for me to see the right path. There was no more darkness, as you shine the night bright, like angels being adorned in holy and love. As we all knew, in this gifted and miraculous life, nothing was perfect. Black and white was always there accompanying us in every step we took, every words we said, every movement we made. I would say an oath to die for you, my dear. As I owe you my life. There would be no other substitution, of my love for you, neither the huge land nor the deep sea. Because I would just unite them, and sat down on my knees whilst bowing my head down, as I spoke my most affectionate love for you, and spread my hands out to present you how much you have my heart.

Without me realizing it...

Coma.

2010-07-25T16:03:00.001+08:00

Mia - 21st July 2010 -

Drinks the blood greedily, eats the heart voraciously, drains the antibody completely and more over, kills the organs softly. Pulls the innocent soul of an unconscious person out into the cold air slowly. The job of an invisible evil, yet active and sickly rapid. Even the name brings the most awkward and disheartening atmosphere when being spoken out loud. Can easily stops the heart beat for a dead second whilst the aura of the chills last. Simply twists the mind of a stranger in grasping fright and give fears to the conscious just with the single, passing noun.

Leaves the helpless person motionless, untangled on the bed of white sheet and arms full with wired of liquid tubes and horrible chemicals. Skins as pale as a ghostly girl floating on the grave waiting for the moonlight to shine her. Chest keeps moving to the rhythm of the breathing, but everything else inside and outside of the body is dying. They say it's just for a little while, whilst waiting for it to escape from the sleeping soul and awakens the person back to the loud, adventurous reality. Temporarily dead. Squared-room filled with deafening silence and the beeping heartbeat and rating on the modern technology's screen. The journey of a heart who's about to continue or to end.

But this noun - this evil - is not the single, fine line between the miraculous life and the sentenced death. Therefore the helpless soul is actually not afraid of it. Of the deafening threats and blinding, invisible job. He and she has only known it, new and an unwilling stranger, not a true or real friend. It is just a hallucination from an unwanted dream. It's just too strong that it succeed in dragging and pulling the soul into the blackness of the ugly dark. Seeding the sharp, endless fear inside a pure heart, and deadly, firing scenes inside a beautiful mind. Almost like an apocalypse, conquering whilst the poor, two feet are lost in fighting the battlefield. The best persuader in the world when it comes to crushing an innocent life. Best persuader, strong hallucinations. But truth to be told, it is just not powerful enough.

When the innocent soul is lying there not moving, all the loving, caring and passionate ones are loyal to the end. They shed their precious tears out, shut their natural eyes and fold their hands together to perform a prayer, whispering words of awakening and full spirit, shining the brightest light towards the darkness, and even sleep their heads on the bed full of white, scary sheet. Their painful cries, forcing smiles, sincere prayers and honest words are the most powerful strength in this world. It's powerful enough to pull the soul back into the bright light and the reality of sweetness and bitterness. Feeling all the pain of the loved ones while laying there unattached is enough to wake one without any loud surprise.

All the love in the world is struggling to find it's real place back when everyone suddenly connect together to pray for each other. The link and the bond is the strongest connection. Whilst the reality is returning, somehow there is consequences. It's to be told that when this kind of situation happen, it actually depends on the soul to take the decision and to make the right choice. After all, what makes a man a man? It's not the choices he had, it's the decision that he makes, it's not how he start things, but it's how he end things. In the end, honesty wins whilst fallibility losses. The loyal ones stands straight with even stronger power as the evil is about to hide itself in shame and a life full of sin. And victory is right there at that moment when the innocent soul finally wakes up from the temporary dead.

Coma.

Exhaustion.

2010-06-27T07:27:00.000+08:00

Mia - 22nd June 2010 -

You know what?
Someday I'm just so tired with this life
I let the exhaustion get inside my restless mind
Then I keep making the happiness slipping away
Inviting the sadness to burden my droop shoulders
Making sure I let my self suffer with drooling pain
Forgetting how to remind my self with horrible angst
Then there's time where I let my tears drowned me
Stopping my hands from drying those bloody floods
Moments where I just sat alone in my square room
When the world outside has stop being fair and round
Playing my violin with fast track and tune of madness
Hurting my head with aching blows on the strings
Singing classic songs in the cold, frozen shower
Draining my self with storms and piercing rainwater
Writing nonstop on the same paper everyday
Ignoring the bleeding fingers that stench my cheeks
Staring hopelessly on the street at night of solitary
Dancing my feet on tap-tap like I'm so in love crazily
Letting the insomnia change it self
Becoming the unbearable insanity.

And then guess what?
I still can't stop motivating my own self
Telling my mind to calm down with starry stares
Caressing my own heart with my palms
Slowing it's beating with soft, begging words
Making sure my eyes can see beautiful, little light
At night where I don't have to feel so alone
Pulling a little smile on my face as to when I write
So my words are strong, lovely imagery poetic figure
Then forcing my self to greet every strangers
On the lonely street so I don't have to feel left out
Take one or two tissues to erase my tears
And let the rainwater be my inspiration instead
Asking each family to tell me what to do
Trying to do what they answered to that
Meeting the only true friend under the blue skies
Holding onto his arms telling him how much he means
Meeting the only light beside his eternal bed
Telling stories and remembering him of beautiful memories
Then try hard to escape from all this tragedies
Because there are tragical loneliness out there
So whilst I try to inhale an air so deep
That I'm able let it out slowly with care
And close my eyes with the intentions to sleep
Hoping that the next morning will be a better day.

Idk.

2010-06-27T07:26:00.000+08:00

Mia- June 22, 2010

It is just it is.

None of us human are born perfectly. But  we shall never regret for everything has happen and it just happens. We  all must have been through an ordeal differently, or get the same  tragedy as long as we breathe. They just never stop and never beckons  down as these tragedies will drown us to suffer pain and anger. It all  seems so hopeless as we have no real control to that, as though life has  no meaning anymore. Then there's the feeling of giving up,  surrendering, exhaustion to the realization of waking up to the same  events every morning and sleep through the same nightmares every night.  Every time we go through the hardest part of life as for losing people,  we'll ask a question that'll be unanswered. Why should we live if we'll  be dead in the end? What's the point? What? Then when the feeling of  butterfly-tickling love supposed to grow, instead the angst, ugly hate  invented it self alone inside from the core of our heart. From all the  solitary moment, the regret, the madness, the illogical preference of  all that happen in our life makes us blind, turns us into a heartless  man. Then there's another questions unanswered. Why had this happen?  What did I do wrong? Why? Perhaps love is beautiful and loneliness is  tragical. Whilst hate is ugly and pain is lovely. Then again, what about  those times where we are suddenly happy and we forget how it feels to  be sad? Even for that one moment in a day. Why do we always remembered  the harsh, sadness memories whilst setting aside those happiest, warming  memories? Stupid as it is, it is life. It's controlled by how we take  things, how we act into each and every events, how we responded to one  at a time. Fair or not, it's life. Is it not? Questions unanswered, love  and hate, pain and anger, sadness and happiness, memories and moments,  loneliness and friendliness. Such a perfect harmony so long gone just  because of a single unfair events. Peaceful is gone. War to come. When a  baby's born, so helpless and weak. Crying and screaming of the  children, frightening and fearing. The cut and slash of the men, guns  and pistols shooting of armies. Helpless women running, silence that  continued to be deafening. The elders, handicapped people get all the  discrimination. Heartless people laughter as loud as anything else,  above everything else. Teenagers turn homeless, parents becoming  ignorance. Stealing, fighting, slapping, stabbing, slaughtering,  killing. Customs and beliefs becoming arguments, debated over the news,  and such beautiful things can turn into an anger in the community and  raised yet another democracy. Useless. Religions, supposed to be  respected to each other, becomes one of the reason why stupid, useless,  illogical war happened these days. Oh dear. As if it is all a daily  basic affair. What a world. What a world, and what have we become? Funny  thinking there's only about less than five percent of the world's  population that honestly want to think about peacefulness in this era.  If it's not too late that is. Does all this hopes, wishes and prayers  enough? But then, as long as we're alive, breathing, we just can't give  up. We just never give up. Hoping for the impossible, dreaming for the  horrible. Because it's life.

It is just it is.

Judgement.

2010-06-27T07:25:00.002+08:00

Mia - 20th June 2010 -

My, my, my, I wonder why
I can hear your dirty secrets in my mind
Haunting and ghostly like those red wine
Lusty as ever as your soft words rhyme
Begging on your knees like I'm doing crime
Whispering on my ears to show you what I am.

My, my, my, I wonder why
Your filthy mind claim to tell how easy I seems
Rabid thinking of owning me in your imaginary dream
Of touching my curves and feeling the sleek of my slim
The running of your fingers on my back and skins
You think I'm that smooth I'll melt like some hot ice-cream.

My, my, my, I wonder why
How can you be so stupid to judge my body easily
You get blinded from the lust you're losing to me
I may look soft but I don't think you know what I can be
A man can get crushed inside a woman's hands freely
And it looks like I'm going to do that to you baby.

Story.

2010-06-27T07:25:00.001+08:00

Mia - 19th June 2010 -

Time's slowly fading away my dear
Leaving behind the story of us to be
Your smile will be in my heart forever
It'll erase all the loneliness inside me

I suddenly remember the moment
Where we were laughing together
It's still safe inside my heart's diary
One day it'll tell everyone our story

Once upon a time there's you and me
And we used to be together in harmony
Beautiful stories of those memories
For when we're sad, and when we're glad.

I miss you.

I'm Done.

2010-06-27T07:24:00.000+08:00

Mia - 19th June 2010 -

At this time of night, where I sat alone in my room, my mind couldn't help but to begin thinking about everything that happened around me, rewinding the days back, the events that occurred, logically or not, and those hours I've just passed through. Didn't matter if they were useless. It seemed like I stayed, unmoved, whilst the world was spinning around me like the unstoppable ticking of the wall clock's needles. Where outside I could feel my self becoming number as the minute moved on, the chill crawling beneath my vulnerable skins, but the blood inside my veins were burning hot, still flowing through every cells just like the strongest waves of the ocean, the nonstop streaming of the river's head and the uncontrollable waterfalls.

I don't believe with whatever you give to me anymore. I'm done. I'm stranded here, cornered to the edge, waiting for the perfect momentum to fade. I don't believe about going to the bright, orange sun anymore. I'm done. It used to be able enlightened the dark corner of my heart, but it is my biggest fear now to let my iris catches it's rays. I stopped hoping and waited for the darkness to conquer me. There's just no more love here, so why should I live when there's only pain here. If ever the happiness is created before, I wasn't sure why there should be black, when white could be a better fun, a better joy. I'm done. See you all someday, until we meet again.

I'm just going to go home now, to where I originally come from. Without rancor, I'll accept my losing, the feeling of being defeated. Not wanting to call my self a coward, because I've tried. I've tried everything with all that I have, sacrificing everything I have left. Yet there's just no other way. This could be the last, could be the first. I just wanted to go home and be safe there, lying with all soils, dead plants and ashing animals around me. Without rancor, someday someone will salute my winnings. Because I'm done.

I'm done.

Paralyzed.

2010-06-27T07:23:00.002+08:00

Mia - 16th june 2010 -

Please blow away the wind of the night
Let it take my song and pass it around
Far enough that I can't hear anything else
Just the wind blowing carelessly
I am an adventurer for now
Seeking for every meaning
Given for me with nothing free
I will try as long as I'm breathing
I'm like a violin without it's strings
If you don't complete me alone
I beg for you to stay here and never leave
Stretch of white sands waiting for me
Every reef on the sea cry with tears
If I really can't make you paralyzed
Please hug me tightly now
Touch every of my fingertips
Let your broken wings fly
High above with me in the sky
Across the clouds to the heaven
Take and lead me to your peaceful life
Fly, fly, fly with me.

Ways Of Life

2010-06-27T07:23:00.001+08:00

Mia - 16th June 2010 -

_{I'm used to calmly keep
Smiling
Even though my heart is
Crying.
You're the certain special, secret
Story
The I write with blood inside my
Heart.
You will be there and never will be
Erased
As you're my beautiful light here
Forever.
Forget everything leave them
All
When I will be calm and you are
Gone.
I will hug you tight in your
Spirit
You know now it's just the way of
Life.}

Nightly Butterfly

2010-06-27T07:22:00.001+08:00

_{Mia - 16th June 2010 -}_{Some of us hate her
Few of us needed her
Some of us knelt down to love her
But most of us heartlessly tortured her

The story line of the streetwalker's life
Seeking money to pay for her souls
Lips smile seducing with soft words begging
To each and every of those who came
Is it a sin what she is doing?
Are they holy enough those who ask?
Does it matter because there's nothing else
This is the story line of the Nights Butterfly's life

Sometimes she smiles in her tears
Sometimes she cries in her smiles
Then she said to herself :
Oh what happened, happened.
God helps when He wants to help.
Fair or not I don't have choice.
I only know how to continue my life.
As a Nightly Butterfly Woman.}

Space.

2010-06-27T07:21:00.000+08:00

Mia - 16th June 2010 -

Participating the leaves that gently flowing
Carried by the rivers to the end of the eyes
And I began to fear the born of losing
Inhaling a missing space it crushed my chest
Making my curved ways trying to touch you
Oh warmth did I feel inside my heart
I held it tight to me and stopped the time
Nevertheless it did not stop you walking away
Never did I doubt and always I remembered
The cast and warmth that your eyes gave
Though your touches were cold and frozen
I was at that time frightened to seek the meaning
Of growing alone within a space of missing
You came and went inside my mind
Just like that every day without a message
Accepting you and the way you behave
I did not cry when you came
Nor did I break into some kind of madness
But as soon as you decided to go away
Shutting my eyes with my heart whispering
I prayed we met each other in the space of missing

oh, help.

2010-06-27T07:20:00.000+08:00

_{Mia - 16th June 2010 -}_{Oh, help me
I'm drowning
So broke up inside.

I have fought to struggle
Not to break or to fall down
While I must stand alone on my own.
Believe me, do you?

When I wander out lost
Wondering if I could survive the pain
I want to rain heavily that the world could sink
For the burden's too heavy on my shoulders.

Where I fell and I broke
Waking up by the desire of anger
I want to storm hard that the world could tear apart
For the scar's too deep inside my heart.

I have failed while I tried
Burning inside I wanted to scream
It kills me not being able to be strong for you.
Forgive me, will you?

Oh, help me
I'm drowning
So broke up inside.}

June 15th, 2010.

2010-06-27T07:19:00.000+08:00

Mia - 15th June 2010 -

Today was cloudy, windy, sad, dark and slow.

It had been thirty days since Mario went to heaven.

I was not surprised that no one in my siblings remembered today, I have had guessed that. Perhaps my parents, but they were busy in Paris for their Orphanage business, and maybe they prayed for him. Maybe. It had been thirty days, and ever since that, I still could never take Mario out of my mind for a single day. Each and every day that I passed through, he would always be running through my brain. His name would be repeatedly announced out of my lips, his memories would never stop replaying inside my mind. And every time he visited me like that, spiritually, tears would still pouring down my cheeks, and though I am happy that he is in heaven, away from all the pain, I could not stop begging for him to come back, begging silently. Hoping that he might listen to me, hoping that one day, I could watch him growing up into a man, still as my little brother, but a man of his own, success and happy.

But maybe he is happy, somewhere above there.

The cemetery where he was buried was only a few miles away from my home. It was dawn, early morning when I started walking from my house straight to the cemetery. I had to work today, but earlier yesterday, I called to announce that I would be late coming in. The morning was cold and raining lightly, the sun was not up yet. I used to take a bus from the bus stop near my village, but I decided I would take the one closer to the cemetery. I wanted to visit Mario today. I always passed by his cemetery and looked at his grave from far away inside the bus, but today, I want to sit beside him for awhile, and to tell him some stories... just like what I used to do every night he wanted to go to sleep. And so that was what I did. It was not long after I sat beside his grave and broke off.

The day was not black, it was not even raining. But I wish it was. I wish it was black so no one could see that I was crying. I wish it was raining so every one would mistaken my tears were actually the rainwater. But I did tell him some stories, as I sat there alone, kneeling beside him, and did not take the matter of anything around me. I told him about what have I did everyday, what was happening at the orphanage, I told him about the beauty of the sunset, and remind him our memories together and I sang his favorite song. I was not even scared with the empty cemetery like I used to be. With Mario in the middle of the crushing, dead corpse, I felt slightly brave. Though whenever the realizations hit me, that he was one of them, I was weak all over again that I could not stand.

When I sat on the nearest bench and let my eyes cried anymore tears that it wanted to, I heard footsteps from behind me. I turned around to find a mixture blood of English and Malayan guy climbing the stairs down from the upper cemetery. I was a little surprised with that, as I thought the cemetery was empty; he must have come earlier. And it seemed to me that he was so lost in his own thought that he did not see me as he sat on the bench. And like always, my own feeling was defeated and my heart broke whenever I saw a person who was alone, sad, crying, or even in silent, with a face that showed that he/she was lost, hopeless, alone, defeated and dying inside sitting on the street or anywhere. I had always have the urged to help to brighten up their days, even just for a few second to see their sincere smile, not a smirk, not a losing smile. A real smile. Taking a deep breath, I tried my best to forget about everything for awhile. If it was not for his helpless, pale face, I would not consider bringing a conversation up.

"Are you unwell?" That was the dumbest question ever right at that moment. My voice broke from all the crying, and I just sounded pathetic. His face did not show if he was surprised when he turned to me. His brownish eyes looked watery and hopeless, he did not smile, nor did he frown; his expression was flat.

"Who could ever be well in this kind of place?" Now that was formal, I thought. The voice was soft, and reasonable, I was just glad he was not mad. His eyes kept staring over the space in front of him, his hands clasped together under his chin, as if he was praying. I relaxed, glad that he did not see my red face.

"You look pale, is all."

"Probably because of the cold." He sighed. And I thought he must be in such situation like I did.

I was not sure what else to say, until I saw the special army bracelet he was wearing. "You're an army?"

He glanced at me, before looking down to his left wrist, and nodded. "Yeah. Physically." He unclasped both his hands and put it in his jacket's pocket as he leaned on the bench.

"You must have done a lot of help in your life for your country..." I smiled though my face seemed to be frozen as my tears dried.

He stared at me for a moment, and I was afraid I said something sensitive for him, so I looked everywhere but him, waiting. "Sometimes... But like I said, I'm only physically an army. What's your name, if I may be bold enough to ask?"

I smiled again, loving the way he spoke so formal. "A true army, a true soldier is always based upon what he aims honestly in his heart, so only he knows whether he is a true army, physically or not. And my name is Mia."

"You're... You're right. But I am not so sure what is it I aim for as a true soldier after seeing so many death in front of my eyes, so many bloodshed, so many innocent souls dying," he sighed again, "my name's Martin. I'm actually visiting Brunei for a few days now."

"But it's the risk of being a soldier, no? Plus, you're never alone in seeing people dying, we all do, we all will. And welcome to Brunei, sir." I smile again, trying to ease the tense moment growing around us because I could not believe we were talking about dying people in front of a cemetery.

"How old are you? You seemed... Very young. Forgive me." He suddenly spun and turned his body to face me. I was so taken aback I did not know what to do. I bit my lips as I stole a glance to my watch. 8.15 A.M.

"I'm seventeen." I replied shortly.

"Young yet wise, huh?" For the first time since I saw him, he gave me a slow, sincere smile. It fits him very well, he should smile more. I smiled back, unsure of what to say.

"I'm twenty-five old." He said, still smiling. I arched my eyebrow and smile politely. I did not think he could be twenty five, he looked younger than that, he looked like twenty. His face was all clean shaved but I could see a short scar on his left cheek.

"Ah, it's not that old. When you're still twenty, you're still teeny. I'm glad you could smile, I'm happy to see that." I smile again, and as per usual, anyone whose smile was sincere and light, that would already be enough for me to make me smile.

"Thank you. It has been a hell of a morning." He smiled again, this time with a pair of sad eyes.

"Same here, sire. Just like I told you, never alone." I smiled back, and stood up. "But... I think I have to go now, it's almost 9, and I have work to do." I looked at him apologetically.

"Oh well let me walk you. Where are you going?" He abruptly stood up too.

"To the bus stop just at the front. You don't need to do that-"

He stopped me from talking and bow slightly as to let me lead him to the front gate. I sighed and smiled at him before walking down to the gate and led us towards the main roadside. "I never actually asked you... Are you... visiting a friend?" I slowly pointed towards the cemetery that we were about to pass.

He was tall beside me, I envied him. "Yes, a former great army. My best buddy. After 3 years, I still couldn't forget him. He was a Bruneian, hence the grave is here." We were silent for awhile. Then he asked me, "What about you?"

I swallowed, telling my tears not to pour down once again as the thought suddenly strike me. "My little brother, not by blood. But he's my light, and he still is. He has only been gone for a month, so... it's not that long yet for me." I smiled as we walk towards the bus stop.

"I'm sorry for your loss..." He was almost whispering. We stood silently beside each other under the bus stop. Waiting for the bus to came and letting the sun dried our tears up. He shoved his hands in his pocket, shuffling his feet. The silence was uncomfortable for me, it made my mind kept thinking about Mario, and how he is holding up. I glanced back to where we walked from and saw the cemetery fading away. I whispered in my heart : Little one, I have to go for now. But like you already know, I would never leave you, you're always in my heart. I will come back soon, and tell you what I should tell you. I love you... I smiled for awhile and before Martin could spot it, I found the bus coming over. Martin finally looked down on me and smile sincerely.

"Time to go?"

"Yeap. You're not going to be lost right?" I grinned.

"I've been visiting Brunei for the past three years, Mia, don't worry," he chuckled. I smiled wider. The bus came to a halt in front of us and I took a few steps forward to the opened door.

"Wait. Mia, my personal card." Martin went up beside me and handed me the blue card as he shook my hand. I looked down on it before looking back up on him.

"Well thank you for this." I waved the card at him.

"Consider me a call anytime, will you?" He bend his head to the right slightly and grinned.

I chuckled, "Of course. Oh, and remember. He who stand, fight and save his country, his people, his family, his friends and himself is the truest warrior out there. So when you have fought, you have tried, you have saved, but there are still death, don't worry, the dead knew who you are, saw who you are, witnessed who you are, and if it makes your heart break, think of the one who are alive, and is still needed to be saved. They needed you, Mr. Army." I grinned quickly and waved at him before stepping up into the bus and quickly found a sit beside the window closer to where he stood.

We waved at each other before the driver drove us apart. He mouthed the words thank you and I smiled at him. And I was still smiling after he was long gone behind and thought about Mario. I wish I could tell him about how fortunate it was for me to meet a stranger and make a new friends again. Especially when I was able to help him smile. It had been awhile since I helped a stranger, and I missed doing it.

I missed the peacefulness that flew into my heart as soon as I saw a stranger smile sincerely.

I missed Mario. I missed how his smile had always brought a peaceful and calm state into my self, and brought me an endless inspiration. Since the first time I saw Mario's pure smile, I had always loved smiling, and loved everyone else to smile. And would always want to do everything I could to make them smile. Mario had taught me a lot of things, without him knowing it. If only he could be here longer, with me, I would be so much better than I am now. He would have told me little more than just this, and I could have witnessed how he grown up, how he matured easily, how he put a meaning into someone else's life. He was just so little...

So little that he did not deserve for the pain that he suffer.

How I wish to exchange his place to mine.

I wish...

I miss you Mario, little one. Yesterday, today, and forever. No one knows how much you mean to me, how much you have change my life after six years together. You have never spoke to me, but how great it was your impact that have gotten into my life. You are one brave boy, you have fought through your life in pain yet still you can make other small people just like me to be happy, and I know you are the real warrior out there. You never give up in your life though the pain was unbearable. You're so brave, so strong... I love you.

Drinks and Drugs

2010-06-27T07:18:00.000+08:00

Mia -12th June 2010 -

Drinks and drugs are my things
Things that greatly inspire me
Inspire me with stunning words
Words that I can inked down
Down inside my scrap notebook.

Perhaps my addiction is getting stronger
Stronger like when it immersed me
Immersed me with my deeper emotions
Emotions in which I always wish to let out
Let out just to be creative or just to be
To be satisfied over my own feelings.

Cigarettes, beer or coffee in a hand
A hand while the other one is writing
Writing as fast and as much as possible
Possible enough to fill the empty paper
Paper that will be a proof to me one day
One day where I wake up and realize
Realize that it was my writing
My writing for when I am on
On my drinks and drugs.

Pitying over my self
My self while reading it
Reading it and smiling
Smiling because I feel
Feel satisfied over those
Those emotional words
Creativity with uniqueness
Uniqueness that makes me
Makes me proud on my own
My own drugs and my own drinks.

Missing.

2010-06-27T07:17:00.000+08:00

Mia - 12th June 2010 -

I keep walking without stopping.
And you even have gone leaving.
I pray in the middle of the beautiful world.
I pray for you that I will always miss a lot.

Begging for you to stay here.
And you will not leave me, ever.
Coated in the middle of the world's coldness.
Coated with you that I always miss ever since.

Begging for you to stay here.
And you will not leave me, ever.
Keep singing, na na na na na...
Keep singing for you that I miss so much.

Beg.

2010-06-27T07:16:00.000+08:00

Mia - 12th June 2010 -

Whenever I think of you,
Too far in the eyes,
Closer to the heart,
The thoughts about visiting,
Though there will be differences,
For the journey will be dangerous,
Because you are in heaven,
And I am in fantasy of hell reality.

Whenever I think of you,
Too far in the eyes,
Closer to the heart,
Will it be the same for you,
The desire of meeting again,
When you watch me from above,
As I smile beneath my tears,
And cry beneath my laughter.

If I am still able to speak now,
I have polite words to be spoken,
If people ever despise you for you,
I will stand by you and praise yourself,
Guardian will be me, angel will be you,
You were still young when you left,
So please forgive me when I beg,
Beg for you to come back.

Let Me.

2010-06-27T07:15:00.002+08:00

Mia - 12th June 2010 -

The sky was so dark and the night was lonely. Neither the traffic nor the people stopped crowding the street. Droplets of rainwater poured down from the clouds, watering the dry earth. Standing drenched with open wounds, I had to watch my affection for you torn apart. Nothing else was spared, no. I wanted to reset the day, I wanted to fix it better. You were wrong when you said I could go on in life without you. You were wrong, and I knew it. I needed you, I always needed you. How dare you left me and never came back.

Where is that heaven? Let me changed your place with mine.
Is the heaven there? Let me entwined mine with yours.

But though it happened; I let my smile dancing in the moist, still air. I let every one know, and realized. That even death would never do us apart. Death would never stop my affection for you. Death would never change my opinion about you, about the fact that you have loved me from the very first day. And even if you were far away, up above in the sky, I would tell people, that you still love me. And that we would never forget each other.

Even though...
Even though there was no meaning for me to be alive anymore when you were not there beside me, like you used to be.

Where is that heaven? Let me changed your place with mine.
Is the heaven there? Let me entwined mine with yours.

The former.

2010-06-27T07:15:00.001+08:00

Mia - 12th June 2010 -

I used to be the person that you praised
The person that you dear the most
As you said I was the best champion
That you would always love.

Now that the wheels spin around.

You began to despise me these days
Throwing me away from your life
Letting me suffer my own dirty blood
Inside the suffocation of forever.

Because now the wheels really spin around.

Where had your sweet promises gone?
Telling me you will always be loving me
Until the last second of my breaths.
Now you had really left me
When I was slumped alone
On the corner of the silent street.

There I was... The former.
There I was... Your ex.

Where had your sweet promises gone?
Willing to be loyal until my own death
Now you had really left me
When I was falling and I was alone.

There I was... The former.
There I was... Your ex.

Sick of the loneliness slicing
When all the love just vanish.

Where had your sweet promises gone?

Irreplacable.

2010-06-27T07:14:00.001+08:00

Mia - 12th June 2010 -

You... It will always be you. I always think about you, there will never be an end to that. It is true, it is always you. I always ache for you, your little touch, your innocent smile and your graceful hands movement whenever you speak to me. Maybe it is only you, being my most beautiful light that I have ever had. During the journey of my life, that started ever since your heart beat slowly, to the day that you come into my life, until it was gone, and every day has change. Maybe it is only going to be you, your light is just different from others. I get thirsty from missing you so much.

I really want you to know my deepest message from the core of my heart. You are the only light that ever shine me as bright as the sun, and even brighter. You are the first, and you are the last. There is not a single person that can replace you as you are irreplaceable. There will be no one else exist. Only you. Will never exist. Only you are my brightest light in my life.

Six years from since you first smile to me, I still remember how much peacefulness it has pour into my heart. Your innocent, little face, when you angle it to the right to look up at me, and your eyes shine to me like a diamond in the sky. But you do not know how beautiful yours are. Your little fingers, plump and soft, holding and gripping mine so tight like you never want to let go. The way you play with me like you want to play with me until the end of time. You are so little, so innocent. So beautiful, so bright. Just like a little angel.

And even though you never tell me you love me from your voice, I know your sign language from your hands are just more than enough.

When I said : I love you, little one. You will always put your hands against your heart, only to tell me, that you love me too.

Maybe... You will be the only beautiful light I have ever had in my life. I love you.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2010-06-27T07:13:00.000+08:00

Mia - 11th June 2010 -

Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...

I bit my lower lip hard as my forehead wrinkled and folded into hundred lines of late night phobias. I started to sweat, when it was cold at that moment, not as warm as I wanted it to be. Turning my shivering body to my right side, my half-shut eyes quickly captured the moonlight shadowing the darkness inside my bedroom from my window glass. I tucked both my hands on the underside of my favorite pillow and tried to comfort my head as much as I could. There was no wind inside, yet I felt as chilled as if I was standing outside in my garden in the middle of the night, with the breeze flying pass my body, and droplets of rain piercing through my pale skins.

I closed my eyes, shaking my head slowly, wanting the imagination to quickly escape from my exhausted mind. I still remembered a minute ago, I was washing my face and saw my own reflection on the mirror in my bathroom. I never looked so horrible in my life. My eyes were bloodshot red, black shadows covering on the bottom of it as if I was wearing mascara, except I was not. My face was pale, or maybe the whole of my skins were pale. I looked thinner, and for some reason I was sickly happy about it. My head ached so bad I wish I could slap it on a wall. Hard. Being afraid of my own reflection, I quickly went to the kitchen and took a bottle of warm water. Inside my room, I got my pills out from the cupboard. Before taking most of it into my hands, I sat on the edge of my bed feeling frustrated because I had to take these pills yet again to help me fight my own problem. But whether I fought or not inside my mind, debating about it, those pills were going to end swallowed in my throat and into my stomach. As always.

I could not feel warm, comfortable or safe whenever the night came. Every after midnight, I would need to find my self doing anything, just anything, so that I did not have any barriers to let my self think, especially not whilst alone. It could be dangerous if I had to sit alone in my room, lying on my bed and did nothing. I could even cry or shout so suddenly, out of nowhere. And I did not want to ever do that again, just to make people worried. It was so hard for me, so hard that I wish I had a friend, invisible or not, to stay inside my room during midnight until dawn just to accompany me and fought with me the traumas I had. I would not mind if the person was silent all the time, just be there and hold my hands, do tell me I am not alone. Please, somebody...

Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...

The clock showed it was 3:56 a.m. It was almost dawn. I shook my head, feeling my self was on the edge of crying. My tears were wet, still strongly not letting those tears to roll down off my cheeks. I swallowed, before slowly sitting up and crawled out of my blanket. Inside the darkness of my room, I went to take my phone at the table and decided to open the Music Gallery. My fingers quickly scrolled the button down to find a song that would always accompany me through my sleepless nights. I found the song and smiled alone like one crazy girl. Gripping the phone in my hands, I went towards my window and slowly looked outside the view. Dark, cold, and drizzles. I saw the moving trees, the moon, the stars, and I could not help but wish to be there with them. Sighing like some kind of lunatic, I closed the curtains in one swift movement and slammed my self down on the bed again. This time, I took the blanket to cover me, and laid on my back, facing the ceiling whilst the song still sang out lowly from the phones speaker.

I closed my eyes once more, starting to feel numb and exhausted everywhere on my body. I smirked, knowing how fast the pills worked on me. Then my favorite lyrics started to sing in the air. I sang it out together with the artist. Whispering like a demonic angel in the middle of the night, and at last feeling the hot, rolling tears on my cheeks. I did not open my eyes, instead shut it tighter, letting the song that accompanied me every night, sang me the lullaby that would make my heart in a perfect calming state.

As usual, for once, I felt like sleeping after a few minute of swallowing those pills. Killing me softly, I knew, but what could I do? I did not have anymore choice than to have eaten them all every time I had to sleep. I had to. I had to.

So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you will wait for me. Hold me like you will never let go. Cause I am leaving on a jet plane, dont know when I will be back again. Oh baby, I hate to go...

As frustrated as always, I found my self drifted slowly to my dreamless sleep... Even if it would take only a few hours before the sun is rising, this could maybe feel better. Maybe I would feel safer as soon as I went to sleep, after all... Another warm tears rolled down my cheek. I rolled to my side and buried my face onto my pillow.

Just one of those nights... Just one of those nights...

A gift in a gift

2010-06-27T07:12:00.002+08:00

Mia - 9th June 2010 -

It is his day!

We stop breathlessly and flop ourselves on the old, colorless bench together. I giggle, tucking my hair behind my ears and toss my head back, shutting my eyes as I do so and smile towards the calming, blue skies. He grin casually, beads of sweats are still covering most of his forehead but he ignored them. Fanning himself with his shirt, he leans down on the bench, one leg folded up as the other one hang down loosely.

"Manage to win, didn`t I?" He says, grinning over at me as I open my eyes and stare at him.

"That was just a tiny running competition, lets try some marathon next time. Deal?" I wink.

"Deal," he winks back non-chalantly. We laugh out loudly for awhile.

The southern, little park is not as crowded as usual, there are just some people, who seems to be teenagers and less than old, talking to each other, wildly ignoring whatever is happening around. Probably the same with us, but it is important for me to see what is the surrounding like before I can do my plan.

Yes. I have a secret plan. And I am just about to reveal it.

"What are you thinking about?" Both his eyes are still looking over something in the distance when I looked at him.

"Aging. Lol." He rolled his eyes.

"Oh dear. Best not be, not a pleasant thing to think about, you know..."

"Well why dont you tell me what is pleasant?"

Its always like this. He is just a genius in twisting people minds with his words. He is also one of the best writer whose works I always adore. Poems or proses, he keeps on doing something with such a unique style of his own and tells us the message he wanted to tell. Likewise, now, he is probably just testing my knowledge. I mean, what is there so pleasant enough to think about right now? What should I say? And have I mention that he is an amazing writer? Well, he is.

"You know what.... I got something for you." I am suddenly impatient for my plan. He has this teasing smirk on his face when he turns to me.

"Yeah? Pleasure thing, or painful one?" He asks. Twisting minds again.

"I... Im not sure," I shrug, taking out my small, plain notebook from my bag, "for you." I smiled sincerely.

"Me?" He hesitates in taking the notebook from my hands.

I nod eagerly, smiling cheekily, "Read it."

He confusingly smirks again and glances at me before turning back towards the notebook and opening it slowly. The first page begin to come into view. And I hear his little gasping before he starts reading every words I scribble down in that notebook.

First page :

"Hey Tom Slogrove. Happy Birthday!"

Second page :

"Happy  birthday Tom, I really wish youre having a day
A day that youll  cherish and an age that youll remember
Remember it and the first time  I met you on deviantART
DeviantART that gives me lucky chance to  read your writing
Writing thats so unique, photography and drawing so  beautiful
Beautiful just like how you adore the wonderful Lady Gaga
Gaga  that keep inspiring you with vodka and cigarettes
Cigarettes during  rainy days and those days you talk to me
Me agreeing with you most of  the time just to tell you
You are an amazing, developing artist in  my opinion
Opinion that I would like you to know it today
[Because]  Today is the day, is not that what you say?"

Third page :

"I  talk a lot, did not I?
Well. In Short : You are one amazing friend.
And  Happy Birthday Tom!"

I grin widely at him as soon as he finished reading it.
Wishing silently he get what I am saying and he knows how cool Mr. Tom is!

What have I done?

2010-06-27T07:12:00.001+08:00

Mia - 9th June 2010 -

We have done and try it all, but there seems no hope at all.

Someday, these days, children, teenagers or adult, there are just no barriers to what differentiate us. When one falls down, two fall together. If you think you have been through so much in life, through the strongest waves of the ocean and the loudest strikes of lightning, you may as well listen to what others have achieved while they stand on the peak of the mountain, falling down, or sitting down in the middle of nowhere, broken heart. So when life treats you bad, you may as well listen to someone elses.

Remembrance to the past, strengthens the future.

Should we be blind for some reason, towards the wonderment that the world has yet to offer us and let it all takes us by surprise? Or shall we be the face without a name, and a soul without a breath towards each other? There are unopened doors with hidden keys thrown somewhere. These keys, eventually, are not only for the doors, but what leads us to behind the frame. The key for us to open our eyes, and give a chance to anything and anyone to come to ourselves, seeking for either pleasure or pain. But knowing that you would not be able to go anywhere because we are all living in one planet. Why cannot we hold each others, no matter young or old, sexualities or even religions. When things happen, it happens, and this will be our own book of history towards the eternity later.

Flames to dust; lovers to friends.

Everything just feels like breaking down. Of course, with you not letting your self to help or to be helped. What is the point of living when you keep telling yourself you are alone? And in heart whispering : If you go, then so will I. It is not our aim. Failing will always happen as long as we are alive, pain and cruelty will never leave us alone. They could even be our very close friend. But lets think of the opposite ways; these feelings, they are the one who will lead us to be able to choose what we wants, whether good or bad, positive or negative. From pain, cruelty, anger, leads to true friends, love and happiness. Blaming is only to be accused to your self whenever accidents happened. Do not point your finger to someones faces, instead, point it back to your self and ask your heart ; What have I done?

Hopeless Romantic

2010-06-27T07:11:00.000+08:00

Mia - 9th June 2010 -

Being a hopeless romantic girl
she walks down the barren road alone
only to be accompanied invisibly
with the diamonds up on the sky
at a breezy night with droplets
where no one really know who she is.

The small boots of hers make a sound
too loud beneath her that she cringes
every time it attracts people s attention
and when she smiles at them sweetly
their sincere reply will always cool her down
but nothing is strong enough to freeze her.

Both her hands tight inside her pocket
the denim jeans and baggy shirt she wears
covered her body during the hot summer
where she suppose to have pub party
yet she cannot stop her exhausted mind
to keep thinking about her lonely heart.

How she wishes so badly right now
if only the man of her dream walks beside her
holding her soft yet cold hands in a grip
kissing her full lips that never been kissed
to trace the contour of her heart from her skins
and to tell her just how much she means to him.

Keep Singing...

2010-06-27T07:10:00.002+08:00

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

hey hey hey...
its time to return, time to follow your heart
hey hey hey...
its time to sing, to intone your dreams today

let your hum colour the world
and allow the time to taste what you would offer

scatter the love and kept on singing
sing a song that will entertain their hearts
the lonely hearts that continues to grieve
sadness that still haunts them invisibly
life is short than most have thought
now temporarily forget everything
everything would have ended
where eventually we will return

hey hey hey...
its time to play with our wild dreaming
hey hey hey...
you dont need to confront all that bothers you

dont this life is one journey that never ends?

so sing my song
and sing your song
forever we kept singing
lets go na na na na...

Be my friend...

2010-06-27T07:10:00.001+08:00

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

it is not easy for us to confront ourselves
to the significant difference we have
and nor does it easy for us
to pass all the successive hurdles.

you are still standing
I am still here
showing the world
the meaning of friends.

you are a true friend
we are true friends
face the world
hold my hands.

it s never easy for us to realize
what our heart wants to share
never easy for us to understand
while we are listening to each other.

but you are...

where i share my story
where i give all my history
so be part of my life
whether you are perfect
or as imperfect as you think
please just be my friend
and together we face the world.

Before the Light...

2010-06-27T07:09:00.001+08:00

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

I remembered the heart
Studded and coated with dreams
Oh, where did you go love?
The silent journey
That you traveled alone
Oh, strengthen your heart, love.
Reminding you to
Ostentatious morning dew
Who accompany you before the light
Tender wind that blows
Over your skins and through your heart
That will caress your love
Oh, caress you, love.
Forces which hold the promised heart
Do hold my hand, love
I was not going to leave you alone
Love accompany your hearts to remind you
The ostentatious morning dew
And the tender wind that blows
Who accompany you before the light.

Oh, before the light, love.

Until Next Time..

2010-06-27T07:08:00.000+08:00

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

If you ever been afraid of death,
We are common.
If you ever feel broken heart,
That is also a common.

And often,
Bad luck comes and goes,
Without permission,
From your mood.

No matter,
Keep chasing your dreams,
Stronger,
And if you want to stop,
Remember,
To start again later.

Keep the spirit,
And the firm heart,
Every day,
Until next time,
Where death comes.

Sometimes it is true,
Love split into two,
Because it is true,
Often dreams unfulfilled,
Often.

Fixed your steps.
Hardened your heart.
Until death comes.
Until next time.

Still I wonder if...

2010-06-27T07:07:00.000+08:00

Mia - 8th June 2010 -

Then...

All my life I have been waiting, for you to bring me a real fairy that is talking.
I have been tired of living in a fake fantasy, a world without justice or symphony.
I do not feel the slightest bit safe, it feels like I am drowning inside a cave.

Still I...

Not opening my self towards anyone, hiding like a criminal on the run.
Nor looking or seeing, I am closing myself to anybody who is figuring.
Never showing the truths nor telling lies, I only wish for mercy in life.

Wonder...

Something is spreading it s way out, and screaming away that loud.
Something that gives me my greatest fear, and has my eyes in crimson tears.
Something that I want to forget about, when I try my best not to be proud.

If you know...

Do you know how it feels, when you are left alone and everything freezes?
How do you feel when it scratches inwardly, where your heart is beating silently?
Do you realize that time has stopped, how you stand there like a statue about to drop?

How it really...

Broken, empty, and in despair, want to breath free but I cannot find air.
Thinking that you are send from up above, you must have felt so loved.
It never feels safe here living like a prey, I think I really need to pray.

Feels...

Life has been cruel in it s own, playing these innocent souls like a ball thrown.
Always blaming this careless, little man, let us hope someday you might understand.
There is so much more for me to say, but I just really hope you find a way.

And Still I Wonder If You Know How It Really Feels...

He said : One day, they will...

2010-06-27T07:06:00.003+08:00

Mia - 6th June 2010 -

"Shh..." He held me tightly to his chest.

Wrapping my limp body with his arms so warm and comfortable like the thick layer of blankets during those cold, rainy nights. His chin rested lightly just above my forehead, and his fingers caressed my hair softly. All that he did is the only safety I could ever find in this cruel world. If he was not there, I could bet every last drop of my blood that not even a single peaceful day could be found on Earth.

I heard the slow rhythm of his heartbeat. My arms locked behind him, hugging him as close as possible. Burying my wet face on his left shoulder, letting my hot tears stained his dark blue, old shirt. I was sobbing and sniffing, but there was no sound of me crying in that middle of the night. I did not want to look weak in his eyes, or everyone else. But I could not manage, I was weeping like a baby.

"Shh..." He let his thumbs dried my cheeks.

I did not look up, I shut my eyes tightly. Kept holding onto him. My heart was not stable, it felt like I wanted to hide my self away from the bright light and showed my self in the dark. Even the moon outside was too bright for me. I was slightly afraid of everything. How stupid of me. How dumb I was. But even then, I could not help my self to stop; I kept crying, I kept weeping, I kept hiding.

Until he spoke to me with such a perfect, soothing voices and some choices of words that only assured and confide me that he was right all along. His long sentences and advices that made me the better me.

"Shh... There is no need of crying, Emilia. You do know that this world, it is temporary. Which means nothing will last forever..."

He stopped for a second or two. Letting me absorbing his words.

"Blood. School. Friends. Lovers. Jobs. Titles. Murders. Greed. Politics. Exams. Life. They are not permanent. There is also nothing best in those. Nothing is best when nothing is forever. So do not take those things for granted. When you succeed, do not feel over satisfied. When you failed, then do not give up too. This is our rise and fall through life. No one is better than one. Nothing is lovelier than a thing. Nothing is weaker, no one is stronger. We are all the same. Do not we share the same round planet called Earth and breath in through days brighten up by the same orange sun, and lighten by the same silver moon light?"

I did not flinch. But I stopped sobbing and sniffing. Only my tears did not stop flowing.

"Every man must found his own destiny. And so do you. It is alright if you fail now. It does not matter if you do. It will be your proof during that one day, where you will be asked, of what you have done to search the true you. Failure is the only path to the success. And you should be happy now, dear, that you have failed now, during this temporary life. That means when life is forever, you will be success..."

My head spin all around from his wise words. He just made me realized about a lot of things.

"Do not cry Emilia... Failure means you success. I am proud of you, and your mother loves you so much. We are not angry when you fail like this. When you believe you have done the efforts, hard works and everything that is needed yet you still fail, then that is just a small test for you. Everyone will be passing through a situation like that sweetheart. You are not alone there. It will make you better, not the best. But you will be able to find your true self within. Do not cry, do not give up... Keep trying until you can find the answer..."

He smiled, I could feel it above me. My tears flowed even stronger like the waves of the ocean.

"And do not worry when people look down on you, Emilia. For one day, they will seek for you, and they will recognize you. They will see the hardships in you, ask you how you do it, and beg for you to tell them what was the secret lies behind your successions. And with a smile. You, my daughter, will answer them the same answer I would have given to everyone. That the secret lies in between our own self, that flows in between our blood and veins, heart and mind, eyes and lips, nose and ears, and that it is the only reason why we should find our own path. And no one has their path straight, every path is a curve towards the straight, endless secrets."

I was stunned, and speechless. My heart beat calmly while he caressed me again.

"Did you listen to me? Or were you asleep all along, Emilia?" He chuckled inwardly. I felt his vibration when he laughed. And from the dim of light, I saw my mother approaching us at the sofa. With a smile on her beautiful face and an expression that would bring me to my happiest moment of life.

My tears flowed even faster as I shut my eyes tightly. As there was darkness that closed me, I heard the slow dripping sound of the raindrop outside.

My head repeated every of his word. I was amazed of how much I remembered every single of it. It flows like the river inside of me.

And my heart whispered : I love you, dad. Thank you for simply being my father. You have just changed my paradigm of life....

His Confused Confessions

2010-06-27T07:06:00.002+08:00

Oh, dear Lord!
Why cannot you see it? Why cannot you feel it? Do not tell me you cannot sense it. It is everywhere in me. It is right in my eyes, inside of me. My own heart, my brain, in my words, in my movement, in every air I breath.

What happen to you? Why are you so blind? You are not even there yet, yet you have already been this blind? Who iss taking your heart? And who the hell managed to steal it when I have tried all my hardest to you and you are still not answering me, or looking at me the way I look at you?

Please. Just this once. Tell me you have the same feeling as this heart of mine are saying. I am begging you. I want to be yours. I want to be the guy that will be by your side when you are down and in pain. Or when you are smiling and high. I want to be there for you.

Please... You are the only girl, the only person, who is be able to change me to be a better guy. You help me in every way possible and there was no one who had been able to do that. With you, I feel safe and secure. I feel comfortable, I feel like my self. You have the impact of the person I was to become. Really, I do not want to miss a single thing you do, or even every breath that you take.

I do not care, if we are not going to be a lover, only the same, strong friendship. But please, tell me, before I get insane, and stupid, dumb, and crazy, and mad, please... Tell me that you do have those feelings for me too. I need to know. Yes or no. I do not care. I just want to know. Please...

I have love you from the start, ten years ago. When I am a toddler and dumb, until now that I am a guy and big. I still love you, I always do. And it is in every way possible. Whether lover, or friendship, or childhood mate, or a buddy. You must have think I am crazy, but just when I saw you with that guy, I knew I could not hold it anymore.

I love you. And please tell me you do too. For real. For once. In my ear. And see it in me.

Please...

A Separation Of A Fraternity

2010-06-27T07:05:00.001+08:00

Mia - 4th June 2010 -

We meet together on a special day. Being thankful for this  fraternity that we always wish it will be developing with holiness and  safety. Thanking everything that occurs inside our links, not regretting  every one bit of it. Even after all that we have been through. But now  all that occurred is a separation. All the allegations are against  ourselves. Being patience throughout the storyline. Knowing nothing is  permanent. We will still be gone.

I will send you greetings of  my memory. Our still freshly made memories. During the time I have  deepened my prayers, where I promised I will always remember you. Hoping  that this heart will be safe from the lost. I will be seeking for some  blessings, not caring where it comes from. Just searching for any, that  will be able to help practicing my stubborn patience. Of accepting what  have happened and what is coming. This separation. It hurts. The  blessings that I need. It comes so slowly.

"I wonder how have  people face the heartsick of a separation. From years to years. The  eldest, the true believers, the fighters. Separations keep coming even  when we did not ask for it. Those struggle tastes bitter-sweet, but  still continuing to struggle. May someone will give this friendship and  links such a blessing. A fraternity to hold on, a love that is called  true."

The explicit smiles on your lips. It gives me a memory of a  lifetime. Sending warmth inside my veins every time I recall our days  back. Never liquid, always solid. It is to say that our friendship is  true, and our love is real, even though we separate, you are never fail  to be there in my prayers. Your name, will be in my heart, plastered  with anything permanent. Forever. If it is not your body that is  standing beside me, I believe it is your spirit.

Oh dear, please strengthen this heart. This separation, it has been unbearable.
But there will always be the bitter-sweet struggle, letting it becoming sour, and salty.

A separation of a fraternity, only a sign that tell us we will be forever, later.
May someone bless us.

I'm more than a Bird...

2010-06-27T07:03:00.001+08:00

Mia - 30th May 2010 -

I'm more than a bird.

I  needn't to hold back. I didn't have to step down. I couldn't fail from  winning. I wouldn't lose by fighting.

All my life up until  now through those days and night that I breath in and out of my nose, I  realized there were more times of falling down rather than standing up. I  realized that I rise to fall again, that I was awake to sleep again and  that I was breathing to freeze again. I didn't count how many times it  had happened, but those tears in my eyes were starting to dry up now, my  voice began to get soundless, my heart beat even stronger, and my own  self had just grown fearless. These facts of life that made my colorless  iris opened up like the King of Eagle, seeking down through the core of  the Earth, to spot that ground of soils that was supposed to be the  place where I'd sleep after my heartbeat stopped. Balling up my fists as  when I saw that red, muddy, wet soils, imagining how it'd be to be  buried deep inside it, in the dark and cold, alone like one little dying  bird. Feeling all those anger, rage and exhaustion from falling down,  I'd fly my self to that soil, not wanting to die yet, but instead  kicking my own little feet at those soil to cover the unnecessary hole  angrily and making sure no one, not even the Queen of the Sea would be  able to dig it's teeth to open it up again. My own sweat would fall down  there, these red blood of mine will stay boiling inside of me until I  found the truth inside my self, to where I learn and study about my  life, where I wanted to be, when I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. If  life was not about planning, then nothing was to be planned. But I  wasn't one who'd stop and cry down on my own shoulders shouting and  regretting about failing. I would stand and be awaken, to rise and shine  on my own, not for anyone, but my own and live this life of mine.

Was it so wrong of me to be like this?

I  couldn't stand to fly, and I wasn't that naive. But it was these strong  desires inside me that kept me flowing, where I had to go and go on. I  wouldn't do suicide for I know I'd only regret it when I was buried deep  down there and wasn't able to do anything. Killing my self and getting  nil as an answer. Looking at a life of a man around me, with such  different perspectives, I decided to find the story and journey of my  own. No more weeping like a helpless baby, or crying like a loss of love  person. No more asking questions to why things had happened, it just  happened for a reason, and it wasn't about fining why. Instead I  realized, it was about the matter of changing my own self. It happened  for me to learn from my mistakes, and for me to pinpoint of a way to be  able to have a better personality, for me to search the little meaning  behind what happened and then found the hidden secret of life. It wasn't  about being weak anymore, stronger instead. And until the heart beat  had stopped beeping, never lose hope or being despair.

And just like I said :
I needn't to hold back. I didn't have to step down. I couldn't fail from winning. I wouldn't lose by fighting.

  I'm not crazy. I'm not that naive. I can't stand to fly. I don't want  to be locked up. I'm not yet free. But I'm just bound to find, the  better part of me. In this life, I'm going to find my dream, and find a  home of my own.  And seek these lost, pretty smiles and search for those  innocent, pretty faces. All that I'm going to say is that;

I'm more than a bird.

I grow Among the Pink

2010-06-27T07:02:00.004+08:00

Mia - 24th May 2010 -

-- I am just like the ordinary,
I don't stand out or try to be.

--I try to get involve in every way,
I pull my self back when I sway.

--I stop in the middle of the crowd,
I manage to smile like a fraud.

--I grow up so big until now,
I know my dignity isn't so low.

--I shake some hands and hug shoulders,
I kiss some cheeks and cry tears.

--I feel the love and feel insane,
I hold anger and hold the pain.

--I do my best to camouflage the green,
I then realize I grow among the pink.

--I am just like the ordinary,
I don't stand out or try to be.

She sings during the sunsets.

2010-06-27T07:02:00.002+08:00

Mia - 24th May 2010 -

She sings during the sunsets.

I heard her signal in the faraway distance.
- - Too far to be touched, yet felt so close.
I listened to her singing in an instant.
- - A voice of an angel, so loud yet so soft.

She spread her wings wide open; Conquering.
- - Making sure she controlled the world.
Her eyes changed the tone of colours; Persuading.
- - Not liking the green but instead the gold.

Squeaking against the strong lapping wind.
- - She flew across the golden sun.
The shadow of a beautiful bird then rewind.
- - As she sang like she was having fun.

So black

2010-06-27T07:00:00.004+08:00

Mia - 18th May 2010 -

On that particular day, everything and everyone was so black.

[ Sunday, May 17th 2010. ]

I opened my eyes again and there it was ;

_{There were black stones, black soils, black shirts, black skirts, black heels, black coats, black sunglasses, black cars, black umbrellas, black mascaras, black clouds, black skies, black roses, black leaves, black feelings and even black crows.}

_{I could still feel the wet tingling coldly on my cheeks. I clutched the front, silver ribbon on my knee-long, black dress and shifted my legs on the ground, exchanged places. There was someone with long, black coat and shiny, white hair talking before us, some kind of prayer with such a sorrow and sad voice. Wasn't sure if I was becoming deaf at that moment, because I couldn't hear any words he said, I just lazily stared at his moving, wrinkling hands.

At my right side was my parents, hugging each other, my mother looked too pale under her thin scarfs that covered her hair, and father was always the tough looking one, not a single tear was seen beneath his brown-tinted spectacles. Looking to my left was my long line of siblings. There were my two older brothers, standing tall, hands folded at their back, legs apart, just like scouting boys. My older sister was sobbing on the corner, her boyfriend loyally stayed beside her, holding onto her tightly, giving him what I would like to call the best support for a situation like this. And a pain strike the core of my heart so suddenly.

I shut my eyes again quickly, clutching the ribbon tight, biting my lips as the sour tears flowed past my mouth. I heard silences when I stood there shutting my eyes. And felt the crowds began to gather around to the tombstones right a few feet in front of me. I heard their whispers, and their movement as they threw the black and white flowers towards the grave. Trying as hard as I could, I failed to stop from bursting. My legs were hurting now with the black heels my mother asked me to wear for this special day. I shook my head, sincerely not wanting to be here in this desolated, painful, scary place.

And I took my choice as everyone began to greet everyone and telling their non-chalant condolences. I hated it, I never would like to hear those fake words of pity and sorrow. And I hate those people saying that they knew how it feels because for real they didn't and they wouldn't. I felt sick here. Like my throat were hurting from not screaming. I felt the cold wind from my back, blowing my hair to the front. I backed off for a little, still shutting my eyes.

"Mia?" I heard my sister calling me. I kept my eyes on the ground, and smirked. I knew they could imagine what I was feeling inside, if there was any feeling left at all. My siblings were now lining up in front of me, blocking my views from the grave and everyone else that I hated to see. I felt glad. Still smirking over their worried faces, I quickly stepped out of my black heels and took it from the ground to hand it over to my sister. I smiled to each of them before pivoting around to quickly ran out of the frightening place and out of those dead bodies. I ran and ran until my feet were numb and I felt it was hard to breath. I stopped, and collapsed on the ground. Tears kept flowing from my eyes and when I turned around to my back, I saw that I was far away from his tombstones and grave.

But as I opened my eyes again, I still saw them;}

_{There were black stones, black soils, black shirts, black skirts, black heels, black coats, black sunglasses, black cars, black umbrellas, black mascaras, black clouds, black skies, black roses, black leaves, black feelings and even black crows.}

[ Sunday, May 17th 2010. ]

On that particular day, everything and everyone was so black.

Numb.

2010-06-27T07:00:00.002+08:00

Mia - 17th May 2010 -

I stood in the middle of the green, empty meadow. The strong breeze blew my long hair back from covering my front face. I looked up to the high, blue sky that seemed darker in sorrow. There was water on the edge of my eyes, something that I couldn't taste. My small violin sprawled on the dry grasses beside me, untouched. My hands crumpled in fist on my side. The sweater I wore was too loose for me to clutch. There was nothing for me to hide my lost pride.

They  whispered in the wind.
They stared from the cloud.
I covered my  ears from the scream.
I shut my eyes from the glare.

_{Frightening as it might be, I couldn't help my self from opening my heart for it to be closed. I let the nature brought my feelings away, giving only my blood and me to hold onto. People kept saying that I would feel like the dead if I let my senses lost. Now that it happened, it did feels like that, like I was a fallen angel standing on invisible toes. My breathing stopped at the same time the lightning strike the ground leaving behind black memories. As sweet and tempting as it could be, the rains were as sharp as needles piercing on my skins. Something promised me that I left so many untold stories. And so I smiled between my living and my death, knowing this was the end.}

Now I got to fly so  high to my will,
I went this far to wait for this time,
You called  this a nightmare and a thrill,
But I could only feel nothing but  numb.

You're Fading Away...

2010-06-27T06:59:00.001+08:00

Mia - 15th May 2010 -

I can feel you fading away...

Days keep going on and on,
But  I have not left your side,
We never stop holding on,
Through this  life that we ride.

Never had you show me tears,
Nor did you  give me a sign,
Of how much pain and fears,
That you put in one  line.

But I can feel you fading away...

I can see it in  your eyes,
That you are thankful for everything,
I can see it in  your smiles,
That you never will regret anything.

I realized  that one day I will,
Miss your innocent face,
And hoping that  memories will,
Accompany you with traces.

Because I can feel  you fading away...

Ya Selfish Peeps.

2010-06-27T06:58:00.001+08:00

Mia - 12th May 2010 -

Ooh, hey there people of the damn rich,
how i wish ya trip over the ugly ditch,
ya face on the screen like dogs so tame,
feelin' so powerful when ya walk in fame,
smilin' like ya own the world eh, God?
smirkin' shit showin' off that money load?
how fake are ya doin' ya're responsibility,
ya don't even care a damn about us in pity.

honestly yeah..
we aint scare shit with your greetin' 'sup,
stop that shitty talk and get your coat off,
now ya get Shut The Fuck Up,
and ya go Get The Fuck Off.

ya know, we people got our dignity too man,
we're not bunch of cowards loser like ya! shame,
ya're stupid gold-digger droolin's over diamonds,
come 'ere and we'll give ya pisses like lemons,
with 'em shiny limousine and sparklin' mercedes,
oh you thought we're gonna get ooohh, imma impress,
just ignore us never show ya face again eh,
fuck 'em whore and get ya hands off us ey.

honestly yeah.. really!
we aint scare shit with your greetin' 'sup,
stop that shitty talk and get your coat off,
now ya get Shut The Fuck Up,
and ya go Get The Fuck Off.

'Till the time comes.

2010-06-27T06:57:00.001+08:00

Mia - 10th May 2010 -

Little one; 'Till the time comes, I'll stand by you forever... :)

Hey Mario... :)
It's been five and a half years since we met each other right? Remember when first father brought you to meet us at the orphanage, the way you looked so frightened, hiding behind mummy, and squeezing daddy's hand. You looked so cute, and you still are. With your reddish-brown hair, bright, chocolate eyes and fair skin you came from the U.K. bringing us some delightful, lovely British scent. You are one of my most favorite adopted little brother, I am so, so lucky to know you Mario... :)

You're always silent all the time, and it's always alright with me. The first time I knew that, I quickly tried to search in the internet how to learn sign language so I would have a special way to talk with you, and when I did learn how, six months later, we began to talk. We began to have our long, deep conversations together on the swing. There was time where you didn't want to talk, instead you just kept looking to my hands movement, wildly, while your eyes smiled as you drank your milk from the baby bottle. You looked so fragile... So innocent, Mario... :)

I remembered all your first times with me. First time we talk with sign language and you smiled in excitement because I understood what you were saying, and the first time I took you out on a small trip within the Orphanage's area, where you hop eagerly up and down and told me the Orphanage is like a heaven. There was also the first time we saw rainbow after the rain together, the first time I read a book for you near the window while the rain was pouring heavily outside, the first time you came into my bedroom and slept in my bed, the first time you ate my pasta, the first time you and me sat together on your bed watching over my laptop showing you deviantART and the first time you told me you've never seen such a colourful works of drawing and pictures. And you even told me something I've never thought of, "I really want to be like them. I want to draw and to to have camera to color with such colorful colors." Mario... Did you remember that?

There was time, I was broken heart, and like every other weekend, I kept on coming to visit all my siblings in the orphanage. I was a little down, a little too caught up with my stupid, lame problems, but the first glimpse of your innocent, sweet face has already made me smile widely. Where you took my hands and asked me to play my violin for you, or the keyboard, or just played the words quizzes with you. By then, I've forgotten about my silly days, and it put me to realization, where I don't even have a reason to be sad, I have you and your other brothers and sisters, I have our family, and you have us all, it's just more than enough to light my day up the first thing in the morning. Thank you so much Mario, for bringing me happiness... :)

I also remembered the first time I knew about your sickness from our parents Mario... They've kept it a secret and only told me about 2 and a half years ago, where I was built up, and you too, grown up already like a big, little boy, already getting taller only a little thinner than the others. They told me about it...one night, where we were talking about you and your siblings in our kitchen. I couldn't help it, dear, but I had to cry... I didn't want to but I did.. I couldn't help letting my tears flow even though I knew you wouldn't ever like that. It's just that.. I want you to know I feel your pain, even though it must be harder for you, so young, and so vulnerable, yet you've been hiding all your pain behind that mask of a beautiful, smiling face. All those years you've went through alone... Mario... I am so so sorry... :')

Now, you're lying on the hospital's bed, your hair's all shaved off, living only little patch for the doctor to be able to wired inside from your head a little easier. And your head's bandaged all over to the forehead. But then you're still smiling, your face still lit up whenever you see us visiting you. I feel like I want to cry and kneed down in front of you and hold your hand and just ask your sickness to exchange it's place to me.. Really.. but nothing like that nonsense would ever happen right, Mario? There you go, not crying, still strong feature that kept lighting my days and nights... And me, the healthy one, I cried like I was going to die..when you were the one who suffer. Oh Mario... they told me you don't have much more time.. I want to go with you.. it's going to be so lonely without you sweetheart..but, but... Mario.. :)

I knew you didn't want me to bear that kind of situation, I knew you always want me to keep going, even when you're gone. You told me that the other day, you said, "If I am an angel... Like you said, then I will have to fly one day, free like a bird. That sounds fun! But, what about you? You cannot fly and you cannot follow me. So you're going to keep going here and live here with our brothers and sisters. Okay?" And those smile you gave me... I didn't know if you know about your pain, but it seemed like you ignore it, and it seemed like you know you're going to leave me one day. But until now sweetie, until now, I'm always here.. always be by your side. I love you so much Mario... :')

So 'till the time comes... I will stand by you. Try not to cry, little one. I will be there holding your hands, every day of every hour of every minute of every second, I will always be close to your heart, close to your side. If you feel the pain, I will squeeze your hands tight, and kiss your cheeks and whispers I love you. If it's time for you to rest...I will be singing beautiful song that you always love to hear and pray that you will be flying free like a bird and free with no pain at all. You deserve no pain at all, Mario, only happiness. Smile for me now sweetheart.

'Till the time comes... I'll always be there for the rest of your life Mario.. :)
I love you, little one... :)

Dear Diary...

2010-06-27T06:56:00.001+08:00

Mia - 7th May 2010 -

Dear Diary,
I'm right here now sitting in front of my opened, glassy windows, my still-wide eyes are staring over the enchanting views outside as the wind blew my soft-coloured, green curtains lightly over my head, whilst my finger is gripping my favorite green inky pen and trying to write inside your body of whatever it is my working senses are feeling...

I see cottoned clouds are turning black and gloomy. Bright skies are falling down, tearing the world's ground apart. Separating the blues from the greens, I see the tall mountains over the waving oceans, the trees swaying roughly as the thunders and storms strike them. My eyes also see some beautiful flowers changing it's colours to yellow and then fall down limply to the Earth, and some wild animals in the forest running quickly with fear as if something is chasing them...

No wait, was it really happening before me, or was it just my eyes seeing all this darkness...?

Dear Diary, I haven't believe it yet but; Is it my time already?

I heard my mother's praying in her room, shutting her eyes tightly but those tears flow out nonstop. My father is on the sofa in the silent living room, hands covering his face like he is losing something over a fight, in shame and in regret. Then I heard my older sister next door, sobbing terribly loud over her muffled mouth, and rummaging around her bedroom, trying to take her mind off things. There's also my oldest brother, who's punching the walls in his own bedroom, kicking his bedside, throwing things around and fighting not to let any frustration get out in the public.

Dear Diary, are they afraid of it; Is it my time already?

I feel a little weak now, my friend. I'm already tucking my head on my arms safely now, still writing inside you of course. I let my senses worked still, even though they tell me they feel a little numb now, but of course they're strong. They just need some more time so I can write some more here... Am I right? Hey, I'm smiling now! Oh, these tears shows that I'm happy, I'm going to leave this beautiful world, but I'll be living in another type of world now, not too sure if it's going to be better or worst than Earth. But you know how tired I am, and I don't want to see my family like they are right now... Don't you agree with me?

Dear Diary, please answer me; Is it my time already?

I'm getting a little too tired now, dear diary. I just have another couple words to say. A poem for you to remember my friend.

Birds please tell people my painful yearning, my heart's aching in slow rhyming.
Winds please fly away all those sadness from me, it's just a short life to be.
Sun please give these happiness for them, they needs it better than I am.
Moon please take these scars high, in the dark, it's going to be my light.

Why is everyone crying? When I am always smiling?
Please wipe your tears away, I don't want to see sadness.

Dear God, it's all up to you now,
I'm obeying what you're wanting.
Dear God, I've finish my story now,
My dear Diary is keeping it for me.

Dear Diary... It's my time; I'm going now. I will miss you.

You Will Always Win.

2010-06-27T06:55:00.001+08:00

Miia - 7th May 2010 -

You are strong, and you will always win. No matter what happens...

_{I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and POTS (aka Postural Orthastatic Tachycardia Syndrome). CFS means that my body has trouble getting the rest that it needs, so I'm constantly tired (to the point of no movement). As for POTS, that is the part that I have trouble dealing with. Even the slightest movement can make the room spin in circles or set my heart to racing and sometimes I ponder...}

_{Is it going to stop?}

Hold on there my dear friend...
Here I am so take my hands...
Neither CFS nor POTS is stronger than you...
Because you're still standing and they see it too...

It will be hard, dear, but they know you are a strong person...

_{At night, when I'm staring up at my ceiling, praying for my heart to calm down...it is all that I can think about. When I get up in the morning, and still feel like I haven't slept for days...it is all I can think about. When sitting on my bed pondering, can I make it to the bathroom before I fall over...it is all I can think about.}

_{Life for me means taking it one hour or one minute at a time. There is no such thing as planning ahead to do something, because...}

_{I. Just. Don't. Know.}

Dear you are never, never alone at night...
If they try to bother you, you know my spirit is at your side...
Do you realize the sun is shining only for you in the morning...?
Because it wants to give you light and keep you smiling...

Life is never forever, dear, but it is your life, it is your time... You do it as you will...

_{When my friends are out living their lives, and I'm stuck inside all the time...it is all I can think about. When my brother talks about marching band, and I internally begin to cry because I wish I was there...it is all I can think about. When the doctor told me that this might not go away...it was all I could think about.}

_{I hope it goes away.}

Honey even if the doctor told you it won't go away...
I wish you'd keep breathing even if you weakly sway...
Your true friends, they might not show it, but inside they keep it...
A never-ending love so deep for you, only waiting for time to reveal it..

And God, also, hideously loved you more than us... He just loved you too much...

_{But let me assure you, I AM NOT GIVING UP.}

_{Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and POTS may have a hold of my life at the moment, but that won't last forever...I won't allow it. There are things in this life that I want to do, and I will not sit around because I "can't." I will get up (heart racing and all) and LIVE. MY. LIFE.}

_{Go to college.}
_{Get a job.}
_{Fall in Love.}
_{Have Children.}

_Live.

It's the best pleasure to know that you wont give up, never...
To know that you will live your life and be happy, forever...
For you need to know that you're an angel, deep inside...
And no evil nor demon may win, because they're trapped outside...

I will be one of the luckiest person to know you live dear, to smile at you when you smile at me...

_{God has blessed me beyond compare, even though sometimes all I can see is darkness. He has given me a Mom who refuses to stop fighting for me, who makes me breakfast because I can't and who holds me tightly when I'm crying. He has given me a Dad who refuses to stop teasing me (in a good way) just because I'm sick and makes me smile, just because he's being weird.}

_{God has blessed me with a brother, who has put up with my yelling, crying, and all around mood swings for the past four months and still tries to make me smile. God has blessed me with a church family, who prays for me like they breathe. :)}

_{So once again, I'll say it...I'm not giving up and I'm not backing down. With the help of God, I will fight this to the bone because...}

_{I am NOT my illness.}

Needless to say now, you are better than the luckiest...
God, He cares for you and gifted you with people and His lovers...
Those sickness' know they're already losing so bad, and panting...
You've known the deepest secret of life and they're just nothing...

Because you are strong, my dear... And you will always, always WIN...

I Love You. May We Meet One Day And I Can Hug You...

Hello Baby...

2010-06-27T06:54:00.001+08:00

Mia - 2nd May 2010 -

Mum! Look at him... Oh, aren't you so cute...?

Hello baby,
Little boy that hasn't come out yet,
The one that everyone is waiting for;
Look here,
Mummy is now smiling with cheeks so wet,
And daddy tells us he want to see you more.

Do you know how precious you are, my little one...?

Listen here baby,
When the time has arrive for you to see the world,
You'll feel so much warmth from these people around;
And remember this always,
We will hold you tight even when you grew old,
But right now we want to hear your laugh and frown.

Your crying and laughter will be our music now, sweetie...

I've lots of things for you baby,
I will hold your hands, and teach you how to talk,
Those first, unforgettable moments will be my lifetime memories;
I've also remind my self baby,
That I'll capture a beyond-words picture of your first smile and walk,
Then I'll put it in a frame for you to look at when you lost your old theories.

I also want to see the wonders in your eyes when you first see the sun, baby...

So feel our heart beat baby,
We're going to be with you from the second you were born,
We will be by your side when you fall, or when you rise;
And we promise you baby,
Your innocent, beautiful smile won't ever be torn,
And we'll make sure you grow with pleasure, lovely lives.

I can't wait for those sweet moment to come now, little brother...

Hello baby,
Are you as impatient as us now?
Are you smiling inside at the moment?
Did you feel our excitement now?
Did you laugh at our eagerness at the moment?

When you come out baby, mummy and daddy will be so lucky, and I will be so proud... for you, Baby...

Don't You Remember?

2010-06-27T06:53:00.001+08:00

Mia - 27th April 2010 -

Sighing...
I looked around the green park, studying silently from under the blooming tree, staring heavily over the high, blue skies on the horizon, with the beautiful birds singing along the noisy blowing breezes. Hugging my knees, feeling so cold inside out, I tucked my chin in, squinting my watery eyes tightly. My lips trembled hard with deepest fear, and bleeding truths. When I felt a warm wind tingles my ears with your softest touches, I heard a soft, melodious whispers of your soothing words, and saw a fading shadow beside me without wanting to; I felt your friendship presence so close to me... Eoin.

I remembered it... I remembered you...

Sniffing...
I tried to sit up, to lean on the tall tree trunks, just like how we used to calm our self during darker days. I bit my lower lip hard, just praying to stay strong, to try not to make any sound came out of me, because if it happened, it'd be loud, and I wouldn't be able to stop. Now that the sweet and bitter memories came back, I didn't know how to react with it. Whether to be happy with the unbelievable way you sat beside me, a little too far that I protested so that you made a face that made me laughed, my face lit up with so much shine, my eyes twinkled with smiles, and those moments where you just pulled me into your embraces, lightly, tightly, and rubs my back softly, telling me how much I meant to you, and how hard it was for you to find a friend like me. Or to be sad with the memories where you cried hardly on my shoulder, whispering to me all your dark, little secrets, and when you stared back at me, all I could only feel was what you felt inside, the one heart that I always wanted to share with. The sorrow, the happiness, your life... Eoin.

I missed it.... I missed you...

Sobbing...
I couldn't stop the tears to flow now, Eoin, I am sorry.
I couldn't help it. Didn't you feel it too, what I was feeling at the moment, at that particular second, the particular hours, the particular day? Did you forget it...? Did you just go and really leave me behind? What happened to your promises Eoin...? You told me to keep waiting, to be strong, to be independent. But, how could I Eoin? When you were the one who build me up and the one who broke me down? How? Looked at the green grass now; it turned yellow, deadly. Looked at the tall, blooming trees; it died, even if it was spring. Look at the blue, bright sky; it was dark with black clouds. Looked at those beautiful birds; it was hiding and praying in loneliness Eoin. It was lonely, just like me. Hiding from taking in a friendship again, a friendship just like yours. Just like what you gave to me.

You were the one who told me the meaning of Friendship.
But now I've lost it.
You crushed it down.
You were also the one who made it lost it's meaning.

I remembered it.... I missed it....

"Mia...it's 23rd April tomorrow... What shall we do?"
"What's so special about 23rd April, Eoin? What are you-"
"Silly. Don't you remember? It's our friendship day, Mia. My very best friend..."

I remembered Eoin.. I remembered.
I wanted to greet you, to tell you that I haven't forget, and I never would.
But where are you now?
Where...?

Shall I repeat something for you, dear Eoin...?

"Silly. Don't you remember? It's our friendship day, Eoin. My very, very best friend..."

True Meaning of 'Love'

2010-06-27T06:52:00.001+08:00

Mia - 19th April 2010 -

I love my father, I love my mother, I love my family. I love my adopted siblings. I love my friends, close and far. Everyone who has an impact in my life...

I am very thankful of what I have around me.

Let's stop and stare.
Let's think of something we never ever thought of before.

"LOVE" - it's not always about finding true love, about finding the right man, the right prince charming and the most beautiful princess, or the pleasure of having a partner, together alone in when the door's locked, when you stood over them kissing passionately, lying together on the bed or even the pain you'd feel when he/she is gone, the tears you pour out when you thought your true love had vanished.

Not because I haven't find my one true love, but to the fact that even if I did find one, those lists above there will still be my first priority.

"LOVE" - It's the true meaning of happiness. And vice-versa. Around you, surrounding you. Looked and realized. Rewind back your mind, warmth your heart again. See and think, listen and remember, what makes you happy around you? Real happy, like you felt your tears were about to fall down - but with happiness this time.

If it IS him/her, then you cherish that person, do the best, give them something special, something unforgettable during their breathing life, as if you'll never find another one person that could come close to them.

If it is your family, who turns around but still standing there when you fall down, then you hold them close around you, everywhere you go, in your heart, the deepest depths of it, until your last breath, and never ever take life for granted.

If it is your husband who had once turned you to become the happiest woman on Earth; then remember, even when you feel the problems arise around you between you and your developing marriages, make sure you realize it's not his fault but the third soulless person who bother your life, and let him know you really love him, you really, really do.

If it is your children, their laughs and enjoyable days in youth, let them have the best moment in their life; give affections, do something now so when they developed to be maturer, they'll sit alone in their bedroom, smiling alone at the sweet memories between you and themselves, and never do something you'll regret of in the future.

If it is your soul-mate, best friends, sisters and brothers who makes you twinkle your eyes with the glimpses of their presence; never forget what they've given you, what you've taken, what they've taken and what you've given. Appreciate them like diamonds or more than diamonds.

If it is the sun, the stars, the skies and the moon which makes you smile at your loneliness in the darkness; then keep them safely and make sure you never forget what they've done too until they fade away to the light, till you know how precious they were.

If it is those pieces of the nature, the light of the stars, the waves of the oceans, the birds on the skies that give your heart a peaceful and serene moment; please do something so these precious things won't be destroyed till dooms day, protected and undisturbed, so you'll able to get the benefit until you have to shut your eyes...vanish from this world... forever.

When these things make you happy, till then end, till your last beat of heart, till you tremble with cold and shook with fear, stop, for awhile, and realized, you'll feel what you supposed to feel when these thing came back into your restless mind, and it is, eventually, the real happiness, the true meaning of "LOVE".

There are two types of people...

2010-06-27T06:51:00.004+08:00

Mia - 16th April 2010 -

When I was five;
Small and rather stupid;

My father taught me something,
A principle in which I kept doing,
And which I never tried breaking,
Until it gave impact in my thinking.

He first told me;
Syllabus that I'd never learn anywhere;

Humans are all the same, together,
It doesn't matter what religion alter,
Or what the culture lead us to it's bearer,
We're still living with the same red blood, later.

Many people showed an acting;
As I began to grow mature and better;

That it's the illness and the sickness which effect,
The life's of many to fight and affect,
That it's also the status and positions which define,
Why people are rude to each other in line.

When I went for a trip to wander the world;
My eyes saw everything and my mind was opened;

People these days are too choosy and education-less,
They care too much about the difference in skins, races and religions,
When they don't think about the poor and the loveless,
They are too blind to see the inner beauty and fall for the fake fashions.

So one day I realized;
With a damn, late thought passing in my mind;

My father's principle was right all along,
And his words rhyme in my heart like a song,

'Son, remember this in the future, will you?'
'Remember what is it, father?'
'That there are only two types of people that differentiate us.'
'And what will that be?'
'There are good people. And the bad people. Only'

Today, I thought about him and looked up to the sun,
Tonight, I wished upon the stars so they'd tell him I've won.

2010-06-27T06:51:00.002+08:00

- Mia - 15th April 2010 -

Girls giggle as they see blossoming flowers,
The boys laugh cheerfully when they build towers,
Kids make their own sleepover party at night,
Adults planning for their barbecue meal with light.

School had went off a little,
Giving chances to the noisy students,
To have a relaxing week with their family,
and another week for some friendship trip.

She blushes hard as he took her hands,
While she bites her lower lip when he inches closer,
He whispers, "It's Spring, honey, would you be my wife?"
And she let out tears of joy, leaning in to kiss his full lips.

-----
"Babe! Look at that smiling sun, isn't it just beautiful!"
And those best friends hold their hands together as they looked up to the bright light.
-----
"Dude! C'mon, it's time for some soccer on that greeny grass, boy!"
So those lads hugged their shoulder happily as they walked towards the grassland.
-----
"Mummy! Let's go swimming, the beach is warm!"
The beautiful girl smiled up to her mother as she saw the peaceful crashing waves.
-----
"Dad! Why don't we go out to play baseball? It's the right season in!"
His father agreed with him eagerly and already took out his baseball cap.
-----

-----
"It's Spring, my dear. It's the Holy Spring with the Holy sun, flowers, bees, and greens."

"I know, dearest. So... what are you going to do?"

"That's an easy question, why don't we both go out and worship the sun while it's still showing itself on this first moment after winter?"

"Oh lush! IT'S HOLY SPRING!!!"
-----

The Lifeless Man...

2010-06-27T06:50:00.002+08:00

- Mia - 15th April 2010 -

He was once a newborn baby.

Developed with mother's loving soul,
Bathe with father's rich property;
It was all luxurious life,
Until he woke up as a big boy.

He was once a teenager.

Failing to obey his mother;
He put her in life full with regret,
Acting as if his father was a rival;
He changed him to be a heartless man.
Until he woke up as an adolescent.

He was an adult.

True love had found it's way on him;
He married his aggressive lover,
When he thought he had gave everything;
She left him broken into pieces, alone.
Until he woke up with wrinkles and white hair.

He was once an old man.

When he laid on his bed, expressionless;
He began to miss his loving mother and rich father,
As he let himself cried to sleep;
Only then he realized he knew how lifeless he was.
All this time, because he was the wrongdoer, himself.

Now, he's happy.
He's now drifting into the air, high.
Planning on his first list to do;
He'd ask forgiveness from his parents,
Proposing to find a true love once more,

And...
To promise his stupid, cowardice self to have a better life.
Not lifeless, like he used to be.

Suffocation...

2010-06-27T06:49:00.001+08:00

Suffocation abode in her suffering life.

If One day...

2010-06-27T06:48:00.004+08:00

Mia - 11th April 2010 -

I have promised to my own heart...

if one day...
i found the right man in life,
i'd give him everything that i have,
and a lot more so he'll be filled,
with love and affections.

if one day,
he came to me with a shiny and light smile,
i'd put a huge, long grin on him,
with touches and hugs so gentle and tight

so he'll knows, he can count on me.

if one day,
he approached me with a sigh and pout,
i'd give him a guilty and sincere emotions,
with my hands stroking his chest and face.

so he'll knows, he has me to share secrets.

if one day,
he greeted me with agony and madness,
i'd pull my ears and brighten my eyes for him,
with a sign on my face to tell him that i'm there.

so he'll knows, he can complains about whatever he wants.

if one day,
he'd walked towards myself with a painful and sad eyes,
i'd clutch my heart tightly for him to let him realizes,
that i have those things that he needs to be happy.

so he'll knows, that he owns me.

if one day...
he asks me a question that said,
'would you be mine?'
i'd take his hands and give my life,
and with happy tears fallin' from my eyes i'd say,
'take whatever you want in me.'

As if she was never there.

2010-06-27T06:48:00.002+08:00

Mia - 9th April 2010 -

She curled into a ball on one side of the empty bed. Feeling the chill creeping up her spine and the bitter cold biting through her skins. Her body was trembling with every breath she took.

The night was windy with strong waves. The rain outside was light as it accompanied the thunderstorms from the distance. So far away yet still so loud. Moonlight shone the lonely room from the black window.

She was on the verge of crying, silently. Tears were emerging from the corner of her beautiful, green eyes. Her hands curled up into a ball of fist as she clutched her bedsheets. The other hand of hers, shook badly as it covered her mouth.

The white, silky nightgown didn't cover the thin, small, vulnerable body. Thick blanket was the best rescue but it was damped there, untouched. The fan wasn't on, yet there was wind in the small, dark room.

She ignored her messy, long, black hair spread on the pillow. Her red, full lips started to shake as she bit hard on her tongue. Her heart was yearning, and it was all that she could think of.

The clouds were black and white with droplets. There was no creature outside there to be able to help the helpless, lonely lady. While the oceans waves kept crashing and the tall trees kept waving; the body and the heart of a beautiful lady in her lonely room kept breaking and breaking.

As she fear the moving, time....

She finally, slowly, began to shut her eyes.

Hot tears began to trickle down her eyes, crossing her small, pointy nose and wetting her plump, soft cheeks.

Her lips finally opened up with painful sobs.

Smooth and melodious voice of a mysterious lady began to be heard out into the eerie, exposed midnight.

She began to breath heavily. And held her heart in her own embracing hands, as there was no one to hold it for her. She slumped tighter into a ball, as she felt her heart getting more and more painful as seconds passed by.

The clock kept moving on, fast forward, and there was nothing she could do to make it even faster. She wanted to get out of the pain she was feeling, and just flew away into the sky now. Without even looking back to her useless, lonely, sinful life.

And she inhaled deeply. Trying to regain another calming breath.

Instead; she inhaled with pain inside her chest. Her lungs burnt.
She failed to breath easy. Her heart was stabbed with invisible knife.
Her lung was crushed with invisible hammer.
While her chest was broken into two.
That was what she felt now.
She had no more cure.
That was what she knew.
"No more cure... No more."
Her body trembled so hard as she realized the time was coming soon.
Sooner than she thought it'd be.

At last, she surrendered.
She stopped trying to breath easy.
She let her heart, lung and chest took control of the pain.
Her tears were flowing so fast.
Her sobs were loud and painful.
She wanted to go now.
She wanted to end it all.

But with a broken smile, she began to think back.
Just for a moment, she promised her self.
She looked back.... Rewinding what she went through in her life.
Her short life, so full with pain and sin.
The life of a lonely, helpless and sad girl.
A life with broken dreams.
A life with pity wishes.
Soul without a name, it seemed.
Just like a key... without a door.
Shameful. Pity. Guilty.
She felt so useless.
Thinking why the hell was she there in this cold Earth.
She cried loudly...
And made a very strong wish...
That wished she was never there.
Just never there...

And, as if miracle was agreeing with her...
Her wish was becoming true.
At last. The life of the poor girl had ended.
She stopped breathing. She stopped crying. She stopped sobbing.
Now she was a complete corpse.
And no one knew her in her life.
Nor in her death.
As if she was never there.

Never there...

So now, what?

2010-06-27T06:47:00.002+08:00

Mia - 6th April 2010 -

Shattered.

The walls that I built around me for so long with hands so strong were now tumbling down. Shattered and broken. It was so hard, strong and old. Probably too old that when a finger poked it, the walls cracked and at last fell down. One by one, slowly. But it was too fast for me. Too fast for me that I wasn't able to pick them all up and build another even stronger walls. Now I was exposed. With no covers, no protection and no more rejection.

Broken.

I was too naive back then. So when I studied about life some more, I realized I needed rules within me. Inside me, for my own future. And I made them. Those strict, unknown rules. Written with blood inside my body, written with heart that goes with the remedy, and the mind that fractured with frequencies. It has been a long time too since I obeyed my own strict rules, my only own and no one else. I didn't let anyone even my own mind interjected with it. But now... it had been breaking. Broken. The rules were no longer rules. Lines striking through it, erasing. My walls were tumbling down, and my rules were broken. What now?

Feeling.

Since my two protection for future had been crushing and deleted. I now have nowhere to go. No more looking down because of my rules, no more saying no because of my walls. So now what? I had been keeping in track with everyone around me. Nothing special happened. But that person came into my life so suddenly. And look what happened. No more walls, no more rules. A person who dared to step into my walls and stabbed my lame rules. Yes, it was supposed to be strict, but now it's lame. Now I had not reasons to avoid, no words could escape my mouth. That person, is, now inside me, and becoming my walls. Give me back my feelings. Yes, the feelings that I adored in the past, but had been afraid of in the presents, and now desired for it in the future. The feelings.

My walls are tumbling down. My rules are broken. My feelings are back.
So now, will you tell what this meant?

Smile...

2010-06-27T06:46:00.001+08:00

Mia - 6th April 2010 -

smile...

it's the easiest thing to do,
the simplest thing to create,
the best thing to give.

though you're having a bad day,
you smile for a better tomorrow.

when you're heart is breaking,
you smile with every shattered pieces.

while you're out in the night alone,
you smile to every strangers passing by.

the silence that accompany you during your sleep,
you smile even when no one is around.

those painful facts that strike your mind,
you smile at the sweet and bitter memories.

every fake dramas that you went through,
you smile as you survived in acting it.

even your eyes are wet with hot tears,
you smile in the middle of your sobs.

and if it's cold outside,
you show the world the warmth of your smile.

more than anything...
more than anything...

smile...
even if your world is tumbling down.
smile...
even if your life is crushing down.

Losing Senses.

2010-06-27T06:45:00.004+08:00

Mia - 3RD April 2010 -

Losing senses...

The feeling of drifting in the misty air,
Losing,
The feeling of showering in the cold rain,
Crying,
The feeling of drinking the ocean's water,
Trembling,
The feeling of eating the blowing wind,
Gulping.

Losing senses...

Flying...
When you open your arms wide on the field.
Singing...
When you whisper secret words to the forest.
Clutching...
When you moved around the empty, barren road.
Panting...
When you realized you don't know what to do.

Losing senses...

Of pulling your hair away from your head,
Feeling,
Of tearing your heart away from your soul,
Emptying,
Of screaming your voice on top of your lung,
Distracting,
Of slapping your face hard with your trembling hands,
Bleeding.

Losing senses...

Just because of one single person,
Yet only with one little problem,
Striking when misunderstanding happen,
But now you're losing senses..

Losing senses...

Even, after doing all those things,
You can't feel what your heart supposed to feel.
It was... Empty.
It had... Lost it senses.

It's even scarier than scarier.
It's fear than ever.
Because you chose to feel the most painful pain,
Than losing the importance of your senses.

You'll never gonna be alone.

2010-06-27T06:45:00.002+08:00

Mia - 28th March 2010 -

time..
is moving by,
so much faster than I,
too fast that I can't try,
to keep in track with you.

and I...
i regret for not spending every moment with you,
and I...
i start to wonder why I have kept it all and not sharing it with you.

so now...
i have something to tell you,
if I haven't yet..
had to let you know now...
before everything is too late..

you'll never going to be alone,
even though we are oceans apart,
and there are miles of stones to go through,
you know we'll holding on...
we will always hold on..

and now..
now if I should hear you cry from the phone,
i would fly above the world for you.

and now...
now if I should feel your deepest fear,
i would wrap it all away from you.

keep holding on dear...
you'll never going to be alone..
still holding on..

time,
is moving by,
so much faster than I,
than I could ever imagine it'll be.

So it flows at last...

2010-06-27T06:44:00.001+08:00

Mia - 28th March 2010 -

so it flows at last,
uncontrollable and fast...
like rivers... like waterfalls..

it drops just like that,
within a second, with rush...
no one catches it, no one cares..

silvery and warm,
glittering under the sun..
invisible under the moon light...

with broken hearts,
and painful breathing,
nothing is bright.. it's all just dark...

memories keep coming back,
so sweet and unforgettable,
but as the truth struck, bitterness conquered...

so it flows at last,
uncontrollable and fast...
like rivers... like waterfalls...

Your Silent Whispers.

2010-06-27T06:43:00.001+08:00

Mia - 28th March 2010 -

i know what i'm doing,
though...
maybe i don't...

it's just the past that crawls on my back,
or...
was it the memories about to explode in my chest?

as i lay there in my bed,
in the quietest night ever,
i hear you...
your silent whispers.

as it passes by,
you make no sound...
but i can hear you in the wind...
and i can see,
this'll never ends....

the words, every of them,
pierced right into me,
and make a great hole in my heart.

because you're gone,
and won't ever come back...

but,
your silent whispers,
it'll never ends.

Just Cry it Out...

2010-06-27T06:42:00.004+08:00

Mia - 28th March 2010 -

My dear...

Trust me,
When the love is gone,
And happiness has vanished,
Don't scream it inside...

Switch off the light,
Lay there in the dark,
Clutch your deep feeling inside,
And cry your heart out.

Just cry it out..
Cry it out...

We have Each other...

2010-06-27T06:42:00.002+08:00

Mia - 27th March 2010-

So..
Maybe we 'are' the orphans.
You probably look down on us,
But hey....
That don't scare us so much.

You see,
Life is fair,
And it's not round, but square.

We've been through great losses,
Though we tried tearing our heart apart,
We are still here after all,
In the world.

You can see us standing tall...
Right?

But let us point some great facts for you,
This, after all, is true.

We orphans live together under one roof,
And we share foods, blankets, mothers,
Even though the pains are still there,
Like haunting... Or scaring..
But we have each other.

Remember this sentence.

We have each other.

Fortunately,
Even though we lost our beloved parents,
We are all now one family...
Believe it or not,
We now know the meaning of live, love, laugh.

And we believe there are only few of us,
And it includes you,
Who realized about this real-life tragedy.

Be grateful, never take life for granted.

We are happier than you are,
Why?
Easy, my dear,
We now know how to hold hands,
How to hang on to each other,
How to lend a shoulder for someone...

Do you know what it all means?
No.
Because you won't ever learn.

Not like us...
Not like us...
Who now knew the meaning of live, love, and laugh.

I was fooled...

2010-06-27T06:41:00.001+08:00

Mia - 26th March 2010 -

He came up to meet me,
Telling me he's sorry,
Saying how lovely I am.

He wants to find me,
To tell me he needs me,
Telling me he's setting me apart.

He's desperate to know my secrets,
And asking me his questions,
Then lying around,
Pulling me to go back to the start.

Why...
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.

He came and went,
Haunting me in nightmares,
Made me believe his lies,
And it turned out that I was fooled.

Why...
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.

When I woke up wet-streaked face,
I found my self was fooled...

Only the Orphans.

2010-06-27T06:40:00.001+08:00

Mia, 25th March 2010 - 5:44 A.M.

What are we in this world?
Why are we here feeling lost?
When are we going to accept hands?
Where will we be standing in the future?

We are on history which gets abandoned,
Maybe we are too young to get well-known,
But world is supposed to be fair and square,
Then how come now we seek in despair?

Our lives were one with the thin rope,
Hanging down loosely with the sky as the limit,
Though we still held it tight with huge hope,
Didn't you think we needed you to thicken it?

Maybe we still pulled a broken smile for you,
Maybe we kept laughing at your funny jokes,
But our heart wondered about our feelings too,
Why didn't someone come and gave even one stroke?

Nightmare comes every now and then to scare us,
The pasts were haunting like the red, painful bruises,
Where we pray every night and wish it to pass,
The images of losing our loved ones always make us cry.

Oh dear,
Is it true that we are forgotten?
See, now we stand alone and frightened,
Because no one is able to answer these questions,
And we are left out as everyone has gone.

For we are only the orphans.

Sunset...

2010-06-27T06:39:00.001+08:00

Mia -24th March 2010 - 08:30 P.M.

Sitting on my window sill, looking out,
My heart sings calmly with a rhyming song,
Tracing the cloud patterns with a pout,
Waiting for the sun to set along.

Amazed by the red sky and windy May,
Palm and plum trees waving as the birds are whistling,
Silence and stillness arrived as they sway,
My mind working hard while the forehead is wrinkling.

Hands moved away to touch the quiet heart,
Eyes blinked blindly as the sun shone in the distance,
Lips formed a sincere smile when the dark started,
Faces altered with awe as the view changed it's appearance.

In a sudden the event of the day fell to one piece,
Even the little cloud produced rain to make the earth wet,
Everything was organized and the world was in peace,
Now that the night came and the sun had set.

Her Heart In Sorrow.

2010-06-27T06:38:00.001+08:00

Mia - 24th March 2010 - 12:46 A.M -

The night is beautiful with starry skies,
Though it is cold and the cloud cries,
Something in the lonely forest is alive,
For the trees and the leaves wave with smiles.

She loves to hide and move in the shadows,
Wishes to do nothing but play the piano on the meadows,
But she walks with arms wide open and sits there on the see-saw,
Because she knew no one saw her with her heart in sorrow.

As the dawn comes and the hot sun shines,
The birds sing and the doves are free,
As the flowers wake up and the grasses stand in line,
The day is bright and it holds everyone in creed.

She hates to stand there in the middle of the crowd.
Daydreaming like she is a statue and not moving,
But she keeps a smile that is a fraud,
So no one knows her heart is painfully yearning.

When the person is gone...

2010-06-27T06:37:00.001+08:00

Mia - 23rd March 2010 - 8:41 P.M.

It's like the famous quote,
"You only realize you found it,
Once you lost it already."

Yesterday,
He approached and smile warmly at you,
You spoke for hours but still couldn't get enough,
He shared beautiful stories of what he went through,
And you told him: 'I feel it too, please be tough'.

Today,
He greeted you with warmth and affection,
You bought him presents just because he was there,
He held you tight and told you about life and realizations,
You were stunned in silence and just stared.

Tomorrow,
You will clutch him firmly and shake with fears,
He will embrace you to assure that nothing will happen,
Your heart will tell you he is lying so there will be tears,
He will shake his head and whisper, 'I will be gone by dawn'.

And when the person is gone,
You couldn't even cry no more,
Days and nights you felt so alone,
And you knew nothing else mattered anymore.

Friendship and Relationship.

2010-06-27T06:36:00.002+08:00

Mia - 22nd March 2010 : 16:09 P.M.

They said...
Friends forever
But they knew... nothing lasts forever.

They whispered...
I love you so much
But they knew... love can hurt so much.

When You Have A Bad Day...

2010-06-27T06:35:00.002+08:00

Mia - 19th March 2010 : 01:18 A.M.

When you have a bad day...

You tossed around the bed,
Thrown the pillows ahead,
Kick the blanket away,
Thinking about the day.

It was a bad day...

You went out to find a friend,
Your heart demand with pain,
When you stood there in the rain,
And realized you cry in vain.

Bad day with lonely night...

The morning started with uncontrollable agony,
Afternoon join it with nonsense dreamy,
The evening then came with the silents affectionately,
So the night began with starry skies and solitary.

Bad day and those tears...

You clutched your heart to be strong,
Find some music with a heartfelt song,
The wing blew you cold and long,
Hence you find your face wet with tears so wrong.

And so, it was a bad day...

A bad day, a bad day...
A sleepless night in a day,
A heart broken in pain for a day,
A moving clock with solitary in a day,
A face so wet with tears for a day.

And after all... It was a bad day.

Those Amazing Little Things.

2010-06-27T06:32:00.002+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia - 19th March 2010 : 12.46 A.M.

Do you know the fact,
That there are amazing little things,
In the world you live in,
That could either spiritually or physically,
Make you happy?

If not...
Then you probably have not go through,
A life tangled harshly in between,
The hot, red and angry fire,
And,
The cold, blue and calming water.

These things are small,
But higher than love itself.
These things are small,
But better than life itself.

It's like...
When you go out in a new unfamiliar place,
A stranger passes by you with a smile,
A smile so warm, warmer than the sunshine.

It's like...
How a girl felt left out with low self-esteem and shyness,
Received a bud of flower from her soul-mate,
Only a bud, but it seemed to her it was a blooming, bright flower.

It's like...
Where a man had his long day with sweats and hard work,
A long ride home with sweats and sore muscles,
But brightened up only with a small passionate kiss from his wife.

It's like...
When a mother sigh heavily with exhaustion,
Trying her best to do he responsibilities as a mother,
But still sat on the sofa at night just to watch her kids playing.

It's like...
Students who complaint rapidly about their unfinished school works,
And the long hours in classes with different syllabus and teachers,
Then again still arrived there just to share laughter with their friends.

It's like...
Babies who wailed loudly, crying to be fed,
Wanting to be fetch eagerly with their milks,
Then squeals with joys as they found their precious little toys.

It's like...
Going out late at night, only to find a suitable place,
After a stressing day with those various little problems,
To find out that the northern, city lights are calming.

And it's like...
Just wanting to step out of the crowded and noisy city,
into an open, grassy field with windy days and singing birds,
To find some peace and deep thoughts, to search the meaning of life.

...With those amazing little things.

And if yes...
If you knew these true facts are happening,
Then you probably had answered little meaning of life,
Where you had been there in hell of nightmares,
And forgot the reality of heaven of love,
But was still able to be strong and standing.

Because of these little things that you accepted,
From everyone around no matter how far or close they are,
Who gave you the meaning of lights, colours and rains,
Accompanying you to learn the great sun, stars, skies and the moon.

With the amazing little things,
Only.

We Are The World.

2010-06-27T06:30:00.002+08:00

Written by : Mia, 14th March © 2010.

_{A tear slid down my cheek.}
_{A silvery and warm water.}
_{Like a rain with it's drops.}
_{And slipped down the dry earth.}

_{The world had now changed with every season and every year, only to be filled with disasters and agony. Madness and sadness have been conquering. And people have kept asking by then; "Where are the happiness and the love that was promised?"}

_{Where? Where had it all gone?}
_{Or had it never been given?}
_{And we were all living in life full with lies?}

_{Where did we go wrong?}
_{Where was the help that we need when we shed our tears? When our face were wet with glittering water and sparkly diamonds? Why were there no fingers erasing it? Why hadn't someone lend us a hand when we all fall down? And when we sobbed with pain and hurt seeing our land was destroyed because of nature or human, where was the comfort we were supposed to have?}

_{Why? Why had this happened?}
_{Where was the warm and safe embraces you said you'll give?}
_{Or were you just trying to make us calm?}
_{While our heart broke into thousands of tiny little pieces?}

_{Why then?}
_{What happened to our friends who were starving and lived under the blazing hot of sun and the wetness of the precipitation? Those who sat under the tree and slept on the wet, muddy grass every night with the cold creeping their skins. Or our little future, who lost their parents when they still needed them?}

_{When will this all ended then?}
_{When will we feel the freedom of our right?}
_{Or was it again, just the speech you spoke in the public?}
_{And then laughed behind our back when you sat in your private place?}

_{When will we feel it?}
_{When will we feel the love of relatives in one nation? When will we be a bigger family inside our hearts? When will we hold our hands together to survive with each other? When will there be no wars but love? When will we created such a massive united heart and tell the world we all could do it just by staying true together? When will we feel that love? The comfort? The promised? When will we feel that we belong together? To be by their side...?}

_When...?

_{A tear - with more like a waterfall slid down my face.}
_{A silvery, glittering and hot rushing water.}
_{Like a rainfall with the heavy drops.}
_{And flows down the drought earth.}

_{But I could hear them singing...}
_{I could hear them crying...}
_{They were shouting and screaming...}
_{Their hearts were breaking and crushing...}

_{We are the world, we are the children}
_{we are the ones who make a brighter day}
_{so let's start giving...}

Oh Diana...

2010-06-27T06:20:00.002+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia - 13th March © 2010

December 2009.

"Lewis... Will you please just tell me where are we heading now?"

It was probably her shaky voice or the fact that she was without realizing clutching his hand tightly that made Lewis chuckled. But he kept his hand firmly to hold her balance and made sure the black clothes covering her eyes was not loosened.

"If I tell you now, it wouldn't be a surprise. You do know that lame rule, don't you?" He chuckled again, and carefully caught her when she tripped over a twig. She bit her red, full lips and shook her head.

"You're so unbelievable at times," she sighed.

He resist the urged to kiss her soft, plum cheek and said, "Most of the time, you mean?"

She nodded vigorously and the winds caught her hair and it blew up high to the side. She clicked her tongue and Lewis could see that she was trying hard not to frown. But her forehead had shown hundred lines of thinking.

Even then, her face was as smooth as the first morning light. It hurt him if he couldn't see her everyday.

"We're close," he whispered. She swallowed hard.

Lewis was stunned by the silence that followed them at that particular moment. He was taking her in the middle of a beautiful, green forest with evergreen leaves, and hundred different types of flowers blooming on the ground. It was almost misty, but the sun was out, and they both could smell the various scents from the buds. There was only the sounds of the wind blowing the ground, and the birds swiftly fly by with their little whistles. As if the forests knew what he wanted, as if the animals understood what he was feeling.

He smiled as his feet stepped into a clearing and helped her to jump over the small muddy ground. But unfortunately, she tripped over something, and as Lewis tried his best not to let her fall down, he failed to maintain his balance and eventually fall on his back to the grassy land.

And together, they both fall down to earth, with Lewis arms tightly on her waist and her hands clutching tightly onto his shirt's collar, rolling to one side of the hill.

It was, for Lewis, a miracle.

It was, for her, a fright.

But without mentioning, even the silent forest, the strong breeze and the flying birds knew that both of them loved the fact that they were as close as two person could be.

And not wanting to let go. Inseparable.

"Lewis!" She squealed as they both landed with a thud on the very low side of the hill. They were both out of breath, and Lewis was smiling with his eyes closed as she hold on to her who lay on top of him.

Without waiting anymore, she let go of the black cloths covering her eyes and squinted as the blazing light of the sun caught her eyes. And she gasped as she saw Lewis under her, not moving, not breathing. She was worried sick.

"Lewis? Lewis?! Lewis, wake up!" She began to shake his face and tried everything so that he'd breath again, but Lewis smile wasn't fading, though he wasn't breathing.

"I love you."

Lewis whispered in the still of the silence as she breath in and he breath out.

She froze with those words and found her world rocked on around her with him in the center.

He opened his eyes.

She shed a tear.

"Lewis?"

"I love you." He repeated. "I have always love you though, but you know, I have to make it official..." He smiled.

She froze for a second but slapped his chest playfully after awhile, "You! You should have just said it earlier!" She pouted while Lewis's lips created an O as he was shocked with what she just said.

And as if she just realized it too, she blushed so hard that she hid her face on Lewis's shirt.

But Lewis wasn't about to drop it off.

"Did you say something just now, honey?"

She looked up, and bit her lips.

"You do know I did. Again, you're so unbelievable!" She slap him again playfully. But this time, Lewis was laughing so hard until he couldn't help it and rolled around to exchange place. He was now on top of her, and she looked so cute with her eyes up on him.

"Suppose we just have to be honest here?" He smiled, and lightly kissed the tip of her nose. She pouted and blushed. But Lewis was the most happiest guy ever found on earth when he felt her hands brushing the side of his body and landed behind her neck. She caressed it, as smooth as her face was, and put a little smile.

"Lewis... I love you too. And I have been in love with you, long before you knew me, long before you saw me; because I've loved you first, the day I first spoke to you, it's getting stronger.. until now." She shed a tear again, and Lewis was too stunned to even erase it away like she always did it to him when he was down.

All he could do was shed a tear too.

And said, "Oh, Diana..."

* * *

June 2009.

Lewis slammed his bag down on his table and bounced carelessly to his chair. His fairly handsome face was red and hot from the cold outside, and his thick, reddish-brown hair wasn't as smart as it usually was. Everyone in the class knew that it wasn't the right time to bother to ask him what happen, because without a logical reason at all, he could explode at them in a split second.

But there was only one person who knew him better than most. Even his parents didn't know him that well, and Lewis had to admit that he hadn't met anyone like her; this girl that knew him by heart. It was even more amazing when he realized he hadn't known her for long, but already Lewis felt like she was his. And he didn't really feel the urge to share her with anyone.

With the realization creeping into his mind, and the frustration that kept getting stronger by second that passed, he began to look around the class to search for his guardian angel. His head moved around the classroom, his thick hair hang loosely on his forehead, tangled with the corner of his eyes.

And when he couldn't find his favorite person in the world, his frustration was just getting stronger.

He stood up and asked one of his classmate, "Have you seen-"

But the girl quickly answered him, "She's outside, if I wasn't mistaken. With her friends, a guy." The girl shrugged carelessly, and as if guessed, Lewis dash out of the class quickly, taking his bag with him and almost ran out of the school in a split second until he reach the park.

His eyes went everywhere, crazily uncontrolled. The heart that always bloomed whenever he heard her name was now in panic and sadness.

A guy? Which guy is daring to take my angel? I'm not willing to share her, didn't I make it quite clear already?

His madness was uncontrollable by the time he saw a girl and a boy from the back. The girl had this blond, curly hair and touched to the waist, and her body was almost slim. He thought it was her, but when he got to them, it was a different guy.

"Shit." He cursed and it was when he saw a shining girl, as if with halo, sitting by near the pond and was smiling to her self as she fed the fishes. She was wearing a beautiful, green dress and a simple white ribbon on her hair, and she was unmistakably the most gorgeous girl this town had ever had.

Lewis was impatient; he ran to get her.

"Who's the guy?" He wasn't rough with her, he wouldn't be able to. She was flabbergasted, and was clutching her heart so tight when she stood up to face him.

She sigh, "Which guy?"

"The girls in the class told me you got a guy with you," he almost stabbed his own heart. She shook her head and smoothed her dress.

"And you believe them?"

"What...?"

"Didn't I tell you not to believe anyone just like that? Or were you not listening to me?"

"Do you mean...?" He was out of breath. She made a little laugh and led him to a nearest bench under a blossoming tree.

"What guy? You know I have no guy..." She smiled. And it took his breath away even more.

"So they were lying, weren't they?!" He was now mad, to the girls in his class. He was about to stand and get them back, but her hands was faster; she caught him and let him sat back.

"And didn't I tell you to be more easy with things? Really, were you listening to me? Or are you going to break my heart, Lewis Littlejohn?" She was joking, of course, but he couldn't help it, and held her hands tightly. She was so irresistible and he was losing it.

In the past, he had been frustrated like he did just now, but he was worst by then. He slammed everything he saw, and exploded at everyone. He was in rage and usually out of control.

But now...
Now, he had her to hang on. Lewis had his own guardian that taught him how to change himself to be a better person.

He hadn't need to be in rage anymore; all he need to do was to hold on her.
And without debating anymore, he wrapped his arms around her and hug her to his chest tightly.

"I need you..."

"Well," she replied his hug, "you do know I'm always here."

And Lewis whispered, "Oh Diana..."

* * *

January 2009.

Lewis was a handsome guy, fairly with his thick, reddish-brown hair, and with a body like a star. He had all the appearance that every girl would crave for, but he had not been drown to any of them. Unfortunately, he came from a sad background, a broken family, a divorce parents, a killer brother, a drug-dealer's sister and was now living in a foster home where he was being bullied and pointed guilty by everyone. It was like living in a hell.

But hell was better.

Lewis Littlejohn had no point or focus in life. He was almost like a loner walking on the street, he was like the most quiet person in the market, he never smiled to anyone and not even thinking about greeting someone. Nothing matter to him, and he wasn't about to brag or sobbed about it. It had no meaning for him.

Life was fake.

One day, he went back to the foster a little late; he had went to the library town for some research for his college work. His mood was all the better since he succeed in finishing his little project for the English Literature. But he didn't think that coming back to the hell was ruining everything.

"Why are you home so late, Lewis?!" His foster mother shouted even before he could slam his butt down the sofa to rest from the long walk.

"I went to town..." He replied lazily.

"Hah. What an easy answer boy, what an easy answer. I thought I've told you many times ago, that you're not allowed to make your own rules in the fucking house. But why did you come and go on your own just like you own this shit?!" It was her stinging, ugly voice that caught his head aching. And he tried not to argue at first but kept it low.

"I was researching, that's why I'm late," he sigh.

"Oh yeah? You really fuckin' think that I'd believe, huh? Stupid boy, you got no brain at all, you hear me? No brain at all! What's with the research-"

"SHUT UP!!!" Lewis was unable to stop himself anymore. He stood up and threw his hand in the air. His face was red with agony. It was time for him to defend himself.

"You-" His foster mother was about to start, but he didn't give her a split chance.

"And you know what? I don't fucking care about the rules you made in this house. All the stupid, lame rules you made! And this ain't even a house for fuck sake, it's a bloody hell. Even hell was fucking better. You all are just motherfucking liar and heartless. It was such a wrong decision of me to move here, to think that I'd be in a house with different other brothers and sisters together to share something I thought I'd get, but guess what? I got fucking nothing. I got bullshit, and I got this! Fuck you all!"

And Lewis left the hell, slamming the door loudly behind him. With his unruly hair, and his wet shirts, he was out again in the cold night. He was lonely, he had never felt as lonely as he was now. He had seen his others friends inside the foster, gathering behind their foster mother as he shouted everything out. He saw their disgusted and surprised faces, but he couldn't care less. He was not getting it all away. He was tired of it.

He was tired...

"Hey... You do know it's not good to be out in the cold without any jacket."

It was only when he was about to sit on the side of the road when the beautiful, sing-song voice touched his sensitive ears. He usually exploded already whenever someone started to talk to him when he's not in mood, but this time, all the voice and the words were too heartfelt for him to shout. He looked up and searched around before finding an angel on his right, handing him a scarf.

At least he thought she was an angel...

And then he realized she was pouting, "Aren't you going to accept my offer?" She was so soft, and so beautiful. Everything about her that he could see had already melt all his agony away. He wasn't shaking anymore, he wasn't breathing hard anymore. He was alright, and most importantly, he was in a calm and peaceful state. His mind was clear.

"Thank you," he managed to crack and about to take the scarf, but she pulled her hands away.

"Let me," she smiled and before he could avoid it, she was sitting beside him and put the scarf around his shoulder neatly. Lewis didn't want to think about it, but he could feel her calm breathing on his cheeks as she lean in, and her soft skins on his neck as she moved around.

"You...?" He was now all confused. And she took a deep breath and smile at him.

"I just walked around and saw you... Are you alright?" Lewis almost fainted; it was as if she knew he wasn't.

"Yeah, I'm cool..."

"You can be open to me Lewis.. I'm all here when you need someone to talk to."

"But.."

She stopped him immediately and pulled her inside her soft and warm embrace.

"I know you needed someone.. I just want to help."

Lewis was stunned. And his heart was melting quickly. He was warm now. All safe.

"You're... an angel." He said breathlessly. And he pulled her tighter, closer to him. Lewis was sure she was smiling.

"No. I'm not. I'm Diana..."

Diana... My Diana...

Lewis put his head on her shoulder before she stroke his hair.

"I need a help... A help like yours..." He said weakly.

"I know, but can you see I'm here? I'm listening to you Lewis... I'm listening to you.."

"Oh Diana..." Was all that Lewis could say.

2010-06-27T06:18:00.000+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia - Friday, 5th March 2010.

"As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts, oh the warmth on your eyes swept me into your arms... Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night? For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt."

The soft, enchanting voice was so clear and closed to his sensitive ears. It was like a spell that flew off invisibly in the air during this time of winter. The snowflakes were everywhere, blazes had just started, and the wind blew in so strongly. But for Dylan, the voice of Sierra was the coldest and loudest thing he could hear, and without him wanting to, he was beginning to fall for the spell. The enchanting, irresistible singing voice of an angel.

Not to mention the meaning behind every special, little words she just sang out. The lyrics that she mentioned she had fallen in love with, which she stated as the best one ever released in the world at the moment. She pronounced every each of them with such great softness, even the flow of the waterfall weren't able to detect her. Her lips formed with every tuned she made, every little pitch she put. It was amazing to see even her face stayed as calm as the serene, frozen water. The angelic smiles that played on her full, red lips, connected to her naturally green, as green as the forest eyes and every pretty, stepping movement she made on the noiseless puddle of snow below.

As if there was a spotlight shining on her, she'd be a fairy coming out of a five year old girl book, with her enchanting voices, beautifully, less compared figure and the pretty step dancing she did. She was an angel, he wanted to believe.

"Stop singing, Sierra..." He groaned softly. His face straight ahead, didn't have the intention to turn to see her vulnerable, young, sweet face making a pout. Sierra didn't seem to listen to her partner, instead continued her humming and turning around to make a dancing circle with her winter coat.

Dylan swallowed, still feeling it was impossible to resist his own, true desire now. But he tried, he had to. Sierra smiled, as if understanding him and made a little laugh that sounded like a beautiful sonnet.

"Am I driving you crazy, Dylan?" Eventually ignoring his stiffness, she hoped and landed beside him. Her soft hands wrapping Dylan's and he had the urge to sweep her off of the snow ground into his warm hands.

"A lot." He said, breathing uneasy. Even if he had all the desires building up inside him, Dylan didn't show an attempt to move his arms away. He stayed there where he was, and both the young couple kept walking through the cold, winter night. As they usually did.

It was Sierra's whole idea and desire. She wanted to have a night walk during winter and autumn with the one she loved. Only a night walk, she said, but Dylan couldn't help of wishing more.

"Why don't you try to kiss me then? Or hug me?" That sentenced somehow had made Dylan froze than the frozen ices beneath him. He was surprised by the statement asked from Sierra's little mouth toward him. It was never there before.

"Sierra?" He had to make sure.

"Here, darling." She giggled and waved her little fingers in front of his face. And without any warning at all, she stood on her tip-toed and leaned in to kiss the corner of his lips. Not fully in the middle, just the right corner, but already Dylan felt like a lightning striking him at that very moment. As slowly as a timer could count, he moved his hands up toward her neck, where he could feel Sierra's little shudder. But her eyes were glittering with awe.

"You don't make me do something I don't want to, Sierra." Dylan's voice was even softer now. But Sierra's mouth hang open and she jumped up and down on her little feet. Her hands all over Dylan's broad chest.

"Dylan! Don't you know that you are also driving me crazy right here at this moment?" With wide eyes, Sierra cupped her hands on her neck and sighed loudly. Moving his arms away, she stepped back a little.

"Or do I have to sing again for you?" She asked.

"Sierra..." Dylan felt his heartbeat lost it's own rhythm; he just want her in his arms now. But instead, Sierra made another pretty dancing steps she knew before singing her favourite song.

"And my head told my heart, 'let love grow', but my heart told my head, 'this time no, this time no..." With one beautiful last circle, Sierra stopped directly in front of Dylan in time where he caught her in his arms. As tightly as he could, Dylan cuddled his loved in his arms and planted kisses in every inches of her face. The road was empty, and the snow and cold seemed to understand their truly desire; everything suddenly went warm and beautiful surrounding them.

Sierra caught a breath before she could meet her lips with him, and then smiled as he frowned.

"This time yes?" She asked, her voice full with enchanting spells, and Dylan wanted to faint and fall for it already.

Impatiently, he nodded vigorously and kissed the tip of her nose before adding, "This time you're mine, this time I'm yours and this time yes, yes for making true love."

Sierra smiled was captured fully by Dylan, and he wasn't about to let go. For once, Dylan felt all freely to move and touch Sierra anywhere he wanted. He thought it would be years and years of waiting for him to be able to do that, but he didn't realize his angel her self was in true desire that he had contain ever since he met her. Now everything was easier for them.

Sierra could sing any song she liked every time they went out for a walk, and that means, Dylan could do just anything he wanted whenever he heard her enchanting, spell of voices giving him the desires.

Nothing could stop them now. Not them, their selves.

Even The Rain Cry.

2010-06-27T06:16:00.002+08:00

Written By : Mia Insomnia - January 10, 2010.

World oh world...

Can't you see?
Even the rain tries.
Though the rain dries.
Still the rain cries.
And do you know why?

Heaven oh heaven...

My heart was broken.
The flying soul was taken.
Though I stand up, in a life that was thrown.
How long can I endure this pain hidden?

Sorry I am sorry...

I understand that it's not what you planned.
I am sorry, I was the one who can't mend.
I apologize for not doing what I tend.
But know it's too late, isn't it?

Because...
Because...

This caused my life to break.
If I should write them down,
They will be more than the grains of sand,
Those things you desire in this world.

And even the rain cries
Even crying a river was not possible anymore.
For they cried an ocean for me.
For the rain cries, and they never will stop.

Elizabeth.

2010-06-27T06:15:00.001+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia - January 10, 2010.

Elizabeth is,
The love story of two world,
Why do we meet each other,
When eventually we separate.
Daylight begin to lost,
Swallow by the darkness,
Separation of seasons,
Makes our story disappear.

Dreaming of your touches,
Where the snow burn for warmth,
The world was filled then,
With color of radiant love flowers.
Only we who were fading.
Until the season change.
The sun retreat.
There goes the fire of love.

She Elizabeth,
Symbol of broken love,
Separated because,
Unbroken different customs.
Hence, love fall together,
With the dried, dead leaves
Away... Away...

Direction of my life,
Separated by Elizabeth.
But I had to,
For my love Elizabeth.
Hoping for an opening,
A door for me in your heart.
There will be an unfold way,
If only you are faithful,
Oh Elizabeth....

No heaven Without You.

2010-06-27T06:14:00.001+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia - January 7, 2010.

From a noble soul came the consciousness
Remembering mother who gave birth
Caressing with love and affections
Your high sacrifice mother
I invaluably appreciate

Now was time for me to repay
For you dear mother
As no heaven can compare to you
The fate of yours I will defend

Everyone know your loves are not separable
Where you own me with all your heart
Ignoring the decreasing of your health
You took care of me like one precious soul

Dear mother
Come and take me with you
For my home is where you are
And there's no heaven without you.

Only Yesterday.

2010-06-27T06:12:00.002+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia - January 7, 2010.

It seemed like yesterday. Joshua came home from school with a big grin playing on his handsome face, and sparkles in his blue eyes. Where he knocked on the old, wooden door, but waited for no one to open it, he just barged into his house. The packed, dusty living room was the first thing he saw, but he took no notice of it. Instead, in strong spirits, he ran up the hall straight to his mother's bedroom. And as usual, he started calling for her. Like a five year old girl who had lost her mother, or like a ten year old boy who was hungry and came home seeking to be fed. It was all fresh in his mind, is if it were just five minutes ago. It was as clear as looking through glass.

He was a lucky son. And Joshua wish for nothing else when he realized that that is everything he wishes. He knew it was more than enough for his mother to answer his call by the third time. It was always the third time, but he was relieved that she kept on answering him. She still replied him though she was weak, and sick. Never once had she turned him down, made him shed a tear. He felt like the luckiest son on earth, and no one could ever feel the same way he had.

"Mother," he called for the third time that day.

"Joshua dear…" She replied shakily. Her smile was visible though her entire part of body was covered with clothes and even her face was wrapped by bandages. Joshua's heart sang with happiness, he could never be happier. He went closer and kneeled down on the floor beside his mother's bed.

"I miss you already, Mother," the words came out softly from his lips. He felt the urged of sudden tears on the edge of his eyes. But he didn't let them flow; he had to be strong for her. He'd do anything for her even if it meant to risk his blood.

Her fingers moved but didn't try to reach him, "Me too, my sweet. I'm a dead corpse whenever you're not home." That sentence, however, was killing him; it felt as if a murderer had silently pierced a knife at his heart. He shook his head and uselessly swallowed for strength.

"Mother, please don't say those words. I don't like it," he pleaded. But she let out a low sigh and shook her head.

"It's a fact though, Joshua…" Joshua knew more than well that he had to close the topic and drive her attention on something else. And that was how the day went by. Everyday after school, he'd spent his entire free hours with her. It made them both happy, he realized. Joshua couldn't find anything else better to do than taking care of his mother, feeding her while she mumbled, telling her jokes while she complained, and sometimes he'd risk his self to kiss her eyes before she faded to her beauty sleep. When he knew her disease could always get to him anytime it wanted to. Then again, he didn't care.

The happiest moment of his everyday routine was the second he heard her answering his call. And he knew that nothing would ever make him happier than hearing his name formed from his mother's lip.

But today… Today everything had gone forever. Everything had changed. Nothing like yesterday had happened.. And it would never happen again. He had came home from his college with the same big grin and sparkling eyes he wore everyday, but it was already the sixth time he called for his mother.

Today, Joshuanever received an answer.

The beautiful, soft words of his mother weren't there to answer him anymore, to make him smile, to give him stronger spirits and to lift him up to continue his days of his meaningless life. Even when he reached her on the bed, kneeling down beside her like he used to do, she still didn't answer him. Not even making a move or a signal showing she would answer him eventually. She was there, lying on the same bed. With all her skins covered and her eyes closed, he still could see her smooth smile on her pale lips.

And for once, Joshua felt all the feelings he hadn't feel before. Suddenly, he was sad, he was hurt and he even shed not a tear but waterfalls of it. Suddenly… He felt like he was the unluckiest son ever.

Because he just wish more than ever to come peacefully together with his mother. Together in heaven.

© Copyright 2010.

Memorable Birthday.

2010-06-27T06:11:00.001+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia - November 29, 2009.

Take my hands,
Take my whole life too,
For I can't help falling in love with you.

I kept singing the same lyrics over and over again since the midnight of 5th of March. I could still recall every second of details that had happened right after my 12 o'clock alarm went off. It was a night to remember and there wasn't a tiny bit intention in me to try to ease the memories off my mind. Even for a single precious ticking hour. I smiled as the moment began to revise... It was as fresh as it was yesterday.

***

"KRING KRING!!!"

The alarm from my cellphone rang loud enough for me to wake up. I did. And I stretched out while still lying down. The bed squeaked under me, but I didn't make an attempt to stand or sit up. My eyes adjusted slowly in the dim light of my bedroom. I knew even before peering to my bedroom clock that it was twelve in the middle of the night. And to top it off, it was already the 5th of March. The seconds needle in my clock ticked by and told me to get up and be ready for the day. It was the early first hour of 5th March, and I was suddenly nervous.

I bit my lower lip, felt cold for once and let the blanket wrap tightly around me.

"Honey...?" I heard the soft whisper clearly beside my right ear. I closed my eyes tightly. I did not answer, but lay taking in the silence. I heard the soft breathing closed to my neck. I smelt the male strong cologne, and I loved it. Not sure if my senses were working, but I felt the long, warm fingers were cupping my face. Heating me. Making me red, purposely making me blush.

"Happy 20th Birthday," he said.

I bit my lip harder, held my blanket tighter. I didn't let my eyes open, though I was fighting it off. I didn't want to let the tears from my eyes fall like a waterfall in front of him. I didn't want him to think that he was making me sad, because truth was he didn't. But I could never let my natural way of being happy; which was having unstoppable tears while the smile was playing wildly on my face. I fought not to cry and struggled to breath easy.

And I felt his warm, full lips on mine. For a second. Or maybe half. Softly with a noise. I didn't know if he could already feel me trembling now.

"It's your special nigh, honey. And yet, here I am. Doing nothing but this... But you do know I love you so much," he whispered.

Without meaning to, I exhaled slowly. Loud enough for him to hear it. I opened my eyes, one by one second. Letting the precious moment come to me. With curiosity and affections at the same time, I began to lock my eyes with the person I had loved the most since five years back.

There he was. My hero, my one and only true lover. My knight and my embraces. He was my sword, yet he didn't let the sharp end cut me even for a slight. There he was, leaning to me on my bed. Wearing his full black suit and a red tie with loosened white shirt inside. The smart-cut, copper hair hang out loosely in front of him, the green, hypnotizing eyes and not to mention his tempting, red-lust lips. My heart beat quickly. My tears began to flow out uncontrollably. I didn't move even a bit to let a sob or sniff conquer me. I just laid there beneath him, watching him. Staring at him for the whole five minutes.

Nathaniel had been there with me for five whole years. Yet it seemed I had known him forever. We had been through a lot together and lately, things were rough between us. It wasn't that we had been through a lot of hard times because of our relationship, but the condition surround us didn't seem to support our bond. Sometimes, things were too busy for us to even be able to meet once a week. And to top it off, I hadn't meet him for a whole month due to some intolerable reasons. Nathan had to go to his work in Paris, leaving me behind in Southampton. It wasn't far, I knew. I could just withdraw all my money in the bank to book a ticket to Paris and hugged my way over to him. But nothing was even more ill-feeling and hurt than to be away with your loved one. I had lost my parents since two, and it was a different feeling because I was a kid. And this time... This time that I had grew up, it was a whole stabbed-deep-to-the-heart kind of thing. In addition, I was with him all these years, always together. Then suddenly... he just had to go.

And Nathan had just came home tonight. And tonight was my birthday. And tonight I let him to take the key to my bedroom. And tonight was the first time I let him to enter my room during the night. And tonight was the first time we had ever been in one bed together. I was nervous, I was pale, I was trembling. But I had been waiting for my whole life for this precious moment.

"Do I have to kiss you again to get you fully woke up, beautiful moon?" He cracked my favorite smile. I had to struggle not to crash my lips to him. So to answer him, I just shook my head defensively.

"Well, do something to me. I'm waiting..." he whispered again in the silence. Letting all his warmth inside me. I inhaled silently and let the seconds passed by for one to two.

Then, looking up at him, I let my lips to form a smile. His favorite smile.

"Thank you... Nathaniel Ricardo," I said. And without hesitating anymore, I took his hands from my cheeks and held it tightly to my heart. He was frozen for a second. And when I let him exhaled again, he smiled warmly. I saw his eyes stinging. His worried lines gone away fully from his beautiful eyebrows. I was happy to see his lit up face even in the darkness of my room.

It was as if I saw his halo around the room.

And before I realized it, Nathaniel was singing softly for me in the middle of the night. In the night where my birthday had just started, where our unforgettable moment had just came. He had just sang a momentum song for me to make the whole scene perfect.

"Take my hand, take my whole life too... For I can't help falling in love with you..." As soon as he finished the short, lovely song, his tilted his head and looked down right to me. Our hands were still tight holding to each other, and our gazes locked passionately.

"Th-th-that's beautiful, Nathan..." I stammered. He smiled again, but came a heavy sighed afterward.

"I had come. I had took your key. I had unlocked your door. I had climbed your bed. I had greet your birthday. I had kiss your lips. I had confess my feeling. And then all you was just taking my hand but still it was already persuading me to give all my life to you? You don't even need to kiss my lips back. You just took my hand and already my life is for yours. Now tell me, my love. What had you done to this weak soul?"

He was so focused, and so unreadable. And his words had let my tears even more stronger than the strongest wave. But he didn't wipe it away. Instead, holding on me tightly, he leaned down and planted his lips slightly at first on my cheek.

"Would you let this weak soul to penetrate to your life for like ever, my heart?" His whispered stung deep into my heart. Leaving beautiful temptation inside the cage rib. I was too stunned to say a word, but without wanting him to wait, I nod my head. Wishing he'd knew how much he meant to me.

And he did.

What happened next was out of our reach. Yet it was there. It was real. And there were only us both who knew and cherished the moment together. Since that night, it had become my most memorable night ever, not forgetting my unforgettable birthday gift. I loved him in the past, in the present and in the future.

Nathaniel had truly became half of me.

***

My beautiful daydreaming was suddenly disturbed as I felt safe and strong arms embracing me from behind. A peck planted on my cheek and I smelt the familiar, strong male scents. Smiling, I wrapped my hands around.

"Someone missed me?" I asked.

He nodded. Not saying a word, kept hugging me. Kept kissing me.

"Escaped from the meeting again?" I joked.

Nodded again. Still affectionately grazing my face.

"Not afraid of being fired?" I giggled.

Shaking this time. His hands moved up.

"So what about the promise you made to me then?"

For once, he let me go and turned me around. Looked at me with confusion. I pouted.

"You forgot?" I asked.

"What...?" He scratched his head. Looking childish. I gasped and punched his chest weakly.

"Nathan! You can't-" But Nathan cut me off by kissing me passionately on the lips. When he let me go, he was laughing hard. I blushed.

"Baby... I could never forget my promise. Not any promise that I made to you anyway," he smirked. "So... Where do you want to go to our honeymoon?"

By that time, I felt the song of Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling In Love was becoming our faded song in the background. And our smile entwined together. I felt like flying off in the air. I felt like living in cloud number nine. But yet, I was that and more. More than anything else.

Take my hands,
Take my whole life too,
For I can't help falling in love with you.

Disappearing Past.

2010-06-27T06:09:00.001+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia - November 29, 2009.

I was the crooked claws,
holding securely...
the wheel of earth,
calming despite the panic,
taking all the knocking senses of mine.

Here smiling gently,
though on one side I daydream,
lit my amorous dark side,
thinking...
where did the direction led me.

Aware of my stumbling paces,
in between the crack of the earth,
I froze then...
trying to find the meaning of my life,
a new determined one,
exhaling my breath at last.

I bide for the light, the light,
thus let the darkness disappear, disappear,
was helping my self alone to wait, to wait,
and then somebody just wheel me, wheel me.

Then let it be,
let the past disappear,
and without the burden, or forces,
I left behind, left it behind.

Then let it be,
let the past disappear,
without load, or hesitancy,
I left behind, just left it behind.

Perfect Dream of Mine.

2010-06-26T13:00:00.001+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia. November 29, 2009.

Could it be,
When I asked the twilight stars,
And when I start to feel,
The language of the silences.

Woke me up who was walking by,
In the hopeless vacuum,
Silent, stunned, stammered,
All are just in doubts.

I and all,
Who were wounded because of us.

I was lost in the dark night,
After all I was drifted in the cold air,
Let me asked to the twilight stars again,
About the meaning of our wordless ship,
In the perfect dream of mine.

I and all,
Who were wounded because of us,
Because of us.

The World and Us.

2010-06-26T12:58:00.001+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia. November 29, 2009.

For a moment,
Dear friends please try to understand,
The meaning of all this,
Too many tears of sadness grieve our fallen,
Maybe this is a reminder for us human,
Which has changed its nature and forget about the power.

All this is not going to stop if arrogance is still held,
If miracles are neglected,
Actually, a friend was prostrate before them in vain,
That's the best .. for our lives.

After all,
Maybe this is a reminder of all human,
That has changed its nature and forget about the power.

All this is not going to stop if arrogance is still reigning,
If miracles neglected,
Prostrate comrades immediately my friends,
before all we did becoming futile, wasted,
The best .. that was the best.

Life is like a book,
Open and clearly visible,
Finding the light like a stray.

That's the best,
That is the best,
For out life.

A Ship Of A True Friend.

2010-06-26T12:56:00.002+08:00

Written by : Mia Insomnia. November 26, 2009.

Never in her life had she expected to abide such a friend like Alexander, whom she described as a true-blue, kind-hearted and loving to every friends he had. Tania didn't know what he'd describe her, but she was sure he knew her well by now and that they had been through a lot during the last memorable, precious three years. She saw him munching his usual Corntos, looking attractive and as self-composed as usual.

"You know it's rude to stare, Tania," he said while still munching, a lop-sided grinned shown on his face. For me, he never failed to make people smiled altogether with his sly personality.

"I'm not staring, Mr. Handsome. Just checking," Tania chuckled as she joined him sitting on the long bench under the tree at their college's park ground. The summer sun was shining directly at them and hundreds other students who were gathering around the park for their lunch.

Tania still found it hard to believe that it was their last day. Tomorrow by the early sunrise, they'd graduate and be holding their own certificates. She didn't know what would happen in the future and she was afraid to find out about their friendship. He offered her the snack and being sticky, she hesitated to pick one.

"Tania! It's not poisoned godforsaken!" Alexander laughed loudly as she pouted and took three of the delicious snack sticks altogether. Defensive, she looked away, acting sulky.

"Hey," he nudged her on the ribs, "having problems are we?" As she suspected, Alexander turned his attention entirely to her, though he still munched.

"No." Stalling, Tania shook her head and grabbed the whole pack of Corntos from his hand, turning away again.

"Lies," he hissed, sulking now. Not wanting to pick an argument, Tania sighed enviously and turned her head to face him. 'Losing as always, am I?' she thought weakly.

"Don't laugh, but I'm being honest here, Alex..." she hesitated, biting her lips and fighting the tears emerging on the shallow of her eyes.

"Tell me then, bubbly face," he pushed, elbowing her again. Blushing, Tania bravely stared at him in the eye.

"So as our senior year comes to an end. I want to say, thanks for being a true friend," she whispered, almost whimpering.

He saw the glistening tears prickled down her soften cheeks. As usual, at once Alexander felt pity and sadness overwhelmed his heart as he saw her crying softly, sobbing and sniffing as she sat there, hands down and head lowered. Being a guy, and growing, he found it was hard to cry easily except probably in occasion where he'd lose his mother. But now, unbelievably, he felt as if his eyes couldn't contain no longer now, and that his heart wanted to burst in a second if he didn't outburst what he felt now.

"God! Is this a crying day or what?" Ferdie, a famous redhead, skaters and basketball player of the college passed by them laughing insensitively. Alexander gave him a warning look as Tania tried to control her sniffing.

"Mind your business, mate," harshly, he signaled him to just go away. Ferdie laughed again while putting both his palms up, resigning.

"Alright, alright hero. I'll go now. Oh and Tania?" he called, spoke up after Tania snapped her head up at him, "don't weep again now, a hero's beside you," he laughed loudly and cheerfully walked away leaving them behind. Alexander found his rage burning and as he wanted to follow him up, he felt Tania's smooth hand on his arms.

"Be it," she said softly, still as usual, telling him not to start a fight that he usually did. Sighing, he slumped down back on the bench but this time, he moved closer to Tania. She looked so pale and sad it was heart-wrenching.

"Tania?" he called her softly, holding her fingers, "whose quote is that?"

"Rochelle Blue," she whispered, still head down. He smiled, found that Tania would never changed her obsession for poetry. He was sure she'd been checking all the resources for every poems she could get to find the suitable line to tell him today. He doubt if he'd be able to do that, and her line was so touching that he wanted to sweep her off the floor now and high into the air.

"That is so lovely, Tania," he smiled again, this time making sure Tania was looking at him. Her eyes glittered with awe as he pulled her in a tight, protective embrace.

"You want to know a secret?" he said in a secretive voice.

She nodded, too stunned to say a word.

"Well," he started, caressing her soft hair, "I always thought that best friend kind of thing was girl's stuff, you know. I always thought that I'd never had a true friend and that everyone else before you, those boys and girls around me were just... friends. Not best friend, no true friend. Like there was no such thing in my life before. But... as you came into my life, you were the one who taught me about friendship. I was lost before you came, Tania. But you came, and you pulled me up to the correct pathways. Promised you, our ship will stay strong even though the waves are moving wrong," he kissed the top of her hair as he felt her sobbing uncontrollably. He knew she knew he meant it, and they knew together that they wouldn't lose their best friendship ever. Whatever goes in between them.

Evalena.

2010-06-26T12:50:00.001+08:00

Written by Mia Insomnia - November 26, 2009.

"Do you think we'd survive our relationship, Evan?" he heard Lena's soft, melodious voice asking him close to his right ear. Eventually, noticing her fear and painful breathing, he wrapped his arms tighter around her waist, letting her lean on his tough, muscular chest.

"Of course we will," without knowing he was either assuring himself or her, he let the summer night wind to blow his hopeful words away. As they sat against the exuberant tall trees under the moonlight, he rest his chin on her head smelling her powerful feminine scents. Unlike the rest of the nights, the Greenstone Park wasn't as crowded as it used to be. He saw only few walking couples, who didn't seem to mind them, having their romantic scene on the famous site. Lena then picked a nearby twig and moved her head to peer at her dreaming boyfriend.

"A penny for your thoughts?" she whispered, trying to give him his favorite smile.

"I thought that was old-fashioned stuff," he let out a low chuckle and kissed the tip of her nose. When he saw her pouting, he laughed harder. Remembering that she was three years younger than him, he noticed how innocent she was, how vulnerable she was.

"Well..." she said, "two pennies for you then, Mr. Smarty," she mumbled and turned to the tree's trunk and started to scribble some unintelligible words on it. Evan didn't stop his laughs immediately but slowly turned it into an envious sigh as he finally saw what she was writing.

"I'll make it free for you," his grinned was half-hearted, "Us. I'm thinking about us, Lena," he read the words she scribbled on the trunk.

"Look here," Lena pulled his sleeves and made him turned to the tree, "I had wrote your name there, now I want you to write mine beside it," obviously not listening to whatever Evan had said, she was lost into the idea of hers to write their love-life name on the brown, thick trunk. Evan made a face and scratch his head.

"But sweetheart, you missed an 'N' on my name there. You wrote E-V-A and no 'N'," without waiting, Evan began to finish his incomplete precious name. But as quick as the speed of sound, Lena slapped his hands away. The thin, one-pieced twig fell and he let out a single gasped.

Sighing heavily, she rubbed her boyfriend's front hand softly before speaking, realizing he was shocked and that she was overacting.

"I want our name to be put together, Evan," she whispered again, softer than ever. Her voice seemed to chill him more than the night's cold breeze.

"Tell me something I could understand then, honey," he cupped her face between his palms and kissed her forehead. As always, Lena's heart beat unevenly whenever he gave her some romantic action. Not that she didn't like it, but she wasn't used to it; shy was her nature. He ignored her redden cheeks, and kept planting kisses on her face.

"EvaLena," she said simply, with a determined voice and a shaky lips, she said the words she always dreamed about. According to her working senses, she realized that Evan had stopped kissing her now, but was looking at her with awe and amazement in his blue, sky eyes.

"What did you say, my love?" he whispered hoarsely. Feeling like he was flying in the air, so glorious to know that his one and only love was actually thinking about him all this time. And eventually even invented a divine, enchanting and unbreakable name for the two of them. He felt like he was about to collapse when she didn't say the words once more.

"EvaLena," she repeated, "I want you and me to be together, forever and always, Evan. I want to live my life with you, and the rest of it only with you. There isn't much I can give you, my soul, but take whatever is in me. My life, my love, my breath... Everything I have, I give it for you. You and only you, Evan," without meaning to, a single tear trickled down her soft, blooming cheeks. And faster than a struck of lightning, the others began to follow like a waterfall. Evan saw it, as his undivided attention was only for Lena. Without hesitating, he cradled her in his strong, protective arms. A feeling of love and more had just conquered him and he didn't want it to let go, he let it flow inside Lena's small, delicate body.

"My love, my heart... Be mine and be mine for ever, EvaLena," he said in an awed whispers. She heard it clearly and knowing that he loved the words, she came to a conscious feeling of relieved. How she hoped so much for Evan to love the precious nickname she made for them.

As they parted away from the tight, lovely embraced, Lena took the twig back and gave it to Evan with a sincere smile. He replied her without hesitation and kissed her lips shortly. She blushed away but still staring at him in the eye.

"L-E-N-A," he spoke the divided letters slowly as he drew their name on the tree trunk. From that night on, the exuberant tree in Greenstone Park was the only trees that they loved and shared with. As if understanding, they didn't find anyone trying to sit or camp at their memorable, precious site. With love and blooming feeling, the tall, posh tree was their spectator of their love story, EvaLena.